It has been awhile since I have put emotions to words, not just written but in general. I left Alabama just two and a half months ago, and I find that during those short months I had to learn quickly how to grow, how to be responsible and how to be an adult. I find myself still in a period of searching, but I am learning that during this time I am finding Love, Grace, and Joy in a more real and attainable way... let me see if I can explain better.
Two and a half months ago, I sat in a kitchen in Alabama updating my blog determined that during my adventures sure to come this year, I would keep up with my blog, then reality made itself known to this girl. I got a new job, new car, new house, and a new relationship in little less than a month. Oswald Chambers says that we are to prepare for battle during times of peace. How I felt so ill prepared for this time of transition in my life. After so many months of transition without taking the time to stand back and reflect, I was done! I looked into the eyes of the dear man that God has given me and begged for a weekend trip to Alabama, to home! This man, who loves me more than I will ever be able to explain, put into words, or even understand could not bear to say no to something he knew to be so dear to me, therefore, now, I sit in my beloved's arms watching a movie with good friends after a long day of honest work and life. I am blessed to be able to sit and reflect on the life that God has given me, and though I know after the long trip home I will be tired and will face new challenges, but for now, I can rest. I am striving to trust the Lord and the man the Lord gave me enough to abolish worry. After a time of short reflection, these are the things that I can safely say that Lord has taught/shown me.
1. I am a blessed child. I have an amazing job that allows me to minister to busy, confused, lovable teenagers. I get to invest in the lives of people who have the ability to change the world. I spend my time as Miss Verser, the teacher, counselor, mother of over a hundred children. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome and was told that I would never have children...I laugh at those doctors now. I am a mother! That being said, I also have the most amazing... MOST AMAZING... man on the face of the planet. I don't even really know how to describe the blessing that God has given me. He, as in God, as shown me so much through the love of this man. Many days I just stare at Michael in complete amazement of who God has given me. I know someday that we will fight about silly things, and I know we will hurt each other, but sometimes, I just want to shake those people who spend their time despising the one they once called beloved. I want to open their eyes to what they have. I want to give each woman who has ever been abused a man like mine! I want to share my story with each and every woman to encourage them that God does hear their prayer. Michael and I are not perfect by any means, but what I have is a gift from an amazing God who longs to provide. I can not say enough good things about my gift, and in ten years or so... my desire is to still constantly fall in love with this man.
2. Relationships do not cure loneliness. We are filled by the Lord and our deliberate choice to sacrifice our lives and follow after Him. It is a horrid lie our society gives us that in order to feel (insert word here) you need a mate. Honestly, it isn't just a society thing either, the church fills you with that idea as well. Granted, we were made to have mates. Our desire to be loved and love in a physical manner is not a sin...I repeat our desire to be loved and love in a physical manner is not a sin, and it doesn't make you any less of a Christian to want that! However, to center your whole life around the idea of being a wife, mother, girlfriend is setting yourself up for some disappointment. The Proverbs 31 woman loved God first!!! Her family and husband were highly important to her, but she feared and loved God first, and in that she gained the ability to love and serve her children. I am not sure how to do this just yet. God and I discuss on a regular basis how to love Him and Michael at the same time. I am no where near to where I need to be on that issue. My personal relationship with God suffers on occasion because I am wrapped up in seeing and being with Michael. It is easy to run to Michael when things get hard because I can touch him and crawl up into his arms, but the reality is...Michael is not my God. There are ways, many, that Michael can not fulfill me. When hard things happen, Michael is not always able to be there, and he does not always have the right answer. I was driving the other day after a hard day of just being lonely. My friendships have suffered in crazy ways this year for various reasons. I had to stop and thank God for teaching me to be content with just Him. Even with Michael, I must be content with Him.
3. Lets briefly talk about sex. I hate, HATE, the way our society portrays sex. In my new car, that God provided for free, I could only pick up one station, the local pop station. I keep the music on to stay awake, but after hearing about porn stars, getting it on in clubs, and how people don't want to be anything just want a night, I had to turn it off and pull over for a minute. I hate the way we tell teens that it is okay to have sex as long as you use protection, as if we honestly believe that the only thing to worry about is the fear of pregnancy or STD's. Do we honestly, as a society, believe that there are NO emotional connections in sex? Do we honestly believe that multiple sex partners does not harm the people involved? I can't go into detail, but I am finding it hard to be angry at the idea people who are starting to have sex at younger ages. Let me rephrase, I am finding it hard to be angry with the young people involved in having sex at younger ages. What are we telling them? Are we really informing them of the dangers and not just the you might have a baby issue? Because of a forgiven past, the idea of sex was tainted at a young age. The sanctify of physical intimacy within marriage is crucial. I will strive to teach my daughters and sons the importance of this fact! As for the music issue, I bought a new Ipod that hooks up to my tape player... problem solved! :)
4. GOD LOVES US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When Michael and I first started dating, it was as if we had won a great prize! I can't explain it to you fully, but if you have ever looked in the eyes of a man/woman who loved you, maybe you understand. Michael would look at me as if I was the most beautiful, most intelligent, most prized woman he could ever want or desire. I have never seen anyone look or desire me in that way. Michael and I have a beautiful love story, and I hope each day that our story ends in marriage. One day while looking at Michael look at me, one of most favorite past times, the verse Psalm 45:11 came to mind. "The Lord is ENTHRALLED with your beauty." It finally made sense. Michael could love me so much, and he did it with a heart of a man... how much more the Lord must love us!
5. A relationship can build a person up or take a person down. I assume that verse speaks for itself, but I would like to caution any of you, the limited few who read this, and are considering getting into a relationship. Michael draws me closer to God. Michael protects and provides for me in ways I can't even fully understand. He builds me up and encourages me to chase after my dreams. He works hard. I just threw that in, but it is worth saying.
6. Joy is a choice. For those who are Christians. WE WIN IN THE END!!!!!!! Have joy, and do not worry. God's got it under control!
7. I don't really know how to even begin this section, but I wanted to end with this. There is this thing called grace. I, in no way, understand how it works, and for the longest time I thought I did. I see the idea of grace popping up again and again in my life, and I want to start researching it through the word, so hopefully (after a few trips to Starbucks) my idea of grace will be fully developed. I am a first year teacher. I never have anything done on time. Sometimes, my students look at me and I KNOW they are not getting anything I am teaching. I am too hard on some students and let some students get away with crazy stuff. I never have my house clean... never, and I love a clean house. I have high expectations of myself. I do not know how to be a girlfriend by any means... I am not even really sure if this whole dating thing is worth it... I'm thinking friends to marriage! I complain, eat too much ice cream, forget to go to the gym, I talk too much, and miss opportunities to share God's word. I fail! I hold expectations of the people around me, and more often than not, they are too high. People fail. I have seen people including myself torn down by Christians who proclaim the truth of Christ and the love of Christ, but refuse to let people fail. I am reading this book about grace, and the first thing this book talks about is a woman who is starting to prostitute her daughter out in order to provide for her drug habit. When asked if she had gone to a church to seek help, she laughed and said, "I already feel bad about myself, and I don't need to feel worse." Does that speak love? On several occasions, I have found myself in a hard spot. Either when I am struggling with school or Michael and I are struggling in one way or another, sadly, I am seeing that the last place I want to run to seek help are those who love the Lord. I get scared. I understand how the enemy uses this against people. I want to learn how to live a life that proclaim Christ through LOVE, GRACE, and JOY. I want to show Michael grace and learn how to accept grace. I am learning that once again that many of my views of God given to me since birth are very wrong, but more on this later.
