Happy Advent

 Happy first day of Advent everyone!  I am so excited about the Advent season finally starting (it feels like I have been waiting forever on December 1st to get here).  Two reasons I am excited... Numero 1: This is the first time I have ever celebrated Advent.  Numero 2:  Since we are not doing treats but activities instead, it is like my husband and I have 25 dates planned for the next 25 days, and I love dates with my husband!  To celebrate Advent I prayed for days for God to show me how to make an Advent calendar.  My sister in law is so creative!  She made these beautiful little boxes out of Christmas cards last year.  They were adorable, and after stalking pinterest and google... I came up with this.  I adore our little Advent calendar.

 Today is the first day! 
 What do we do on the first day?  We go on a fun Christmas trip.  In an hour we will be loading up the car and headed to Silver Dollar City to see the lights.  Last year, Michael and I went to Hot Springs to see the lights at Garvin Gardens.  This year, we are getting to take a whole slew of Beans.  All of my nieces and my brother and sister-in-law are coming with us! 



The third reason I am really, really, really excited is that each day there is a verse that is going to lead our family through the gospel.  Today's first is John 1:1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

 

 

Such powerful verses in such a time of need!  I get so frustrated with our world sometimes, but He has overcome the darkness... we will overcome the darkness! 

 The last thing on our Advent Calendar is this ornament.  This is just a little cheap thing I found at Hobby Lobby (GO HOBBY LOBBY), but I adore it already.  We will put it on our tree first thing Christmas morning and then read and discuss the Christmas story.  A whole month of celebration awaits!

The two stockings and the sign have nothing to do withe Advent, but I just had to share.  My wonderful sister-in-law and I worked all day long to make these stockings.  They are lined burlap, and we actually MADE them.  I mean I went to the store to buy fabric, we got out the sewing machine, and we made them.  I like them, but I may be sticking to buying items that need to be sewn in the future.  I still have scars.. ;)  In addition to these stockings.. I had to share my little sign.  I love this little sign.  It brings a smile to my face everytime, and it happily greets visitors. 

HAPPY ADVENT! 

Christmas Ornaments

 Christmas season is almost here, and we are getting ready for it at the Bean house.  Monday night, I hosted a Clep test prep for my students and some that are not my students but needed the practice.  When I got there, one of my beautiful students presented me this ornament.  It is precious to me.  Almost a year ago, I asked Michael for a camera, and he said to wait.  Almost a year ago I began praying, and now here we are on the go constantly capturing God's moments.  I am know begging Michael to learn how to shoot so that he can be my second shooter.  Every life changing moment or trip that Michael and I experience, we buy a Christmas ornament.  Sometimes ornaments are no where to be found, so we end up getting a key chain, and yes, the key chain goes on the tree.  Anyway, I would like to share some of our new ornaments this year.  My ornaments are so special to me! 

Some friends gave us a weekend get away trip last Christmas, and nothing work out on the trip.  By the end of the night, Michael and I were just laughing.  It rained on us, and we walked into this hotel dripping wet where everyone else was wearing ball gowns.  We got spoiled ice cream from Sonic and finally made a taco bell run when all else failed.  We did get to see some beautiful Christmas lights.  It was such a wonderful weekend despite all that happened because it was one of THOSE weekend trips.  I loved it!!  I love when things do not go according to plan.

 This is the ornament I picked up from San Fransico when I attended my Not For Sale Fight Against Human Trafficking Investigator Academy.  I went to Pier 39 to play tourist.  I had such a lovely time in the city, and I am so thankful for the things I learned there and how God has opened up doors.  This ornament constantly reminds me that my dear husband will always let me chase the things God has created.  What a wonderful husband and God I have!

 Last year, Michael and I got the chance to work with an organization in Atlanta fighting trafficking and the sex industry.  We spent our Christmas going in and out of brothels and strip clubs!  I am just amazed at the adventures God has given us!!  Michael was of course the hit of the show... he carried twice as many food boxes as most people and he was so protective of the team when we went into the brothels!  We picked this ornament up after going to Birmingham to spend Christmas Eve at David Platt's church.

 This is not only an ornament but a reminder of the sweet baby we lost earlier this fall.  I guess, it is actually a reminder of both of our sweet babies that wait for us in heaven.  We keep this out all year long, but it is nice to be able to hang this on the tree.  This brings tears to my eyes still.  I miss my children, but I know that they are in good hands.  They are playing and walking with the King!  I am blessed to know that they are well taken care of.

Picked up in the airport on my way back from San Fransico.  I went to Colorado a long time ago but forgot to get an ornament, so this was on the top of the to do list.  However, this also serves as a reminder of the time I spent in the airport alone!  I was so scared and my God gave me courage and strength, and my husband gave me encouragement!

My dad got married this past year.  His wife is very considerate of Michael and I.  The past few years, we have spend the day after Thanksgiving with my dad.  This year, his wife made me a special Paleo Pumpkin Pie.  I was very grateful.  She got Michael this ornament shortly before her and my dad got married.  She has been so good for my dad.




So what Christmas traditions do you have in your home?

"Please Sir, I want some More"

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

Proverbs 14:30

   How does a person get pregnant?  When I was young, a nonbeliever, and very naive I would say something like, "You have sex out of wed-lock, and then you get pregnant.  Getting pregnant out of wed-lock is the ultimate sin." 

    **Rolls Eyes** 

   This may be a stupid question to you, but to me... it is a sincere thought.  Is it kinda like when I was single and people used to tell me, "Oh... it is when you get comfortable with your singleness and you do not want to be married anymore.  Then God sends in your true love."  Again, another ridiculous statement said most of the time by women who are married, but I believed it enough that I used to stay up late at night telling God over and over again, "Okay, I am comfortable with my singleness.  I don't want to be married God.  God do you hear me?!  I said I am fine the way I am, and I never want a boyfriend or a husband."  This (by the way) never got me a husband.  God did bring a husband to me, and it was definitely all God, but oddly enough it came when I finally said, "God, I do want to be a wife, and I do want to be a girlfriend, and I am not okay with being single, but I will wait on you, and while I am waiting I will continue to bring You glory." 

   So now I am married, and after more than a year of marriage and no baby to stay up late at night and rock, I am at it again.  Another question, and desperately searching for answers from anyone with a story "like" mine.  It is almost humorous... well, it is humorous.  This research has me shooting a tablespoon of coconut oil, taking six pills of thyroid aid, and praying all the time for answers on how to "cure" my inability to bear children.  Today, I had to call the doctor (again) and I fought to hold back tears (again), and I heard the same words on the other end of the line "Take a pregnancy test and call back." (again), and once again a negative line, some hard tears, and a coming back to Jesus moment simply asking, "Now what?" 

     I say all of that to say this... I feel like God grew me up today.  I used to talk about wanting a simple life, but then when I started looking up the verses about living a simple life, I never found any that talked about having a simple life as a good thing.  It was actually quite the opposite.  However, I did find many verses that discussed pursuing peace.  Peace: like when Jesus walked out in the middle of the storm peace.  Like when Peter got out of the boat peace... like when... WHAT?!  Peter got out of the boat, oh no!  Lost control, sink!

       I desire godly peace in my life, in whatever ministry or job God brings me to, and in my home.  I have been very unpeaceful lately all because of selfish desires.  Maybe two weeks ago I was stomping around the house because summer is almost over and I feel like I haven't got to go on any adventures!  How dare I let summer go by and not do anything fun!  I got a rude wake up call when God kindly reminded me that I have in fact been all over the United States this summer, I picked up a new photography job as well as a new teaching job, I got an ice cream maker, and I have hiked in new chacos while drinking from a new filtered camelback.  Oops... did I say that I haven't got to do anything fun?

       Envy... envy robs of joy.  It robs of peace.  It robs you from hearing God's voice.  The desire to be somewhere different, to be someone else, or to even have something you feel like God is purposefully denying you takes the peace that God told us to pursue and it shoves into a tight little box until you feel like you are going to explode.  God takes us on adventures when we give our life to Him.  It is a guarantee!  He puts hopes and dreams into our head when we are patiently listening to His voice and reading His Word.  When we begin to pursue those dreams, He opens all of the doors... we simply just step through them.  There is the adventure!  However, we as humans, are always turning around and simply stating, "but I want more."

I want more adventure.

I want more time in the woods.

I want more time in the water.

I want more money.

I want more people to attend my church.

I want more of a ministry.

I want more children.

I want more camera equipment.

I want more tools.

                         Having dreams and desires are not BAD.  I know that God knows me better than anyone including myself, so He knows that I want children, a ranch, a photography business, etc.  But when I start looking at all the things that He has not given me, I forget to be grateful for all the things that I am holding in the moment. 

      I lose peace.  I lose joy.  I lose trust.  I lose comfort.

In the end... I lose.

     Now, I'm not saying be lazy.  There is no waiting at home for Mr. Right to come walking through your door (no matter how many times you tell God you don't want a boyfriend), but don't be crazy. 

 Be still and know that He is God (not you, or the coconut oil).

   Know that He stilled the wind and all was calm.  (Not me...Panic mode!) 

Be still.

Be still.

Be still.

And when He says, "Okay, this is next."  Do not hesitate... GO! 

Obedience precedes joy.

    I spent much of my young adult life searching for the next best thing.  Not all of my wanderings were selfish, but I spent much of that searching coming up with plans that were not of God.  I wasted time wanting the more and not enjoying the moment of peace that God was giving me, and you know what... looking back, there are times that I miss those times, and I think "why didn't I take advantage of what God was trying to give me in the moment?"  Cause the reality is, I'm still young, and when you have children, they are yours for life.  So maybe God is saying, "Hey you!  Stop.  Be still.  Do what I have you to do, and children will come when the come.  Quit stressing... you will get back in the woods soon, and there are more adventures waiting, but for right now...  I need you to clean your husband's socks.  I need to you love on those children so that they do not grow old not knowing love.  I need you to witness to your neighbor and send cookies to the girls down the street. This is what I have for you.  So do what I say and have peace.  I am giving you peace in the chaos.  Take it, cause you don't want to miss what I've got planned for you."

   I like the feeling of being healthy, and I think organic food tastes like 8,000 times better than anything else in the world.  I like taking my thyroid aid, and I may even try metformin again, but the reality is, God is the creator of life, and when He is ready... I will hold a life in my arms that looks a lot like a Bean.  (And it will probably be a girl). 

 

Cause the Salsa Needs Canning

    I have had the title of this post in my mind for a long time.  I have been very lazy with writing lately, and there is no excuse for my laziness.  Writing is a very powerful tool in my life, and to deny the Holy Spirit's gift because of laziness is a shame.  As many of you know, at least those of you in blog world that take your sweet time to read my updates (which by the way, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to read the words God has given me), my husband and I have began a journey into a world of ministry.  We are very dedicated to proclaiming freedom around the world starting in our own community.  These past few years have brought many life changing events ending with me on a plane to San Fransisco to become trained in investigation and reporting for cases of slavery in my own community.  I was trained, and after being home for only a few days, I was asked to be involved with a Human Trafficking Awareness Summit held at the state capital. 

   Amazed by the new updates in the law, I was excited to be asked to be involved with such a wonderful adventure, so I embarked on what I now kindly refer to as "little black dress" ministry.  This type of ministry includes putting on your best clothes and playing "important" with big name law officials.  Sorta like when we were children and played house.  You knew inside that you did not belong in this type of world (at least not yet), but you welcomed the chance to play. 

   It didn't take long for me to realize, though, that I did not belong in this world (at least not yet).  I left at the morning break because I had a house to clean, people to visit, and salsa to can. 

    Time is precious.  It is the most precious gift you can give someone, and it is a fleeting part of our lives.  Our time is different than a store bought gift because once you have given your time, it can never be returned.  I must never be selfish with my time, or deny time to a person that God has told me to give because it doesn't fit into my schedule.  Sometimes the people that God tells us to spend time with isn't logical.  My home and family must be a major part of my time (the most important), but home and family can also consume every second of my time becoming more of a distraction.  My time is too precious to be spent on chasing ideas and dreams that I cannot see God's hand holding together, and like I trust my money, love, and life to God, my time also, must be daily given to Him.  Time spent must be intentional, for spending time can quickly become meaningless or wasted.  Sadly, there are occasions where time spent doing "ministry" is just wasted time.  Time could be spent better elsewhere such as canning salsa.     

I have learned these lessons the hard way.  Naturally, I am a shy person when I am in a crowd that I am not known.  It takes me quite awhile to warm up to people, and even then it is easy for me to move on from relationships.  It is a piece of my personality that makes me incredibly sad.  I like to fill my days with checklists and management, but this doesn't allow the Holy Spirit to move.  We must be intentional with our time because reality is, there are many things to get done in a day.  Every house wife knows that from the moment she wakes up to the moment she lies down, she is in movement.

    So I left the meeting because that season of my life hasn't came as of yet, and honestly, I have done very little with the training I came home with from San Fransisco.  I hope to change this, but it is all about waiting on the Holy Spirit to move.  I will squeeze in here though, it is about movement as well.  More on that later.  It takes waking up every morning and asking God, "Okay, what do I do today?"  It takes obeying His leading when He tells you to go or to stay.  What season of life are we in as of now?  Well, I am building a photography business, and it is going very well (thanks be to God and the creative insights the Holy Spirit has given me).  I am trying to find a place at the kickboxing gym that I am now attending (since I am officially past all hurts and aches), and I am attempting to get healthy enough to carry a baby to term.  I am seeing a natural herbalist doctor guy that has suggested some medicine that will raise my body temp high enough to keep a baby (since my normal body temp is below 96 degrees), and I am starting to feed my body organic food.  My prayer is that by the end of the year, we will be pregnant again, and the baby will be carried to term.  I am also in a season of leaving full time work and going to part time work and trusting God with money.  Finally, I am in a season of building a ministry.  God just hasn't given me or my husband the picture of what that is going to look like yet. 

So what season of life do you find yourself in at the moment, and are you spending your time intentionally in that season?

Because Roses have Thorns

Have you ever found it interesting that roses are the symbol for true romance?  As cliche as they may be, I don't believe there are many women out there that would get upset if they came home and their husband had a bouquet of roses waiting for them.  I love flowers.  I am one of those odd girls that buy themselves flowers just so I can have fresh flowers on my table.  I value the times that Michael will pick me a rose or a flower from a garden or from a path we are currently hiking.  It makes me feel especially valued and loved.  That seems so silly in writing, but I don't think I am alone.  There is something about getting flowers, and there is really something about getting roses. 

However, yesterday as I lay on my bed picking at the roses that lay on my pillow, my dear sweet husband tells me, "Be careful, they have thorns."  That seemed such a perfect comment for the day we were having.  Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our first year of marriage.  People say that the first year is the hardest, but I can honestly say that marriage has been more natural than I believed it would be, and we have had a smooth year filled with wonderful memories.  I can honestly say that in addition to a smooth year, Michael and I made it through a year without any fights.  We had disagreements and frustrations, but when I think about fights I remember yelling and slamming doors.  We lasted an entire year without a single fight... well almost.

Michael and I woke up Monday morning ready to be angry at each other.  We laughed later that we should have both just went back to sleep and started the day over.  I decided that instead of being submissive, I would be rebellious, and Michael decided instead of being patient, he would allow frustration to creep into his head.  We were on our way to float the Buffalo, but we made it to Starbucks before Michael said that we couldn't do this today.  It just didn't feel right.  I made so many mistakes in the next few hours, and he did as well.  I ended up driving to my sister-in-laws house because I honestly felt like it was the most reverent thing I could do at the time.  I needed to back away from the situation.  When I returned home there were two letters and roses on my pillow.  We apologized to each other and came up with a plan to rescue the day.

Looking back on what happened, I almost laugh about how silly we were being.  The emotions and the hurt was real, but the expression of that emotion and hurt was childish.  One of the things my students never could understand was that for Michael and I, divorce is not an option.  We made a covenant on our wedding day not a contract.  That means that no matter how Michael disappoints me or how I disappoint Michael, we are together forever for better or worse.  Our pastor made this very clear during premarital counseling and the wedding itself, but I would tell my students that no couple ever gets married hoping for a divorce.  People marry hoping for a lifetime of happiness and love.  However, after just a short time in marriage, reality sets in for a rude awakening.  Men and women are so different.  Michael and I accidentally hurt each other all the time without knowing why our actions hurt the other.  Something I will say will just kill him and something he will do or most likely something he will forget to do will send me on a crazy train of fear and emotion. 

 Our Father in Heaven values the covenant of marriage as a symbol of His covenant with His people.  He promises to love no matter what happens, and we to have to promise to love no matter what happens.  My students would ask me questions like, "If Michael cheats on you, would you leave him then?"  I would respond with I hope that I am mature enough that in that moment I would forgive.  I would be hurt, and it would take awile to build trust, but I would forgive.  Why?  I cheat on God all the time by making other things my idols instead of worshipping Him.  He forgives and loves despite my actions.  Who am I to deny my husband the same forgiveness that God freely gives to me?

Roses have thorns, but we desire and cherish them anways.  Marriage also has thorns.  We haven't been married long.  We still have that newlywed feel about us, but we are learning.  Marriage takes a lot prayer, forgiveness, "I'm sorry," and obedience to the Word.  It takes sacrafice of things you thought were very important, and it takes a kind word.  It takes knowing that the enemy is against marriage and is trying to find ways to destroy your relationship.  Many times my husband will remind me, "this is an attack from the enemy."  Love is a choice.  I get to decided if I am going to love Michael today.  Love is not some crazy emotion that I have no control over.

I am thankful for my dear sweet husband who loves me much more than I could ever imagine!  I cannot believe that I am so blessed to be married to such an amazing man.  He is more forgiving and kind than I could ever hope to be.

We ended up hiking at Burns Park yesterday, and we had an amazing time!  I bought my first pair of Chacos with my husband's hard earned money, and we had to get a little dirt on them.  We cooked out with my sister-in-law and her family and finally ate a piece of our wedding cake. :)  Last night as we held each other, we thanked each other for a beautiful day.  A day that wouldn't have came if we were not willing to forgive and move on with our life and marriage. 

Allowing the Holy Spirit to Move

Look what came in the mail Monday!

Am I the only one out there that ever feels completely inadequate for the life that God has chosen for me? I cannot explain how many days I have sat at the end of my bed in prayer saying out loud, "you want me to do what?" About half the time I feel so grateful and astonished that God would use me for such greater purposes, and the other half of the time I just feel like a scared child trying to learn how to walk. I picture my adult self holding out my arms to Jesus just like a child holds their arms out to their parents when they feel unsure of a situation or unsure if they can do something.

However, though God is still open to embrace me, it feels like more and more God is holding my hand and telling me, "I am with you, go on now" instead of just running to answer my call from relief. I don't know if anyone out there in blog world has ever felt like this, but I guess here lately more times than not, my prayers go something like this, "I'm not sure about this God, but I am sure about You... so lets go!" Along with this prayer comes with the cloud of doubt and the threat of failure, but I just keep on trucking (like the little engine that could).

God's got me, so what do I have to worry about.

The other night, before bed/after prayer, my dear husband leaned over to me and thanked me for introducing him to the fight against human trafficking. He said, "I don't think I have ever expressed how grateful I am for you showing me this and getting me involved." I wanted to cry because I have feared for so long that I am just tugging him along without really knowing what he wanted and he was going along with it because he loved me and is pretty much a no complaining type guy. These words came at a much needed time and were an answer to a prayer. This was such a beautiful example of how God above is watching over us as we embark on this journey of "Kingdom Living."

These feelings of inadequacy were tormenting me until I finally realized that I am inadequate. I have nothing to give anyone I meet. The only thing I have ever given God was my heart, and honestly I didn't do anything for that either. His life was the gift, I just responded with gratitude, so I am inadequate, but the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are nothing short of completely able. I think fondly about my sister-in-law who is now pregnant with her fourth child (her youngest about 7 months). I can imagine now as she lay sick that she too feels inadequate to answer the leading that God is providing, but she too is being taken care of by a heavenly Father who knows what is happening to her and is providing.

In house church, we have been studying the book of Acts. I am constantly amazed by how God used so many inadequate people to do amazing things for the kingdom. I finally posed a question last Monday that has been haunting me. Is the Holy Spirit just naturally quieter now by nature or do we quiet the Holy Spirit with our lives? My question was answered with this response: "If you lived in Africa, you would not be asking this question." Our comfort living gives us a false sense of control. We believe that we have it all together because we are living these comfortable lives where there is enough food to gorge ourselves on easily and enough entertainment to keep us busy. We debate over the DUMBEST things because we have the comfort and ease to debate. It is easy to sit and debate when you are sitting on a plush chair.

But is the HOLY SPIRIT allowed to move in our lives.

There are so many reasons I think I quiet the Holy Spirit in my own life: Pride and desiring to do everything myself, fear in what the Holy Spirit might actually do once given complete freedom in my life, and an addiction to comfort. Last night, before I finally fell asleep, I asked God to kill all things in me that hinder the Holy Spirit's movement. I also prayed for the Holy Spirit to take a hold of me and move me and in me. So many changes happening at one time, but I am at peace and filled with joy in my inadequacy.

Thank God that we don't have it all together because He is still in control.