Happy Advent

 Happy first day of Advent everyone!  I am so excited about the Advent season finally starting (it feels like I have been waiting forever on December 1st to get here).  Two reasons I am excited... Numero 1: This is the first time I have ever celebrated Advent.  Numero 2:  Since we are not doing treats but activities instead, it is like my husband and I have 25 dates planned for the next 25 days, and I love dates with my husband!  To celebrate Advent I prayed for days for God to show me how to make an Advent calendar.  My sister in law is so creative!  She made these beautiful little boxes out of Christmas cards last year.  They were adorable, and after stalking pinterest and google... I came up with this.  I adore our little Advent calendar.

 Today is the first day! 
 What do we do on the first day?  We go on a fun Christmas trip.  In an hour we will be loading up the car and headed to Silver Dollar City to see the lights.  Last year, Michael and I went to Hot Springs to see the lights at Garvin Gardens.  This year, we are getting to take a whole slew of Beans.  All of my nieces and my brother and sister-in-law are coming with us! 



The third reason I am really, really, really excited is that each day there is a verse that is going to lead our family through the gospel.  Today's first is John 1:1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

 

 

Such powerful verses in such a time of need!  I get so frustrated with our world sometimes, but He has overcome the darkness... we will overcome the darkness! 

 The last thing on our Advent Calendar is this ornament.  This is just a little cheap thing I found at Hobby Lobby (GO HOBBY LOBBY), but I adore it already.  We will put it on our tree first thing Christmas morning and then read and discuss the Christmas story.  A whole month of celebration awaits!

The two stockings and the sign have nothing to do withe Advent, but I just had to share.  My wonderful sister-in-law and I worked all day long to make these stockings.  They are lined burlap, and we actually MADE them.  I mean I went to the store to buy fabric, we got out the sewing machine, and we made them.  I like them, but I may be sticking to buying items that need to be sewn in the future.  I still have scars.. ;)  In addition to these stockings.. I had to share my little sign.  I love this little sign.  It brings a smile to my face everytime, and it happily greets visitors. 

HAPPY ADVENT! 

I am Weak.

My weakness: Ice Cream and Mac and Cheese... speaking of which, I may have to make some Mac and Cheese before finishing this post....Okay, boiling water is a go. My husband went to bed tonight without me because I was given strict instructions to stop my life and blog (thank you Lord for a Mr. Steady/Command Man). So anyway, for your viewing pleasure I have inserted a few pictures from Thanksgiving.

I have been planning a blog in my head for some time now. Planning... I am really good at planning.. too bad that my follow through is somewhat lacking. Anyway, I have been planning this blog all about how I cooked these Paleo friendly Thanksgiving meals and how delicious they were, but honestly, I feel like tonight I just need to share how much of a failure I am. I am so not perfect. I get angry too easily, I double book myself all the time, and I am kind of a flake. I hate this qualities within myself like no other. They are the laziness, the fear, and the pride sneaking up to kill who I am, but nights like tonight... I just have to stop and figure out who am I at the center. Like an onion... sometimes you just have to peel away all that the world has heaped on so that you can come back to an understanding of who you are in Christ. That last sentence made it sound like you could do something, but really... God has done it all on the cross. That is why the cross is so vital to the Christian. Everything debt was paid on that cross, and I hang dearly to the cross for life and hope. I love that cross. It is the cross I bear because it is the only hope that I have. The cross is enough. The cross is where Jesus said it was finished, and I am so thankful that no matter how much of a failure I am, I can still kneal at the cross and hear the words "I took care of that."

 

I know my pictures have nothing to do with my post, but I couldn't leave out the cool Paleo dishes. I found most of these at Paleo OMG (it is basically the best website ever when it comes to Paleo). Anyways, back to the cross. When we were in college, we took this fun test to see what disciple we were most like. I got Peter (we were not surprised). Why Peter? Because I have way too much pride, arrogance, fear, and I speak way too often before thinking. I have hurt many people because of my simple minded words. I can totally relate to Peter. Maybe I have never denied Christ in word, but I am sure my actions have denied Him more than I care to recall. How embarrasing is it to call a friend and apologize for speaking or acting before thinking? In Luke 5:8, Peter realized that Jesus was in fact Christ. He fell down and told Jesus to leave his presence for Peter knew that he was a sinner. Oh My... can I relate!

So yeah... I did good at Thanksgiving, but I hit a low point a couple of days after and definitely went on a carb binge today, and I am sure I will pay for it later. I want to be a good person so badly it makes me sick. I really want to answer every phone call and text message I get. I want to have self control when it comes to food. I want to remember to write my friends. I want to sit up late at night and pray for friends and family that are hurting, but I fail. Thank God there is the cross.. Thank God there is tomorrow.

 My husband killing a tree stump.

 Thanksgiving Cookies and Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

 Getting ready for the hayride!

It is Christmas at the Bean House.

Alex Ezekial Bean

     One of the most amazing things about being the wife of Michael T. Bean is that he lets me deal with things the way that I need to deal with them.  He lets me express my pain and grief the best way I know how, and sometimes that looks really messy.  Sometimes it involves crying, eating, starving, running, and here recently... cleaning.  Sometimes it involves diving into the Word of God to see what He says about everything, and sometimes it deals with diving into my work.  My husband holds my hand through the crazy train, and when it is all said and done, I walk out of situations feeling bolder and encouraged.  Michael kindly presents truth without pushing it into my face. 


I started a post about a week ago titled "The Line between Dying and Living."  It was basically a rant about how if this baby were out of my womb and ended up dead, people (in general) would have been more considerate.  Honestly, though, we have had lots of love from all sorts of people, and there is hope where there is tragedy.  I am blessed by the flowers that sit on my table and other items of love we were given from people. I am so thankful for the love that was heaped upon us. 


If you ask Michael and I how we are doing, we will tell you good.  That is what people have been trained to say right?  We ask these questions, and we say these things because being "real" with people is scary.  The mixture of emotions in my head is way too complex to explain to people in short surface level conversations.  This was the second baby that we have lost.  The second baby now dead.  The second baby without a grave, and honestly, I think I may have grieved more with the first.  I almost expected this one to end like this.  Does that make me a person of little faith?  Perhaps.

Michael didn't think this one was gonna end.  From day one, he knew that he were going to get to keep this one.  He believed we were going to hold this baby.  He is not a person of little faith. 

Friday night, I shot a gala.  Later, we went to my brother and sister-in-laws house to watch a movie.  We talked and laughed late into the night, and before we went home I had to run to the bathroom.  I had finally got to the point in my pregnancy where I stopped checking for blood when I went to the restroom.  When I saw the blood... I thought I was living a dream.  This couldn't be real... not this time.  The doctor said my numbers looked good, and we saw the baby.  Why was I bleeding?  This is not normal... this is not okay.  I called my husband into the bathroom, and the look of horror on his face sent me into tears.  This was it... our baby was dead. 

When you are considered "high risk" like me, the doctor's really do not want to give you hope that your baby is going to make it the whole nine months.  Early in your pregnancy they tell you what to expect when you miscarry.  They call the process passing.  I hate... HATE the word miscarriage.  It is a mask that pro-choice America labeled a dying baby because the reality is too hard to handle.  I wonder about my own stance on pro-life and pro-choice debates.  I am a big pro-life supporter, but why am I so pro-life?  Is it because I believe that the child in the womb is in fact a baby, or is it because I know that soon the baby will be born and then it will be a child with a great future?

Saturday morning I woke up thinking the whole thing was a bad dream.  I even looked up information about bleeding during pregnancy.  The blood had definitely slowed down, and I thought, perhaps, our baby was still alive.  Around 2:30pm the "passing process" began.  Did you know that when your baby dies (even at six weeks) you still have to deliver the baby?  That is what they mean when they say miscarriage cramps and passing.  You have contractions, and you have to deliver the baby.  I would say around 7ish, we delivered our baby.  Though I feel like I grieved more with the last pregnancy, this pregnancy has left a scar on my heart I can't seem to get over.  A traumatic event that has got me terrified of answering the question, "how are you doing?"  There are so many events that have happened that has me wondering if I was a good mother.  I saw a picture of a six week old baby, and I wanted to throw up.  My baby didn't get a grave.  My poor little baby was given the same funeral we would give a yucky bug that we just killed.  The guilt and shame on my heart because of this one thing is the thing that keeps me up at night.  I think about the day I see my baby again.  I want to apologize to him. 

God is here.  He hasn't left me, and He is still good.  The worst words right now are that God is in control.  These words are incomplete and just leave me bitter.  God is in control... I know that!  I just struggle with the idea that God is still good.  My head knows that God is good... all the time.  My heart is just struggling with believing. That Saturday, three things happened.  I fell more in love with my husband.  My dear, sweet husband didn't get a moment rest.  By 5:30pm, I was in so much pain I couldn't move.  He held my hand and texted back and forth with my mother-in-law.  By 6:00pm, I was in a hot bath and starving.  My husband had to make dinner and run back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom.  He never once threw in the towel.  He kept telling himself, "Right now, I focus on Paula... the rest will come."  The next thing that happened is something that will haunt me for awhile still.  The last thing that happened was a decision that my husband has sworn to help me with.  My disease is killing my children... so I must kill my disease. 


So how are we doing...really... good.  I am terrified about going back to church, but I know that I am going to have to go back sometime.  I have started getting rid of everything in our house that isn't useful.  We have too much stuff, and I need life to be simple right now.  We don't cry all the time.  We even have days where we do not cry at all.  I do not answer my phone all the time because I am an emotional mess right now, so I am trying to take my time with people.  I am recovering physically.  I still have to work, but I am thankful to not have a full time job right now.  Yes, there is still a God, and yes, He still is good.  I know that He has a huge purpose for us, and I honestly believe that the next child... we will get to keep and hold.  I really do think that we will bounce back more quickly this time.  However, there will always be the scar.       


Alex Ezekial Bean:  Alex means protector of men, and Ezekial with an A means God give me strength.  If he had been allowed to walk this Earth, he would have been a powerful force for the kingdom, but since God decided (for whatever reason) to take him early.  We must stand for him. 
   

"Please Sir, I want some More"

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

Proverbs 14:30

   How does a person get pregnant?  When I was young, a nonbeliever, and very naive I would say something like, "You have sex out of wed-lock, and then you get pregnant.  Getting pregnant out of wed-lock is the ultimate sin." 

    **Rolls Eyes** 

   This may be a stupid question to you, but to me... it is a sincere thought.  Is it kinda like when I was single and people used to tell me, "Oh... it is when you get comfortable with your singleness and you do not want to be married anymore.  Then God sends in your true love."  Again, another ridiculous statement said most of the time by women who are married, but I believed it enough that I used to stay up late at night telling God over and over again, "Okay, I am comfortable with my singleness.  I don't want to be married God.  God do you hear me?!  I said I am fine the way I am, and I never want a boyfriend or a husband."  This (by the way) never got me a husband.  God did bring a husband to me, and it was definitely all God, but oddly enough it came when I finally said, "God, I do want to be a wife, and I do want to be a girlfriend, and I am not okay with being single, but I will wait on you, and while I am waiting I will continue to bring You glory." 

   So now I am married, and after more than a year of marriage and no baby to stay up late at night and rock, I am at it again.  Another question, and desperately searching for answers from anyone with a story "like" mine.  It is almost humorous... well, it is humorous.  This research has me shooting a tablespoon of coconut oil, taking six pills of thyroid aid, and praying all the time for answers on how to "cure" my inability to bear children.  Today, I had to call the doctor (again) and I fought to hold back tears (again), and I heard the same words on the other end of the line "Take a pregnancy test and call back." (again), and once again a negative line, some hard tears, and a coming back to Jesus moment simply asking, "Now what?" 

     I say all of that to say this... I feel like God grew me up today.  I used to talk about wanting a simple life, but then when I started looking up the verses about living a simple life, I never found any that talked about having a simple life as a good thing.  It was actually quite the opposite.  However, I did find many verses that discussed pursuing peace.  Peace: like when Jesus walked out in the middle of the storm peace.  Like when Peter got out of the boat peace... like when... WHAT?!  Peter got out of the boat, oh no!  Lost control, sink!

       I desire godly peace in my life, in whatever ministry or job God brings me to, and in my home.  I have been very unpeaceful lately all because of selfish desires.  Maybe two weeks ago I was stomping around the house because summer is almost over and I feel like I haven't got to go on any adventures!  How dare I let summer go by and not do anything fun!  I got a rude wake up call when God kindly reminded me that I have in fact been all over the United States this summer, I picked up a new photography job as well as a new teaching job, I got an ice cream maker, and I have hiked in new chacos while drinking from a new filtered camelback.  Oops... did I say that I haven't got to do anything fun?

       Envy... envy robs of joy.  It robs of peace.  It robs you from hearing God's voice.  The desire to be somewhere different, to be someone else, or to even have something you feel like God is purposefully denying you takes the peace that God told us to pursue and it shoves into a tight little box until you feel like you are going to explode.  God takes us on adventures when we give our life to Him.  It is a guarantee!  He puts hopes and dreams into our head when we are patiently listening to His voice and reading His Word.  When we begin to pursue those dreams, He opens all of the doors... we simply just step through them.  There is the adventure!  However, we as humans, are always turning around and simply stating, "but I want more."

I want more adventure.

I want more time in the woods.

I want more time in the water.

I want more money.

I want more people to attend my church.

I want more of a ministry.

I want more children.

I want more camera equipment.

I want more tools.

                         Having dreams and desires are not BAD.  I know that God knows me better than anyone including myself, so He knows that I want children, a ranch, a photography business, etc.  But when I start looking at all the things that He has not given me, I forget to be grateful for all the things that I am holding in the moment. 

      I lose peace.  I lose joy.  I lose trust.  I lose comfort.

In the end... I lose.

     Now, I'm not saying be lazy.  There is no waiting at home for Mr. Right to come walking through your door (no matter how many times you tell God you don't want a boyfriend), but don't be crazy. 

 Be still and know that He is God (not you, or the coconut oil).

   Know that He stilled the wind and all was calm.  (Not me...Panic mode!) 

Be still.

Be still.

Be still.

And when He says, "Okay, this is next."  Do not hesitate... GO! 

Obedience precedes joy.

    I spent much of my young adult life searching for the next best thing.  Not all of my wanderings were selfish, but I spent much of that searching coming up with plans that were not of God.  I wasted time wanting the more and not enjoying the moment of peace that God was giving me, and you know what... looking back, there are times that I miss those times, and I think "why didn't I take advantage of what God was trying to give me in the moment?"  Cause the reality is, I'm still young, and when you have children, they are yours for life.  So maybe God is saying, "Hey you!  Stop.  Be still.  Do what I have you to do, and children will come when the come.  Quit stressing... you will get back in the woods soon, and there are more adventures waiting, but for right now...  I need you to clean your husband's socks.  I need to you love on those children so that they do not grow old not knowing love.  I need you to witness to your neighbor and send cookies to the girls down the street. This is what I have for you.  So do what I say and have peace.  I am giving you peace in the chaos.  Take it, cause you don't want to miss what I've got planned for you."

   I like the feeling of being healthy, and I think organic food tastes like 8,000 times better than anything else in the world.  I like taking my thyroid aid, and I may even try metformin again, but the reality is, God is the creator of life, and when He is ready... I will hold a life in my arms that looks a lot like a Bean.  (And it will probably be a girl). 

 

Cause the Salsa Needs Canning

    I have had the title of this post in my mind for a long time.  I have been very lazy with writing lately, and there is no excuse for my laziness.  Writing is a very powerful tool in my life, and to deny the Holy Spirit's gift because of laziness is a shame.  As many of you know, at least those of you in blog world that take your sweet time to read my updates (which by the way, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to read the words God has given me), my husband and I have began a journey into a world of ministry.  We are very dedicated to proclaiming freedom around the world starting in our own community.  These past few years have brought many life changing events ending with me on a plane to San Fransisco to become trained in investigation and reporting for cases of slavery in my own community.  I was trained, and after being home for only a few days, I was asked to be involved with a Human Trafficking Awareness Summit held at the state capital. 

   Amazed by the new updates in the law, I was excited to be asked to be involved with such a wonderful adventure, so I embarked on what I now kindly refer to as "little black dress" ministry.  This type of ministry includes putting on your best clothes and playing "important" with big name law officials.  Sorta like when we were children and played house.  You knew inside that you did not belong in this type of world (at least not yet), but you welcomed the chance to play. 

   It didn't take long for me to realize, though, that I did not belong in this world (at least not yet).  I left at the morning break because I had a house to clean, people to visit, and salsa to can. 

    Time is precious.  It is the most precious gift you can give someone, and it is a fleeting part of our lives.  Our time is different than a store bought gift because once you have given your time, it can never be returned.  I must never be selfish with my time, or deny time to a person that God has told me to give because it doesn't fit into my schedule.  Sometimes the people that God tells us to spend time with isn't logical.  My home and family must be a major part of my time (the most important), but home and family can also consume every second of my time becoming more of a distraction.  My time is too precious to be spent on chasing ideas and dreams that I cannot see God's hand holding together, and like I trust my money, love, and life to God, my time also, must be daily given to Him.  Time spent must be intentional, for spending time can quickly become meaningless or wasted.  Sadly, there are occasions where time spent doing "ministry" is just wasted time.  Time could be spent better elsewhere such as canning salsa.     

I have learned these lessons the hard way.  Naturally, I am a shy person when I am in a crowd that I am not known.  It takes me quite awhile to warm up to people, and even then it is easy for me to move on from relationships.  It is a piece of my personality that makes me incredibly sad.  I like to fill my days with checklists and management, but this doesn't allow the Holy Spirit to move.  We must be intentional with our time because reality is, there are many things to get done in a day.  Every house wife knows that from the moment she wakes up to the moment she lies down, she is in movement.

    So I left the meeting because that season of my life hasn't came as of yet, and honestly, I have done very little with the training I came home with from San Fransisco.  I hope to change this, but it is all about waiting on the Holy Spirit to move.  I will squeeze in here though, it is about movement as well.  More on that later.  It takes waking up every morning and asking God, "Okay, what do I do today?"  It takes obeying His leading when He tells you to go or to stay.  What season of life are we in as of now?  Well, I am building a photography business, and it is going very well (thanks be to God and the creative insights the Holy Spirit has given me).  I am trying to find a place at the kickboxing gym that I am now attending (since I am officially past all hurts and aches), and I am attempting to get healthy enough to carry a baby to term.  I am seeing a natural herbalist doctor guy that has suggested some medicine that will raise my body temp high enough to keep a baby (since my normal body temp is below 96 degrees), and I am starting to feed my body organic food.  My prayer is that by the end of the year, we will be pregnant again, and the baby will be carried to term.  I am also in a season of leaving full time work and going to part time work and trusting God with money.  Finally, I am in a season of building a ministry.  God just hasn't given me or my husband the picture of what that is going to look like yet. 

So what season of life do you find yourself in at the moment, and are you spending your time intentionally in that season?