American Honey

I am sure that my beloved Varians are very tired of hearing this Lady Antebellum song being strummed out on the guitar, but the ability I have to created something similar to a real song from simply placing fingers here or there on an instrument has me memorized. I put off learning the guitar for so long, and now, the guitar is quickly becoming an important part of my life! My cheap six string is the best company I have on a lonely night, and it the best ego boost when everything around me seems to be crashing down. Many days after my internship I found myself picking at my guitar thinking, "well at least, for today, I can accomplish this..." Now, with the summer sun beating down on me, there is nothing better than sitting on the front porch of the Varian household plucking a new song out on the guitar. Actually, the guitar has claimed most of my attention during my stay here. Earlier today, I was talking on the phone while picking on the guitar. Mr. V came in at the right moment to snicker at my ability to do hundreds of different things at one time.

The Varian household has proven to be a God-given place of rest, restoration, growth, and fun for me. The first thing Ms. Mary notices about me when I first get here is that I look tired, and when you consider how I live my day to day life...I am tired. I am thankful for a period of rest. Yesterday, I swung on a tree swing, jumped on a trampoline, chased fireflies, talked to friends that I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and talk to in a long time, read, and learned two new songs on my guitar. I also took a nap! A real nap! A nap uninturrupted by a four-year old or phone ringing, or to-do list. Honestly, the only reason I have completly disposed of my phone now is that I would like to know the moment that Tracy goes into labor, and there are several friends that I do not want to lose touch with.

Thankful. I am thankful! In Paul's letters, we are called to be thankful.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Colossians 3:15

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.' Colossians 4:2

"Therefore since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe." Hebrews 12:28

I like to think that I am thankful person. When I look at my life, I am awed by how much I have been given. I sit tonight in a kitchen in Alabama with a family that took me in as one of their own without ever asking what my life story was. I get to travel and do what I please, and I always have a home to come back to where people who love me wait and pray for me. I am blessed by a God who has given in abundance. Honestly, if the only thing our God ever gave us was the chance for a new life, wouldn't that be enough. How many times though do we believe the lies that we need or deserve more. I am reading this book call, Taking Thoughts Captive, and it was revealed to me in a painful way that much of my life is ran by thinking, "I need one more thing to be happy." However, searching for "One more thing" never brings happiness. I am called to be thankful...I am receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken. I think I almost passed out the first time a girl looked at me and complained about being too skinny, and I despise every married woman on the face of the planet that wished they were single like me. If I hear ONE MORE TIME that singleness is a gift, I am going to throw up. My singleness might be a gift but no more of a gift than your marriage.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am tired of looking for one more thing. I am tired of thinking I am doing something wrong and am not getting that one more thing because of the thing that I am presumably doing wrong. Many times, I find my one more thing is my singleness. My desire to be in a crazy romance ending in a marriage filled with ups and downs has not been given to me, and for so long I thought it was something I was doing that God was not giving in to my request. Many days and nights I have worked for my one more thing instead of letting God just do His thing giving me the benefits of it all. It is a daily choice to be thankful for what we are given, but what a major change in our lives if we started out every morning with a gratitude list.

Today, I will make the choice to be thankful.

I am thankful that...

I know where Ms. Mary keeps the "good food."

E-beth and I do not have to spend every moment together when I visit.

My new house has a tire swing where Embery can play.

There is such a thing as Christian Rock, and I get to share in this joy with my dear friend Kat.

I have to start writing down all the songs I know how to play on the guitar.

I have the ability to run.

I own a pink i-pod.

My best guy friends and my best girlfriends are getting married.

Arkansas is my home.

I am about to be 24 years-old.

That Mr. V lets me call him Mr. V.

That I had four servings of fruit today, and I didn't have to pay for any of it.

My bridesmaid dress fits.

I have been to 23 states.

I have guy friends that take me for drives in their trucks.

That God speaks to me.

God answers my prayers when I seek Him.

That tomorrow I get to go dancing.

Camp is starting.

Packing Boxes and Fireflies

Summer is here. For camp, we had to right a poem of sorts in which each sentence starts off, "I'm From..." When I began to write the poem of sorts down, I almost started crying about how blessed I was. Honestly, there are always things that I am going to want to be different, but God has granted me so much in my short 23 (almost 24) years of life.

"I'm from...Conway, Arkansas (home of American Idol Kris Allen)

I'm from the University of Central Arkansas, Central Baptist College, and University of Arkansas at Fayetteville (Go Hogs!)

I'm from a small classroom in Quitman, Arkansas where I teach 9th, 10th, and 10th grade Pre-Ap English and drama.

I'm from pick-up trucks, starry nights by the lake, Little Ceaser's pizza and a movie, and shaved ice on a hot day.

I'm from long hikes to the waterfall, a basketball court, and softball fields late into the night.

I'm from faded blue jeans, Teva sandals, sweatshirts and shorts, cute sundresses, New Balance tennis shoes, and a pink I-pod.

I'm from a past of heartbreak and struggles to finding Christ at a later age and passionately pursing righteousness, peace, joy, and love with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

I'm from dancing barefoot, a six-string guitar, wildflowers, four-wheelers, and a long dirt road.

I'm from Sunday morning pancakes with Miss Embery Holland, a dramatic, defiant, but lovable four-year-old.

I'm from an unnatural obsession with traveling, and I'm from a large group of friend whom i call family.

I'm from a life classified as anything but normal."

To call me BLESSED would be the ultimate understatement! I would love for the whole world to see how amazingly blessed I am and see my life as an example of the unity that Paul preaches about in his letters! If somebody needs something, it appears. If somebody is struggling and needs prayer, we are there. I have seen Satan attempt to destroy us time and time again, and though we have let him into places in our lives, the Lord of all equips us to be conqorours. An example of our bond is the fact that I had 30 people show up at my graduation, and everywhere we go, we cannot be silenced for the Spirit of the Lord dwells within us and consumes everyone that comes in contact with us. Be mindful that this is the Lord's doing, and we simply get to reap the benefits in God creating glory for Himself.

So what is the big deal? I'm moving. I got a grand oppurtunity to rent out a friend's duplex helping her out and giving me more room. Not taking the deal would be a complete ignorant idea, but I am moving from my small, one-bedroom apartment that God gave me two years ago. I remember walking late at night and trying to figure out which aparmtnet would be mine. I remember how happy I was when I figured out that Tracy and I would share a wall. I remember making my deposit, and I remember the first thing I bought for my apartment, a couch, and sleeping on it until I got a bed. I gave my apartment back to God the moment I stepped over the threshhold. God gave me this place on a platter, and I desired for every inch of the space to glow with God's love. Every moment shared in that apartment will be treasured, but as a child of God, I go when I am sent. While I was preparing for Alabama and my new teaching job, God threw me a curve. My aparment, my home, my safe zone, would no longer be mine. I was to move.

Now, I am reading this book that talks about choices and how sometimes we do not really know what the right choice is, so we make decisions and ask God to be present in each decision even if we made a bad one. However, sometimes we just know. I knew the moment I heard about the new house that I was to move, and so without even an "All's Clear" I began packing my things in boxes to ship to storage to wait until I return from Alabama. The more I pondered over next year, the more sick I got. This is the end of an era, and I am scared to death of lonliness. My "family friends" are all growing up, and we are moving. The more I thought about working 50+ hours a week and coming home to an empty house where when I knock on the wall I won't be getting Tracy but someone else and the more I thought about Jessica moving out of the state and things just changing, the more Satan started playing in my head memories of being alone. Then I was brought to the story of Jacob and God wrestling.

I am still a little shady on the details, but the whole thing sounds fantastic. Jacob wrestled God until God would bless him. Jacob showed that he was strong and determined. (Genesis 32). God blessed Jacob because Jacob had wrestled with men and God and would not give up. As I broke down in tears the other night at the softball game, I came to the conclusion that though my apartment is packed up in boxes I will not be defeated by the fear of lonliness, but instead I will take time to watch the fireflies and enjoy the beauty of life that God has blessed me with. I will not be moved.

"I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved.

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I will not be moved."