Allowing the Holy Spirit to Move

Look what came in the mail Monday!

Am I the only one out there that ever feels completely inadequate for the life that God has chosen for me? I cannot explain how many days I have sat at the end of my bed in prayer saying out loud, "you want me to do what?" About half the time I feel so grateful and astonished that God would use me for such greater purposes, and the other half of the time I just feel like a scared child trying to learn how to walk. I picture my adult self holding out my arms to Jesus just like a child holds their arms out to their parents when they feel unsure of a situation or unsure if they can do something.

However, though God is still open to embrace me, it feels like more and more God is holding my hand and telling me, "I am with you, go on now" instead of just running to answer my call from relief. I don't know if anyone out there in blog world has ever felt like this, but I guess here lately more times than not, my prayers go something like this, "I'm not sure about this God, but I am sure about You... so lets go!" Along with this prayer comes with the cloud of doubt and the threat of failure, but I just keep on trucking (like the little engine that could).

God's got me, so what do I have to worry about.

The other night, before bed/after prayer, my dear husband leaned over to me and thanked me for introducing him to the fight against human trafficking. He said, "I don't think I have ever expressed how grateful I am for you showing me this and getting me involved." I wanted to cry because I have feared for so long that I am just tugging him along without really knowing what he wanted and he was going along with it because he loved me and is pretty much a no complaining type guy. These words came at a much needed time and were an answer to a prayer. This was such a beautiful example of how God above is watching over us as we embark on this journey of "Kingdom Living."

These feelings of inadequacy were tormenting me until I finally realized that I am inadequate. I have nothing to give anyone I meet. The only thing I have ever given God was my heart, and honestly I didn't do anything for that either. His life was the gift, I just responded with gratitude, so I am inadequate, but the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are nothing short of completely able. I think fondly about my sister-in-law who is now pregnant with her fourth child (her youngest about 7 months). I can imagine now as she lay sick that she too feels inadequate to answer the leading that God is providing, but she too is being taken care of by a heavenly Father who knows what is happening to her and is providing.

In house church, we have been studying the book of Acts. I am constantly amazed by how God used so many inadequate people to do amazing things for the kingdom. I finally posed a question last Monday that has been haunting me. Is the Holy Spirit just naturally quieter now by nature or do we quiet the Holy Spirit with our lives? My question was answered with this response: "If you lived in Africa, you would not be asking this question." Our comfort living gives us a false sense of control. We believe that we have it all together because we are living these comfortable lives where there is enough food to gorge ourselves on easily and enough entertainment to keep us busy. We debate over the DUMBEST things because we have the comfort and ease to debate. It is easy to sit and debate when you are sitting on a plush chair.

But is the HOLY SPIRIT allowed to move in our lives.

There are so many reasons I think I quiet the Holy Spirit in my own life: Pride and desiring to do everything myself, fear in what the Holy Spirit might actually do once given complete freedom in my life, and an addiction to comfort. Last night, before I finally fell asleep, I asked God to kill all things in me that hinder the Holy Spirit's movement. I also prayed for the Holy Spirit to take a hold of me and move me and in me. So many changes happening at one time, but I am at peace and filled with joy in my inadequacy.

Thank God that we don't have it all together because He is still in control.