Allowing the Holy Spirit to Move

Look what came in the mail Monday!

Am I the only one out there that ever feels completely inadequate for the life that God has chosen for me? I cannot explain how many days I have sat at the end of my bed in prayer saying out loud, "you want me to do what?" About half the time I feel so grateful and astonished that God would use me for such greater purposes, and the other half of the time I just feel like a scared child trying to learn how to walk. I picture my adult self holding out my arms to Jesus just like a child holds their arms out to their parents when they feel unsure of a situation or unsure if they can do something.

However, though God is still open to embrace me, it feels like more and more God is holding my hand and telling me, "I am with you, go on now" instead of just running to answer my call from relief. I don't know if anyone out there in blog world has ever felt like this, but I guess here lately more times than not, my prayers go something like this, "I'm not sure about this God, but I am sure about You... so lets go!" Along with this prayer comes with the cloud of doubt and the threat of failure, but I just keep on trucking (like the little engine that could).

God's got me, so what do I have to worry about.

The other night, before bed/after prayer, my dear husband leaned over to me and thanked me for introducing him to the fight against human trafficking. He said, "I don't think I have ever expressed how grateful I am for you showing me this and getting me involved." I wanted to cry because I have feared for so long that I am just tugging him along without really knowing what he wanted and he was going along with it because he loved me and is pretty much a no complaining type guy. These words came at a much needed time and were an answer to a prayer. This was such a beautiful example of how God above is watching over us as we embark on this journey of "Kingdom Living."

These feelings of inadequacy were tormenting me until I finally realized that I am inadequate. I have nothing to give anyone I meet. The only thing I have ever given God was my heart, and honestly I didn't do anything for that either. His life was the gift, I just responded with gratitude, so I am inadequate, but the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are nothing short of completely able. I think fondly about my sister-in-law who is now pregnant with her fourth child (her youngest about 7 months). I can imagine now as she lay sick that she too feels inadequate to answer the leading that God is providing, but she too is being taken care of by a heavenly Father who knows what is happening to her and is providing.

In house church, we have been studying the book of Acts. I am constantly amazed by how God used so many inadequate people to do amazing things for the kingdom. I finally posed a question last Monday that has been haunting me. Is the Holy Spirit just naturally quieter now by nature or do we quiet the Holy Spirit with our lives? My question was answered with this response: "If you lived in Africa, you would not be asking this question." Our comfort living gives us a false sense of control. We believe that we have it all together because we are living these comfortable lives where there is enough food to gorge ourselves on easily and enough entertainment to keep us busy. We debate over the DUMBEST things because we have the comfort and ease to debate. It is easy to sit and debate when you are sitting on a plush chair.

But is the HOLY SPIRIT allowed to move in our lives.

There are so many reasons I think I quiet the Holy Spirit in my own life: Pride and desiring to do everything myself, fear in what the Holy Spirit might actually do once given complete freedom in my life, and an addiction to comfort. Last night, before I finally fell asleep, I asked God to kill all things in me that hinder the Holy Spirit's movement. I also prayed for the Holy Spirit to take a hold of me and move me and in me. So many changes happening at one time, but I am at peace and filled with joy in my inadequacy.

Thank God that we don't have it all together because He is still in control.

Spring is Finally Breaking Through

My husband and I collapsed on the bed the other night in complete exhaustion. I would have cried, but I was too tired. My husband threw his arms around me and started apologizing for how busy we have been lately, and I wanted to complain (isn't that what wives are good at anyways). However, it wasn't my husband's fault that we were so busy any more than it was mine. My husband and I have found ourselves in a serious transition point. Like when winter turns to spring, transition takes time and is difficult.

I love hearing the birds again, and seeing the flowers spring up in random places. The drive to school and home from school are definitely getting better, and the official testing season has arrived. School gets interesting from here on out. Spring is coming, and I for one am so excited that I can barely stand the wait for long lazy days and the hot sun! I can't wait to be tan again.

My husband and I are going through a period of transition. The other day, I found out about somebody spreading a vicious rumour about me making up our miscarriage. They were telling people that we were never pregnant. When I first heard about this, I laughed. Honestly, this is very high school, and I haven't ran into any of these problems in awhile. However, eventually I did tear up a little. Words do have the ability to hurt us. I cried because nobody but me has to look in my husband's eyes when he begins to tear up after remembering that he too lost a child. I cried because there are still times when I am in the bathroom that I pooch my tummy out to see how big it would be now. However, our miscarriage was a transition period, and every transition period hurts. I say this very cautiously, there is blessing in the transition periods. Yes, as badly as our miscarriage hurt and still hurts, the whole thing was a blessing.

My husband and I have learned so many things since this time, and we have already been able to help others. We have prayed for people and loved on people that God brought into our life through our miscarriage. The miscarriage has become a blessing, and each day as we grow, new transitions, new pain, bring on a new delight and a new flower... I guess.

The storm is passing, and the Bean household is seeing many good things. Of course this time of transition is hard like any other. This time of transition is waking me up earlier in the morning and keeping me in the kitchen so that I can prepare healthy organic meals for my family. This time of transition is wiping the dust off of my sneakers and pounding into the track. This time of transition is stretching my ability to think and create, and it is keeping me glued to YouTube to learn how to take better pictures. This time of transition is keeping me on my toes ready for any phone call that can change the path of our life. New job opportunities, new plans, and new talents have all landed us in our bed exhausted, but I can't get over everything that God is doing, and I stand amazed... literally. To see more, click on the different tabs. I have posted new pictures, have a new recipe under PCOS, and I have some AMAZING news under Wilderness Way ministry.

As the days wind down, I begin to realize how much I really am going to miss my students. Each one of them are so special (even those that get on my last nerve). I have watched them grown, and they bring smiles to my face. I love how much they soak in what I have to say. I leave with this, I read in Oswald Chambers once that we prepare for the battles during the down times. I remember being in the emergency room the night we lost our baby holding my husband as we reminded each other that the Lord is good all the time. If we hadn't prepared our hearts to believe this truth before the miscarriage, I don't know if we would have had the same attitude in the ER.


My Baby was real... Just as every baby that is aborted or lost is also real. I reach out a hand of sympathy to all women who have had early miscarriages...you too are able to grieve the lost of your child. However, remember that God is good all the time, and we must choose to see the blessings during the times of transitions.

Enjoy the first parts of spring... go play!