Happy Advent

 Happy first day of Advent everyone!  I am so excited about the Advent season finally starting (it feels like I have been waiting forever on December 1st to get here).  Two reasons I am excited... Numero 1: This is the first time I have ever celebrated Advent.  Numero 2:  Since we are not doing treats but activities instead, it is like my husband and I have 25 dates planned for the next 25 days, and I love dates with my husband!  To celebrate Advent I prayed for days for God to show me how to make an Advent calendar.  My sister in law is so creative!  She made these beautiful little boxes out of Christmas cards last year.  They were adorable, and after stalking pinterest and google... I came up with this.  I adore our little Advent calendar.

 Today is the first day! 
 What do we do on the first day?  We go on a fun Christmas trip.  In an hour we will be loading up the car and headed to Silver Dollar City to see the lights.  Last year, Michael and I went to Hot Springs to see the lights at Garvin Gardens.  This year, we are getting to take a whole slew of Beans.  All of my nieces and my brother and sister-in-law are coming with us! 



The third reason I am really, really, really excited is that each day there is a verse that is going to lead our family through the gospel.  Today's first is John 1:1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

 

 

Such powerful verses in such a time of need!  I get so frustrated with our world sometimes, but He has overcome the darkness... we will overcome the darkness! 

 The last thing on our Advent Calendar is this ornament.  This is just a little cheap thing I found at Hobby Lobby (GO HOBBY LOBBY), but I adore it already.  We will put it on our tree first thing Christmas morning and then read and discuss the Christmas story.  A whole month of celebration awaits!

The two stockings and the sign have nothing to do withe Advent, but I just had to share.  My wonderful sister-in-law and I worked all day long to make these stockings.  They are lined burlap, and we actually MADE them.  I mean I went to the store to buy fabric, we got out the sewing machine, and we made them.  I like them, but I may be sticking to buying items that need to be sewn in the future.  I still have scars.. ;)  In addition to these stockings.. I had to share my little sign.  I love this little sign.  It brings a smile to my face everytime, and it happily greets visitors. 

HAPPY ADVENT! 

There is a Baby in my tummy

There is a baby in my tummy.  At least that is what the doctors and eight or so pregnancy tests I have taken say.  I have to be honest, I don't really "feel" pregnant right now.  I do however feel tired and so bloated (maybe tmi), so maybe I am starting to feel pregnant.  I thought it would feel different than this, though. 

     We are somewhere between four and five weeks (probably closer to five weeks now).  We found out last Monday, and we really did not feel the need to wait and tell people.  The doctor confirmed what the tests showed, and we are patiently waiting on our first ultrasound appointment so that we may be able to see this little miracle. 

    I had become so at peace with not being pregnant.  I had come to the realization that our last miscarriage was a blessing and now an important part of our testimony that we can share with people to encourage.  I was focused on getting my body healthy so that when he had a baby, it would have a safe place to grow.  I actually remember telling my sister-in-law Sunday that I had come to a place where I wanted to focus on getting healthy and it didn't matter that we had not conceived again. 

    I guess the joke is on me.  I wanted to start a juice fast/cleanse last Monday, but before beginning I thought I may take a pregnancy test (we had a couple laying around the house).  I spotted on Saturday and thought my cycle was starting, but after a few spots the bleeding stopped.  **shrugs**  I was so frustrated and just wanted to know what was wrong with me, so I guess that feeling is what made me take the test. 

   The first test was clearly positive.  I didn't call Michael, I didn't freak out, and I didn't even get really excited.  I remember thinking, "Okay... let's try this again."  After waiting about an hour, I tried again, and again the test was positive.  I called my sister-in-law.  I informed her that I was holding two positive pregnancy tests.  I could tell that she wanted to be excited; I wanted to feel that rush of excitement as well, but honestly... I just felt nervous.  I questioned a bit on whether or not to tell my husband yet.  I knew another miscarriage would be hard on both of us, and the apprehensive feelings would not just go away.  However, I wanted to have hope.  I wanted hope to flood through our home and hearts.  I wanted this to be a cause of celebration.  Michael came home for lunch, and I told him.  He was so excited, and my heart was broken for my own selfish tendencies of fear.  

    We went to the doctor on Monday, and they did an ultrasound, but it was too early to tell anything.  They took some blood and called on Tuesday to confirm that I was in fact pregnant.  My HcG was a 63 and my progesterone was at a 9.6.  I was having some slight cramps (possibly due to the low progesterone and possibly due to the fact that cramps are fairly normal.)  They brought me back into the doctor Wednesday, and took blood again.  My HcG had risen to 157, but my progesterone had fell to 9.3.  They went ahead and put me on a progesterone supplement.  I have some chest tenderness that will not go away, but the cramps are gone and really the only nausea I am feeling is when I am not getting enough food in my body (which has become a whole other issue that I will be discussing in living with PCOS). 

    I think having children is a funny thing.  Michael and I were up late the other night discussing children and how we just really get to borrow them for a little while.  It is like God entrusts us with a child so that we can teach that child the ways of the Lord.  Right now, even while that child is in my womb, we pray with the child and we begin the process of teaching it about who the Lord is and His service.  My hope and prayer is that our children will see the love of Christ and the desire for His people to know Him more all through our family.  My hope is that they will not feel like they will have to get a good job or go to college, but that they will live a life dedicated to serving the Kingdom.  Michael and I have already dedicated the life of this child to the Lord.  We will raise this child up in His ways.  Maybe one day we will get to hold this child and kiss it's face and mend it's broken heart or broken bones.  However, maybe we will only get to experience the child while it is in the womb, and before it comes out, God will take it home.  I guess it is about letting go and letting God.  He knows. 

From what I read, it is normal to be very apprehensive after miscarraige, and it is very normal not to really "feel" pregnant at five weeks.  Each day we are allowed to keep this child, we will love this child.

     

"Please Sir, I want some More"

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

Proverbs 14:30

   How does a person get pregnant?  When I was young, a nonbeliever, and very naive I would say something like, "You have sex out of wed-lock, and then you get pregnant.  Getting pregnant out of wed-lock is the ultimate sin." 

    **Rolls Eyes** 

   This may be a stupid question to you, but to me... it is a sincere thought.  Is it kinda like when I was single and people used to tell me, "Oh... it is when you get comfortable with your singleness and you do not want to be married anymore.  Then God sends in your true love."  Again, another ridiculous statement said most of the time by women who are married, but I believed it enough that I used to stay up late at night telling God over and over again, "Okay, I am comfortable with my singleness.  I don't want to be married God.  God do you hear me?!  I said I am fine the way I am, and I never want a boyfriend or a husband."  This (by the way) never got me a husband.  God did bring a husband to me, and it was definitely all God, but oddly enough it came when I finally said, "God, I do want to be a wife, and I do want to be a girlfriend, and I am not okay with being single, but I will wait on you, and while I am waiting I will continue to bring You glory." 

   So now I am married, and after more than a year of marriage and no baby to stay up late at night and rock, I am at it again.  Another question, and desperately searching for answers from anyone with a story "like" mine.  It is almost humorous... well, it is humorous.  This research has me shooting a tablespoon of coconut oil, taking six pills of thyroid aid, and praying all the time for answers on how to "cure" my inability to bear children.  Today, I had to call the doctor (again) and I fought to hold back tears (again), and I heard the same words on the other end of the line "Take a pregnancy test and call back." (again), and once again a negative line, some hard tears, and a coming back to Jesus moment simply asking, "Now what?" 

     I say all of that to say this... I feel like God grew me up today.  I used to talk about wanting a simple life, but then when I started looking up the verses about living a simple life, I never found any that talked about having a simple life as a good thing.  It was actually quite the opposite.  However, I did find many verses that discussed pursuing peace.  Peace: like when Jesus walked out in the middle of the storm peace.  Like when Peter got out of the boat peace... like when... WHAT?!  Peter got out of the boat, oh no!  Lost control, sink!

       I desire godly peace in my life, in whatever ministry or job God brings me to, and in my home.  I have been very unpeaceful lately all because of selfish desires.  Maybe two weeks ago I was stomping around the house because summer is almost over and I feel like I haven't got to go on any adventures!  How dare I let summer go by and not do anything fun!  I got a rude wake up call when God kindly reminded me that I have in fact been all over the United States this summer, I picked up a new photography job as well as a new teaching job, I got an ice cream maker, and I have hiked in new chacos while drinking from a new filtered camelback.  Oops... did I say that I haven't got to do anything fun?

       Envy... envy robs of joy.  It robs of peace.  It robs you from hearing God's voice.  The desire to be somewhere different, to be someone else, or to even have something you feel like God is purposefully denying you takes the peace that God told us to pursue and it shoves into a tight little box until you feel like you are going to explode.  God takes us on adventures when we give our life to Him.  It is a guarantee!  He puts hopes and dreams into our head when we are patiently listening to His voice and reading His Word.  When we begin to pursue those dreams, He opens all of the doors... we simply just step through them.  There is the adventure!  However, we as humans, are always turning around and simply stating, "but I want more."

I want more adventure.

I want more time in the woods.

I want more time in the water.

I want more money.

I want more people to attend my church.

I want more of a ministry.

I want more children.

I want more camera equipment.

I want more tools.

                         Having dreams and desires are not BAD.  I know that God knows me better than anyone including myself, so He knows that I want children, a ranch, a photography business, etc.  But when I start looking at all the things that He has not given me, I forget to be grateful for all the things that I am holding in the moment. 

      I lose peace.  I lose joy.  I lose trust.  I lose comfort.

In the end... I lose.

     Now, I'm not saying be lazy.  There is no waiting at home for Mr. Right to come walking through your door (no matter how many times you tell God you don't want a boyfriend), but don't be crazy. 

 Be still and know that He is God (not you, or the coconut oil).

   Know that He stilled the wind and all was calm.  (Not me...Panic mode!) 

Be still.

Be still.

Be still.

And when He says, "Okay, this is next."  Do not hesitate... GO! 

Obedience precedes joy.

    I spent much of my young adult life searching for the next best thing.  Not all of my wanderings were selfish, but I spent much of that searching coming up with plans that were not of God.  I wasted time wanting the more and not enjoying the moment of peace that God was giving me, and you know what... looking back, there are times that I miss those times, and I think "why didn't I take advantage of what God was trying to give me in the moment?"  Cause the reality is, I'm still young, and when you have children, they are yours for life.  So maybe God is saying, "Hey you!  Stop.  Be still.  Do what I have you to do, and children will come when the come.  Quit stressing... you will get back in the woods soon, and there are more adventures waiting, but for right now...  I need you to clean your husband's socks.  I need to you love on those children so that they do not grow old not knowing love.  I need you to witness to your neighbor and send cookies to the girls down the street. This is what I have for you.  So do what I say and have peace.  I am giving you peace in the chaos.  Take it, cause you don't want to miss what I've got planned for you."

   I like the feeling of being healthy, and I think organic food tastes like 8,000 times better than anything else in the world.  I like taking my thyroid aid, and I may even try metformin again, but the reality is, God is the creator of life, and when He is ready... I will hold a life in my arms that looks a lot like a Bean.  (And it will probably be a girl). 

 

Because Roses have Thorns

Have you ever found it interesting that roses are the symbol for true romance?  As cliche as they may be, I don't believe there are many women out there that would get upset if they came home and their husband had a bouquet of roses waiting for them.  I love flowers.  I am one of those odd girls that buy themselves flowers just so I can have fresh flowers on my table.  I value the times that Michael will pick me a rose or a flower from a garden or from a path we are currently hiking.  It makes me feel especially valued and loved.  That seems so silly in writing, but I don't think I am alone.  There is something about getting flowers, and there is really something about getting roses. 

However, yesterday as I lay on my bed picking at the roses that lay on my pillow, my dear sweet husband tells me, "Be careful, they have thorns."  That seemed such a perfect comment for the day we were having.  Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our first year of marriage.  People say that the first year is the hardest, but I can honestly say that marriage has been more natural than I believed it would be, and we have had a smooth year filled with wonderful memories.  I can honestly say that in addition to a smooth year, Michael and I made it through a year without any fights.  We had disagreements and frustrations, but when I think about fights I remember yelling and slamming doors.  We lasted an entire year without a single fight... well almost.

Michael and I woke up Monday morning ready to be angry at each other.  We laughed later that we should have both just went back to sleep and started the day over.  I decided that instead of being submissive, I would be rebellious, and Michael decided instead of being patient, he would allow frustration to creep into his head.  We were on our way to float the Buffalo, but we made it to Starbucks before Michael said that we couldn't do this today.  It just didn't feel right.  I made so many mistakes in the next few hours, and he did as well.  I ended up driving to my sister-in-laws house because I honestly felt like it was the most reverent thing I could do at the time.  I needed to back away from the situation.  When I returned home there were two letters and roses on my pillow.  We apologized to each other and came up with a plan to rescue the day.

Looking back on what happened, I almost laugh about how silly we were being.  The emotions and the hurt was real, but the expression of that emotion and hurt was childish.  One of the things my students never could understand was that for Michael and I, divorce is not an option.  We made a covenant on our wedding day not a contract.  That means that no matter how Michael disappoints me or how I disappoint Michael, we are together forever for better or worse.  Our pastor made this very clear during premarital counseling and the wedding itself, but I would tell my students that no couple ever gets married hoping for a divorce.  People marry hoping for a lifetime of happiness and love.  However, after just a short time in marriage, reality sets in for a rude awakening.  Men and women are so different.  Michael and I accidentally hurt each other all the time without knowing why our actions hurt the other.  Something I will say will just kill him and something he will do or most likely something he will forget to do will send me on a crazy train of fear and emotion. 

 Our Father in Heaven values the covenant of marriage as a symbol of His covenant with His people.  He promises to love no matter what happens, and we to have to promise to love no matter what happens.  My students would ask me questions like, "If Michael cheats on you, would you leave him then?"  I would respond with I hope that I am mature enough that in that moment I would forgive.  I would be hurt, and it would take awile to build trust, but I would forgive.  Why?  I cheat on God all the time by making other things my idols instead of worshipping Him.  He forgives and loves despite my actions.  Who am I to deny my husband the same forgiveness that God freely gives to me?

Roses have thorns, but we desire and cherish them anways.  Marriage also has thorns.  We haven't been married long.  We still have that newlywed feel about us, but we are learning.  Marriage takes a lot prayer, forgiveness, "I'm sorry," and obedience to the Word.  It takes sacrafice of things you thought were very important, and it takes a kind word.  It takes knowing that the enemy is against marriage and is trying to find ways to destroy your relationship.  Many times my husband will remind me, "this is an attack from the enemy."  Love is a choice.  I get to decided if I am going to love Michael today.  Love is not some crazy emotion that I have no control over.

I am thankful for my dear sweet husband who loves me much more than I could ever imagine!  I cannot believe that I am so blessed to be married to such an amazing man.  He is more forgiving and kind than I could ever hope to be.

We ended up hiking at Burns Park yesterday, and we had an amazing time!  I bought my first pair of Chacos with my husband's hard earned money, and we had to get a little dirt on them.  We cooked out with my sister-in-law and her family and finally ate a piece of our wedding cake. :)  Last night as we held each other, we thanked each other for a beautiful day.  A day that wouldn't have came if we were not willing to forgive and move on with our life and marriage. 

30 Before 30

     What is it about starting a new adventure in life that makes us want to review our life?  I guess that is a sill question, but I do feel as if life goes so quickly I have to take time to review what I have actually done.  What started as an assignment for my students (the last assignment I ever gave them) has now became a great adventure in the Bean household.  So here it is...my 30 Before 30 (30 things I would like to do before I turned 30 years old).

1. Have children
2. Go to another country
3. Be published
4. Run the mud-run
5. Run a half-marathon
6. Be involved with a ministry
7. Go on a spontaneous trip
8. Get a tattoo
9. Have a photography business
10. Go white water rafting.
11. Buy a pair of Chacos
12. Play the guitar on stage.
13. Work at a coffee shop
14. Drink wine at a vineyard.
15. Go sking with Michael
16. Become a free and happy housewife
17. Go to D.C. in the winter
18. Kayak More
19. Dance barefoot, on the sand, in the rain
20. Take a ride on a train.
21. Hike at least 20 trails.
22. Go on one backpacking trip
23. Own a small house
24. Help a trafficked victim
25. Ride a horse in the country
26. Learn another language
27. Take a picture with a child from another country in another country
28. Donate hair to locks of love
29. Visit the Grand Canyon and the Redwoods
30. Have a home where the Spirit is free to move, where food is good and healthy, where it looks comfortable and fun, and where people can come to feel happy and safe.


                         I don't know if I will accomplish all or any of these, but it is fun to dream.  However, we have officially started saving for a trip to Europe, and we are going hiking over our anniversary weekend.  What about you?  If you had to do a 30 before 30 or a 40 before 40 list, what would be on the list?

Allowing the Holy Spirit to Move

Look what came in the mail Monday!

Am I the only one out there that ever feels completely inadequate for the life that God has chosen for me? I cannot explain how many days I have sat at the end of my bed in prayer saying out loud, "you want me to do what?" About half the time I feel so grateful and astonished that God would use me for such greater purposes, and the other half of the time I just feel like a scared child trying to learn how to walk. I picture my adult self holding out my arms to Jesus just like a child holds their arms out to their parents when they feel unsure of a situation or unsure if they can do something.

However, though God is still open to embrace me, it feels like more and more God is holding my hand and telling me, "I am with you, go on now" instead of just running to answer my call from relief. I don't know if anyone out there in blog world has ever felt like this, but I guess here lately more times than not, my prayers go something like this, "I'm not sure about this God, but I am sure about You... so lets go!" Along with this prayer comes with the cloud of doubt and the threat of failure, but I just keep on trucking (like the little engine that could).

God's got me, so what do I have to worry about.

The other night, before bed/after prayer, my dear husband leaned over to me and thanked me for introducing him to the fight against human trafficking. He said, "I don't think I have ever expressed how grateful I am for you showing me this and getting me involved." I wanted to cry because I have feared for so long that I am just tugging him along without really knowing what he wanted and he was going along with it because he loved me and is pretty much a no complaining type guy. These words came at a much needed time and were an answer to a prayer. This was such a beautiful example of how God above is watching over us as we embark on this journey of "Kingdom Living."

These feelings of inadequacy were tormenting me until I finally realized that I am inadequate. I have nothing to give anyone I meet. The only thing I have ever given God was my heart, and honestly I didn't do anything for that either. His life was the gift, I just responded with gratitude, so I am inadequate, but the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are nothing short of completely able. I think fondly about my sister-in-law who is now pregnant with her fourth child (her youngest about 7 months). I can imagine now as she lay sick that she too feels inadequate to answer the leading that God is providing, but she too is being taken care of by a heavenly Father who knows what is happening to her and is providing.

In house church, we have been studying the book of Acts. I am constantly amazed by how God used so many inadequate people to do amazing things for the kingdom. I finally posed a question last Monday that has been haunting me. Is the Holy Spirit just naturally quieter now by nature or do we quiet the Holy Spirit with our lives? My question was answered with this response: "If you lived in Africa, you would not be asking this question." Our comfort living gives us a false sense of control. We believe that we have it all together because we are living these comfortable lives where there is enough food to gorge ourselves on easily and enough entertainment to keep us busy. We debate over the DUMBEST things because we have the comfort and ease to debate. It is easy to sit and debate when you are sitting on a plush chair.

But is the HOLY SPIRIT allowed to move in our lives.

There are so many reasons I think I quiet the Holy Spirit in my own life: Pride and desiring to do everything myself, fear in what the Holy Spirit might actually do once given complete freedom in my life, and an addiction to comfort. Last night, before I finally fell asleep, I asked God to kill all things in me that hinder the Holy Spirit's movement. I also prayed for the Holy Spirit to take a hold of me and move me and in me. So many changes happening at one time, but I am at peace and filled with joy in my inadequacy.

Thank God that we don't have it all together because He is still in control.