Alex Ezekial Bean

     One of the most amazing things about being the wife of Michael T. Bean is that he lets me deal with things the way that I need to deal with them.  He lets me express my pain and grief the best way I know how, and sometimes that looks really messy.  Sometimes it involves crying, eating, starving, running, and here recently... cleaning.  Sometimes it involves diving into the Word of God to see what He says about everything, and sometimes it deals with diving into my work.  My husband holds my hand through the crazy train, and when it is all said and done, I walk out of situations feeling bolder and encouraged.  Michael kindly presents truth without pushing it into my face. 


I started a post about a week ago titled "The Line between Dying and Living."  It was basically a rant about how if this baby were out of my womb and ended up dead, people (in general) would have been more considerate.  Honestly, though, we have had lots of love from all sorts of people, and there is hope where there is tragedy.  I am blessed by the flowers that sit on my table and other items of love we were given from people. I am so thankful for the love that was heaped upon us. 


If you ask Michael and I how we are doing, we will tell you good.  That is what people have been trained to say right?  We ask these questions, and we say these things because being "real" with people is scary.  The mixture of emotions in my head is way too complex to explain to people in short surface level conversations.  This was the second baby that we have lost.  The second baby now dead.  The second baby without a grave, and honestly, I think I may have grieved more with the first.  I almost expected this one to end like this.  Does that make me a person of little faith?  Perhaps.

Michael didn't think this one was gonna end.  From day one, he knew that he were going to get to keep this one.  He believed we were going to hold this baby.  He is not a person of little faith. 

Friday night, I shot a gala.  Later, we went to my brother and sister-in-laws house to watch a movie.  We talked and laughed late into the night, and before we went home I had to run to the bathroom.  I had finally got to the point in my pregnancy where I stopped checking for blood when I went to the restroom.  When I saw the blood... I thought I was living a dream.  This couldn't be real... not this time.  The doctor said my numbers looked good, and we saw the baby.  Why was I bleeding?  This is not normal... this is not okay.  I called my husband into the bathroom, and the look of horror on his face sent me into tears.  This was it... our baby was dead. 

When you are considered "high risk" like me, the doctor's really do not want to give you hope that your baby is going to make it the whole nine months.  Early in your pregnancy they tell you what to expect when you miscarry.  They call the process passing.  I hate... HATE the word miscarriage.  It is a mask that pro-choice America labeled a dying baby because the reality is too hard to handle.  I wonder about my own stance on pro-life and pro-choice debates.  I am a big pro-life supporter, but why am I so pro-life?  Is it because I believe that the child in the womb is in fact a baby, or is it because I know that soon the baby will be born and then it will be a child with a great future?

Saturday morning I woke up thinking the whole thing was a bad dream.  I even looked up information about bleeding during pregnancy.  The blood had definitely slowed down, and I thought, perhaps, our baby was still alive.  Around 2:30pm the "passing process" began.  Did you know that when your baby dies (even at six weeks) you still have to deliver the baby?  That is what they mean when they say miscarriage cramps and passing.  You have contractions, and you have to deliver the baby.  I would say around 7ish, we delivered our baby.  Though I feel like I grieved more with the last pregnancy, this pregnancy has left a scar on my heart I can't seem to get over.  A traumatic event that has got me terrified of answering the question, "how are you doing?"  There are so many events that have happened that has me wondering if I was a good mother.  I saw a picture of a six week old baby, and I wanted to throw up.  My baby didn't get a grave.  My poor little baby was given the same funeral we would give a yucky bug that we just killed.  The guilt and shame on my heart because of this one thing is the thing that keeps me up at night.  I think about the day I see my baby again.  I want to apologize to him. 

God is here.  He hasn't left me, and He is still good.  The worst words right now are that God is in control.  These words are incomplete and just leave me bitter.  God is in control... I know that!  I just struggle with the idea that God is still good.  My head knows that God is good... all the time.  My heart is just struggling with believing. That Saturday, three things happened.  I fell more in love with my husband.  My dear, sweet husband didn't get a moment rest.  By 5:30pm, I was in so much pain I couldn't move.  He held my hand and texted back and forth with my mother-in-law.  By 6:00pm, I was in a hot bath and starving.  My husband had to make dinner and run back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom.  He never once threw in the towel.  He kept telling himself, "Right now, I focus on Paula... the rest will come."  The next thing that happened is something that will haunt me for awhile still.  The last thing that happened was a decision that my husband has sworn to help me with.  My disease is killing my children... so I must kill my disease. 


So how are we doing...really... good.  I am terrified about going back to church, but I know that I am going to have to go back sometime.  I have started getting rid of everything in our house that isn't useful.  We have too much stuff, and I need life to be simple right now.  We don't cry all the time.  We even have days where we do not cry at all.  I do not answer my phone all the time because I am an emotional mess right now, so I am trying to take my time with people.  I am recovering physically.  I still have to work, but I am thankful to not have a full time job right now.  Yes, there is still a God, and yes, He still is good.  I know that He has a huge purpose for us, and I honestly believe that the next child... we will get to keep and hold.  I really do think that we will bounce back more quickly this time.  However, there will always be the scar.       


Alex Ezekial Bean:  Alex means protector of men, and Ezekial with an A means God give me strength.  If he had been allowed to walk this Earth, he would have been a powerful force for the kingdom, but since God decided (for whatever reason) to take him early.  We must stand for him. 
   

There is a Baby in my tummy

There is a baby in my tummy.  At least that is what the doctors and eight or so pregnancy tests I have taken say.  I have to be honest, I don't really "feel" pregnant right now.  I do however feel tired and so bloated (maybe tmi), so maybe I am starting to feel pregnant.  I thought it would feel different than this, though. 

     We are somewhere between four and five weeks (probably closer to five weeks now).  We found out last Monday, and we really did not feel the need to wait and tell people.  The doctor confirmed what the tests showed, and we are patiently waiting on our first ultrasound appointment so that we may be able to see this little miracle. 

    I had become so at peace with not being pregnant.  I had come to the realization that our last miscarriage was a blessing and now an important part of our testimony that we can share with people to encourage.  I was focused on getting my body healthy so that when he had a baby, it would have a safe place to grow.  I actually remember telling my sister-in-law Sunday that I had come to a place where I wanted to focus on getting healthy and it didn't matter that we had not conceived again. 

    I guess the joke is on me.  I wanted to start a juice fast/cleanse last Monday, but before beginning I thought I may take a pregnancy test (we had a couple laying around the house).  I spotted on Saturday and thought my cycle was starting, but after a few spots the bleeding stopped.  **shrugs**  I was so frustrated and just wanted to know what was wrong with me, so I guess that feeling is what made me take the test. 

   The first test was clearly positive.  I didn't call Michael, I didn't freak out, and I didn't even get really excited.  I remember thinking, "Okay... let's try this again."  After waiting about an hour, I tried again, and again the test was positive.  I called my sister-in-law.  I informed her that I was holding two positive pregnancy tests.  I could tell that she wanted to be excited; I wanted to feel that rush of excitement as well, but honestly... I just felt nervous.  I questioned a bit on whether or not to tell my husband yet.  I knew another miscarriage would be hard on both of us, and the apprehensive feelings would not just go away.  However, I wanted to have hope.  I wanted hope to flood through our home and hearts.  I wanted this to be a cause of celebration.  Michael came home for lunch, and I told him.  He was so excited, and my heart was broken for my own selfish tendencies of fear.  

    We went to the doctor on Monday, and they did an ultrasound, but it was too early to tell anything.  They took some blood and called on Tuesday to confirm that I was in fact pregnant.  My HcG was a 63 and my progesterone was at a 9.6.  I was having some slight cramps (possibly due to the low progesterone and possibly due to the fact that cramps are fairly normal.)  They brought me back into the doctor Wednesday, and took blood again.  My HcG had risen to 157, but my progesterone had fell to 9.3.  They went ahead and put me on a progesterone supplement.  I have some chest tenderness that will not go away, but the cramps are gone and really the only nausea I am feeling is when I am not getting enough food in my body (which has become a whole other issue that I will be discussing in living with PCOS). 

    I think having children is a funny thing.  Michael and I were up late the other night discussing children and how we just really get to borrow them for a little while.  It is like God entrusts us with a child so that we can teach that child the ways of the Lord.  Right now, even while that child is in my womb, we pray with the child and we begin the process of teaching it about who the Lord is and His service.  My hope and prayer is that our children will see the love of Christ and the desire for His people to know Him more all through our family.  My hope is that they will not feel like they will have to get a good job or go to college, but that they will live a life dedicated to serving the Kingdom.  Michael and I have already dedicated the life of this child to the Lord.  We will raise this child up in His ways.  Maybe one day we will get to hold this child and kiss it's face and mend it's broken heart or broken bones.  However, maybe we will only get to experience the child while it is in the womb, and before it comes out, God will take it home.  I guess it is about letting go and letting God.  He knows. 

From what I read, it is normal to be very apprehensive after miscarraige, and it is very normal not to really "feel" pregnant at five weeks.  Each day we are allowed to keep this child, we will love this child.

     

"Please Sir, I want some More"

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

Proverbs 14:30

   How does a person get pregnant?  When I was young, a nonbeliever, and very naive I would say something like, "You have sex out of wed-lock, and then you get pregnant.  Getting pregnant out of wed-lock is the ultimate sin." 

    **Rolls Eyes** 

   This may be a stupid question to you, but to me... it is a sincere thought.  Is it kinda like when I was single and people used to tell me, "Oh... it is when you get comfortable with your singleness and you do not want to be married anymore.  Then God sends in your true love."  Again, another ridiculous statement said most of the time by women who are married, but I believed it enough that I used to stay up late at night telling God over and over again, "Okay, I am comfortable with my singleness.  I don't want to be married God.  God do you hear me?!  I said I am fine the way I am, and I never want a boyfriend or a husband."  This (by the way) never got me a husband.  God did bring a husband to me, and it was definitely all God, but oddly enough it came when I finally said, "God, I do want to be a wife, and I do want to be a girlfriend, and I am not okay with being single, but I will wait on you, and while I am waiting I will continue to bring You glory." 

   So now I am married, and after more than a year of marriage and no baby to stay up late at night and rock, I am at it again.  Another question, and desperately searching for answers from anyone with a story "like" mine.  It is almost humorous... well, it is humorous.  This research has me shooting a tablespoon of coconut oil, taking six pills of thyroid aid, and praying all the time for answers on how to "cure" my inability to bear children.  Today, I had to call the doctor (again) and I fought to hold back tears (again), and I heard the same words on the other end of the line "Take a pregnancy test and call back." (again), and once again a negative line, some hard tears, and a coming back to Jesus moment simply asking, "Now what?" 

     I say all of that to say this... I feel like God grew me up today.  I used to talk about wanting a simple life, but then when I started looking up the verses about living a simple life, I never found any that talked about having a simple life as a good thing.  It was actually quite the opposite.  However, I did find many verses that discussed pursuing peace.  Peace: like when Jesus walked out in the middle of the storm peace.  Like when Peter got out of the boat peace... like when... WHAT?!  Peter got out of the boat, oh no!  Lost control, sink!

       I desire godly peace in my life, in whatever ministry or job God brings me to, and in my home.  I have been very unpeaceful lately all because of selfish desires.  Maybe two weeks ago I was stomping around the house because summer is almost over and I feel like I haven't got to go on any adventures!  How dare I let summer go by and not do anything fun!  I got a rude wake up call when God kindly reminded me that I have in fact been all over the United States this summer, I picked up a new photography job as well as a new teaching job, I got an ice cream maker, and I have hiked in new chacos while drinking from a new filtered camelback.  Oops... did I say that I haven't got to do anything fun?

       Envy... envy robs of joy.  It robs of peace.  It robs you from hearing God's voice.  The desire to be somewhere different, to be someone else, or to even have something you feel like God is purposefully denying you takes the peace that God told us to pursue and it shoves into a tight little box until you feel like you are going to explode.  God takes us on adventures when we give our life to Him.  It is a guarantee!  He puts hopes and dreams into our head when we are patiently listening to His voice and reading His Word.  When we begin to pursue those dreams, He opens all of the doors... we simply just step through them.  There is the adventure!  However, we as humans, are always turning around and simply stating, "but I want more."

I want more adventure.

I want more time in the woods.

I want more time in the water.

I want more money.

I want more people to attend my church.

I want more of a ministry.

I want more children.

I want more camera equipment.

I want more tools.

                         Having dreams and desires are not BAD.  I know that God knows me better than anyone including myself, so He knows that I want children, a ranch, a photography business, etc.  But when I start looking at all the things that He has not given me, I forget to be grateful for all the things that I am holding in the moment. 

      I lose peace.  I lose joy.  I lose trust.  I lose comfort.

In the end... I lose.

     Now, I'm not saying be lazy.  There is no waiting at home for Mr. Right to come walking through your door (no matter how many times you tell God you don't want a boyfriend), but don't be crazy. 

 Be still and know that He is God (not you, or the coconut oil).

   Know that He stilled the wind and all was calm.  (Not me...Panic mode!) 

Be still.

Be still.

Be still.

And when He says, "Okay, this is next."  Do not hesitate... GO! 

Obedience precedes joy.

    I spent much of my young adult life searching for the next best thing.  Not all of my wanderings were selfish, but I spent much of that searching coming up with plans that were not of God.  I wasted time wanting the more and not enjoying the moment of peace that God was giving me, and you know what... looking back, there are times that I miss those times, and I think "why didn't I take advantage of what God was trying to give me in the moment?"  Cause the reality is, I'm still young, and when you have children, they are yours for life.  So maybe God is saying, "Hey you!  Stop.  Be still.  Do what I have you to do, and children will come when the come.  Quit stressing... you will get back in the woods soon, and there are more adventures waiting, but for right now...  I need you to clean your husband's socks.  I need to you love on those children so that they do not grow old not knowing love.  I need you to witness to your neighbor and send cookies to the girls down the street. This is what I have for you.  So do what I say and have peace.  I am giving you peace in the chaos.  Take it, cause you don't want to miss what I've got planned for you."

   I like the feeling of being healthy, and I think organic food tastes like 8,000 times better than anything else in the world.  I like taking my thyroid aid, and I may even try metformin again, but the reality is, God is the creator of life, and when He is ready... I will hold a life in my arms that looks a lot like a Bean.  (And it will probably be a girl). 

 

Overwhelmed by Love

There are new photos under the Serendipity Photography tab, new recipe under Living with PCOS tab, and there is a new Paula creation under the Her Own Hands Design tab. Please, check it out!

There are many things that I am just amazed about today...

Prayer is an amazing tool for peace and taking thoughts captive.

For the first time in a long time, I am not driving myself crazy wondering if I am pregnant or not. There is just a peace that has came over me with the knowledge that God is hearing the prayers of many families all around the United States as well as the prayers going up in on our house. I am settled with hope. That is an amazing place to be.

Miracles happen at Pitza42

Yesterday, before my husband went to class, we went to eat at Pitza42 in Conway. I love this place because they are focused on making a difference in the lives of hungry children. However, blessings happen right in the store as well. When my husband and I got to the counter to pay, the cashier smiled at us and said, "Someone just came and paid for four meals for couples today. You just got the first, so your meal is paid for." I laugh at my reaction now, but in a shocked voice I asked, "are you serious?!" The cashier just laughed at me. We were thankful for our free meal, but we were blessed by the giving heart of some stranger, and now my husband and I are trying to come up with some ideas that we can pay it forward.

I love being an Aunt

There is just something special about being called Aunt Paula (or Aunt PawPaw). Even the baby smiles when she sees me, and my life gets a little bit better. Those little girls (all SIX of them) challenge me to be a better person. I also am learning great tools for when I become a parent. I haven't changed a poopy diper yet... that will take some work.

My husband is an amazing man who is a great dancer.

After my husband got out of class, he took me to my great Valentine's surprise. He took me dancing to this little country "old-people" dance hall. We had the BEST time, though we didn't actually dance a whole lot. It reminded me of when my Aunt Nell would take me to her dance hall. My husband and I made up stories for all the people there. It was a great time.

I am overwhelmed by Love. Sweet phone messages from a friend named Erin who I haven't seen in years, and sweet words from friends right down the street filled my day, and I cannot believe I serve a God that has given me so much. May all of your days be blessed... of course, they probably already are.