A Few Months After Becoming A Christian
I said a pray at 8 years-old, and I am not sure that if in that
moment, I was saved from hell. However, I did not become a
Christian until 11 LONG YEARS later.
My parents did the best they could, but for most of my life I believed that you had to EARN love. I became perfect in so many ways. If you had seen me at school you would have been wowed. I played all the sports, in all the clubs, had straight A's, and I read my Bible all the time. I was perfect, and I felt that you had to be. However, my home life was crazy, and I was constantly being attacked by Satan. For any of you that do not believe in a spiritual world, let me sit down and talk with you for awhile, and you will have to believe after hearing some of the things I witnessed. I knew there was a Satan and I knew there was a God. I saw more than I would honestly care to remember. It was impossible to deny the existence of either.
I am not using this time to talk poorly about anyone in my life, but I will tell you the truth. During my life, I experienced many types of abuse and I have vivid memories or dreams of abuse that may or may not have happened. I will tell you this, those memories are hard to deal with and have had some impact in my life, but my past does not decide my future and just because my family was screwed up doesn't mean that I have to be screwed up either. I love my mom and dad with all my heart, and I believe that God gave them to me because HE knew they would do their best in raising me. My parents made mistakes but those mistakes are not life altering just curve balls. Those of you out there who complain about their life now because your past was bad, I would very kindly tell you to grow up. You get to make the choices now.
A Year and A Few Months After Becoming Saved
Things got interesting my senior year of high school. By this time my parents were divorced, and I barely ever saw my mother. I lived most of my life alone because my dad worked a lot, and I had friends but they were not the type of friends that would encourage me in Christ. I didn't go to church EVER... which is hard to think about now. I also was starting to consider living life without God on my side. I was more interested in guys and how to get quick satisfaction. I hurt a lot of people during this time in my life, and more than that I hurt myself. I became more sexually involved (though never really having sex); therefore, putting me in the most horrid type of bondage. I started sneaking out of the house on a regular basis, I began to lie creating a world of deception, and I began on a never ending circle downward.
I became very "messed up." Perfect Paula was gone... very gone. I started failing classes, I gained a TON of weight, and I started to become very sucidal. I tried to cry out, but teachers were more focused on my grades, and people were more focused on who I used to be... I could have never gone back to who I used to be because that person was fake and sick. A teacher of mine told my dad that I was on drugs, and life at home became more suffocating... yes that is the best word for it. I could only think of one thing... GET OUT!
I got a full paid scholarship at University of Arkansas at Fayetteville. I started as a Freshman with a hope of becoming better. I made some friends, and I attended classes. Lets get real though... we cannot fix ourselves. The same problems... they follow you. I began an addiction to alcohol very early in my college career. A few boys asked my roommate and I to their dorm where I was introduced to Gem Clear... one of the most dangerous alcohols you can drink. I became a pro at drinking it before the end of the year almost to the point of shooting it straight. Something I am not proud of... I was not the most virtious wife there.
Somehow I made it through my first semester of college without killing myself. God was there, I know He was... quietly calling my name. I was still constantly thinking about killing myself, alcohol became my new escape, and though I promised I would clean myself up... I became sexualy involved again... funny how that bondage never goes away. My dad found out a few things about my life away from home while I was at home over Christmas. We got into a huge fight and he threatened to throw me out of the house that instant if I went back to Fayetteville. As much as I hated living with my dad, if I had been smart I would have stayed with him, but nope... I went back. Life only got worse. I lied so much by this point I couldn't remember what was true and what was false. I stopped going to classes... literally I just didn't go. I partied so much that I never went more than a few days without being drunk. I had a dear friend attending UofA with me. He was a Kappa Sigma. We would drive back and forth from Fayetteville to home on breaks. I used to have a big crush on him, and he had a crush on me for awhile. I would party with him, and he would try to give me a safe place to stay if I got too wasted. I would talk to him about how life sucked and I just needed something from God, and how I wanted to do better for God. I told him how I knew there was another life out there and I just had to get there.
I Now Spend My Life Telling Young Girls About God and Who They Are in Christ
He died not too long ago... I never got to tell him about my relationship with Christ. I never told him how I finally had found out what that other life was. God gave me the chance... I talked to this friend a few days before his death. I was too afraid to share what God did... I will live with that forever.
You know... through so much of my pre-saved life I would ask God where He was. Life was hard, and I wanted to know where He was if He was suppossed to save us, but He was there. I was locked in a room once with a man I didn't know but who was stronger than I was. This man had me by the wrists and wouldn't let me go. I had wondered into this room drunk, and I now I couldn't get out. Somehow or another I got out of the room untouched... safe. That was God. Once, I was too drunk, and I decided to walk back to my dorm instead of staying at the Kappa Sig house. I was with a friend, but she was no better than I was. We ran into some guys on the walk home that for some REALLY STUPID reason, we got in the car with. They took us back to the dorm... but... lets just say the ride came with a price. I left again untouched and safe... God was there. Once, I decided to drive to Missourri in the middle of the night. However, I never got gas and ended up in the country very late without any gas. A few cops stopped me and eventually threw me out of the state and told me to go back to Arkansas. I had no gas... below E. I prayed to a God I hated to get me safely back to a gas station, and he did. God was there.
I can't believe that I am still alive. To make a long story from getting too much longer, I got kicked out of the UofA. I lost my scholarship. That summer, I ran away from home after amost drinking a bottle of pine sol. I went back to Fayetteville to get my scholarship back, but I didn't make good enough grades to keep it. I came home, and began to fall deeper... if that was possible. I began an emotional affair with a man that I worked with... he was married. He used to tell me that he wanted to break up with his wife and be with me. Thankfully, they are still married, and I don't have to list home wrecker on my list of things God had to forgive me for. I wasn't going back to college until Central Baptist College called me the day classes started and offered me a softball scholarship. I told them no thank you three different times before I finally agreed to go fill out the paper work. I started CBC, but I HATED CBC. I refused to be apart of the college. Life at home was getting crazier. It wasn't until the Winter that I finally turned to God. I was driving down a road very fast and flipped my car three times after losing control and spinning out. I came away with nothing but a bruise, and my car was total.... God and all of His angels were there. I became a Christian that day by simply saying, "God... I shouldn't be alive, but since I am, I dedicate my life to following You."
I can't believe that I am still alive. To make a long story from getting too much longer, I got kicked out of the UofA. I lost my scholarship. That summer, I ran away from home after amost drinking a bottle of pine sol. I went back to Fayetteville to get my scholarship back, but I didn't make good enough grades to keep it. I came home, and began to fall deeper... if that was possible. I began an emotional affair with a man that I worked with... he was married. He used to tell me that he wanted to break up with his wife and be with me. Thankfully, they are still married, and I don't have to list home wrecker on my list of things God had to forgive me for. I wasn't going back to college until Central Baptist College called me the day classes started and offered me a softball scholarship. I told them no thank you three different times before I finally agreed to go fill out the paper work. I started CBC, but I HATED CBC. I refused to be apart of the college. Life at home was getting crazier. It wasn't until the Winter that I finally turned to God. I was driving down a road very fast and flipped my car three times after losing control and spinning out. I came away with nothing but a bruise, and my car was total.... God and all of His angels were there. I became a Christian that day by simply saying, "God... I shouldn't be alive, but since I am, I dedicate my life to following You."
Thank God that He forgave and that He gave a man who also Forgave.
God has done so many miracles in my life since I gave it to Him. I am no longer afraid, I now have hope and no longer have any addictions or sucide thoughts. It has been a battle, but God continues to provide. I eventually saw a Christian counselor that helped me break all of the bondage that my family and myself placed me under. God is the only reason I can do anything.
Paula:: it means Little One Dependent on God.... "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73:28
In a minute... Michael Bean is going to come home with that goofy smile. He is going to wrap his arms around me, kiss me, and look me in the eye and tell me how amazing I am. I may even shed a tear of joy at the life that God has given me... yes it was a gift, and I did nothing to deserve this gift. Michael loves me with that unconditional love too... wow, I am so blessed.
May you all find your relationship with Christ... not ruled based religion, but a honest relationship where you can see your God as your Daddy.
This is the image I am constantly given... God, Daddy, with His arms opened wide and a smile on His face saying, come to me... I want you, and I love you. You are weak... quit acting like you are too good or too strong for me... come to me, and if you can't walk, call out My name, and I will come to you. Just call for me, and I will hold you in My arms... always and forever.
Thats a great love story.
