Burdens of the Heart

To my Beloved “The sounds of the city are calling us tonight, as we sit and glare at the beginning of spring kissing our toes. I close my eyes and urge you to do the same as we take in the breeze, the moment, the life, the hope, and the glory that God has given us. Street lights’ glow bring in a misty haze as the fog begins to sit in for the night’s sleep, and we giggle on the concrete porch as we talk about the moments that have past and the moments to come… the moments to last, for better or worse, for sickness or health, for richer or poorer. Oddly enough, in that moment, I am taken away, far away, to a night long ago… where I slept alone. A brick building, cold and far away, where I laid my head and let the sirens rock me to sleep. While I lay there, after getting off the phone with you oddly enough, I prayed for the city that God placed me in, and I heard their voices. I hear their voices now. It is a glorious thing when God blesses us with a burden, and a burden has been placed on you and I you see. My heart is broken, when I hear their cry. I am saddened and have to remind myself that we serve a great and mighty God. “I want to be used by You” means so much more and so differently to me now. Could God possibly have a plan for my life that is bigger than I could ever imagine? What a silly thought… of course He could! But how am I to prepare for something like that?”

We serve a great and mighty God that hears our prayers and loves His children. I remind myself of this often because the reality is that we live in a world of horror… pure horror. As my finance and I sit on my porch I gaze out and realize that I feel…so… safe. I am free! I can run, jump, laugh, play, cry, feel, work, not work, go to Starbucks for a quick coffee before work, and teach beautiful children about English, God, and life. I am FREE! I dance in FREEDOM! I am so grateful, but I get so angry! What about those who are not free? WHAT ABOUT THOSE?!?!?!?! I scream at the top of my lungs because the reality of Human Trafficking has set in, and I feel so… useless. I come to God as a child with a scraped knee, holding it out to him with desperation in my face… “fix it, please.” I cry at His feet when I think of the children living in an existence that could closely be related to hell. “Why God? Why does this have to happen?” My heart is broken. Then I switch gears because I am not one to stay in tears long… I stand up strong and struggle with God…”GOD THOSE ARE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!” “GOD HEAR THEIR CRY, SAVE THEM BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN!”

About a year and a half ago, at Passion 2010, God started guiding my heart to those in the bondage of Human Trafficking. Much to my STUPIDITY and NAIVETY, I figured the problem was an “over there” type problem. I guess I was too safe to realize that the night I slept in NYC not three weeks before being exposed to the problem of Human Trafficking, I was sleeping in a city that had many cases of Human Trafficking brought into court. A seed was planted in my heart, and slowly but surely it began to grow. A dear friend and I talked about it occasionally, and I watched the movie Taken about three or four times. Soon, however, my curiosity got the best of me… so much so that I convinced my school that they should buy me 10 copies of the book Not for Sale, so I could teach my Pre-ap students. Oddly enough, I was just excited to see that the book came with lesson plans and it had a good meaning. I have had the book in my possession for quite some time, but when the snowapocalypse occurred, I had plenty of time to not only read… but research the issue. Soon, I was engulfed, and my darling fiancé got to handle the aftermath of the search (about three hours of tears and a lot of prayer).

Human trafficking is a $30 Billion dollar industry, and if you have ever taken an economy class, you know that there is no supply when there is no demand. The human trafficking industry makes more money now than drug trafficking. Children as young as eight are trafficked for war, forced labor, and of course sex. Oh, how our world has perverted what God intended to be so good and glorious. A person in forced labor can work 16-18 hours a day with very little to no food to supplement them, children as young as 8 are forced to kill their parents as their initiation into the army, and a woman in sexual bondage can sleep with at many as 15 men a day if not more. I am not a huge fan of statistics because I believe that numbers disconnect people with reality, but these numbers are just too great to ignore. There are more than 27 million people living in forced slavery today. That is a huge number, and you have to remember that these are God’s children. He loves them just as He loves you, and at night when you are sleeping He is watching you as He watches them. This frustrates me… I am warm in my bed, and those women are in brothels scared that the next knock at the door is going to put them to work. My fiancé gets to go to work each day and make good money to support us one day when there are men in bondage that work at the threat of death and see nothing to provide for their family.

The problem began to haunt me, and each beautiful child that I get to see each day reminded me that there was a child their age or younger somewhere facing the horrors of a life in bondage and more so than not sexual slavery. This is not an “over there” problem, however. This is a world problem… this is an Alabama, Arkansas, Texas problem. I thought it very odd when researching the Not for Sale web-site that they had two representatives in the state of Arkansas. Arkansas gets overlooked for everything, so I was shocked when I realized that only half of the states had representatives for Not for Sale, and Arkansas had two. I look further though, and I realized why. Here are some more numbers for you: since 2008, there have been 12 reported cases of human trafficking in Arkansas, and at least one or two cases of human trafficking in other states that trafficked people FROM Arkansas. I decided that if there were so many cases that they had to be in places like Pine Bluff, Little Rock, and West Memphis…Lie! When I looked at a slavery map, I was more than surprised to see Cabot (that is where my Great Aunt Nell used to live… I spent my summers there), Texarkana (I almost moved there to work), Fayetteville (I LIVED THERE!), Rogers, Lonoke, and the list grows. Yes, Little Rock was on the map, but there was not just one case in Little Rock… there were four! All of these incidents of trafficking were sex slavery, and over half of the cases involved children.

Sitting on that porch in my “safe” town of Conway, Arkansas… a far cry from New York City and a further cry from “over there”, I heard the sounds of the city again. The same feeling arose, but this time the voices had a face… a name. They were women and children crying out from the depths of their bondage. The sound filled me with grief, anger, and hope because remember we serve a great and mighty God who loves His children and hears their prayer. Now, we come to a choice…do we ignore what God has shown us, or do we respond? My Beloved and I try to live by the prayer, “I want to be used by You,” so it seems as if our choice has been made for us. Please pray as we prepare for whatever God has planned, and pray for these women, men, and children in bondage. I can only tell you right now that Michael and I have decided to start saving money back to open up a “safe house” for women and children who are coming out of bondage. That is all we have… empty handed staring at a mighty God, with scrapes on our knees crying, “teach us how to mend the cut.”

“You are calling me, I can hear it clearly

To stand for purity and what is pleasing to Your heart.

You are showing me, I can see it clearly

A sense of destiny, a change from everything around me.

Take me by the hand, and show me what Your plan is.

I want to be a part of Your design.

Guide me by the heart, and show me what’s Your future.

I want to leave a mark on history.

I want to be used by You.

I want to be used by You.

So don’t look me over...

I am waiting for You broken…

I want to be used by You.

So have Your way.”

Engagement/Love Story

Michael and I got engaged on Monday, Januaury 17, 2011. That day, I trusted God by trusting that He had provided a man who was going to spend his life loving, protecting, and honoring me. That day, I trusted God by trusting that He would give me the abilities to love, repsect, and honor a man that is very good. I am amazed by how God has provided for us both. I love my fiance Michael, and I am constantly humbled by how he loves me and how I have seen God's love through Michael.

Michael and I met through his brother Nathan... who I actually was interested in dating. Since Nathan and I were such good friends, I hung out with his family on several different occassions. Once, in the spring of 2009, Michael was at a softball game when I showed up excited about life. Michael said something about a Skillet concert and how he could not get anyone to go with him. Jokingly, I said, "Well, you didn't ask me?" Michael laughed and said that he didn't know I wanted to go. The next day I had a facebook message asking if I would like to go to the concert. I gave him my phone number and told him that if he got tickets to call me. He never did get tickets, but he called me anyways to ask if I wanted to go and try to get tickets at the door. At the encouragment of my roomie, Jessica, I said yes. He came and picked me up, and we were off. I was so awkward out and scared, but Michael talked and laughed, and we had a great time. The next morning, my roomie laughed at me cringing in fear and craziness when it became revealed that this man actually liked me.

I went away for the summer, but when I returned, Michael and I started hanging out all the time. He took me to several different places and started showing up at the house randomly. He started making plans for us, and taking care of the five-year-old that I was babysitting at the time and I. I eventually got too afraid to hang out with Michael not knowing where he stood, so one night I just asked him. Michael said that he did in fact like me. I told him simply that there was no way that I would ever date him. The next year was filled with fears and funny stories of times when I tried to avoid Michael to times where I was desperate for Michael's help. I finally had enough. I was tired of trying to run from Michael and honestly run from my fears. I did not talk to Michael all summer long in an attempt to avoid him enough that he would decide that chasing me was just not worth it! I got several text messages that summer, all unanswered.

When I came home from the summer, Michael had moved all of my things into my new house. He was so good, and I was so blind from fear to even notice how I was falling for him. When I returned from camp, it didn't take long for me to decide that he was the one that I wanted. After a week of prayer, I'm sorry's, and long conversations into the night, Michael asked my father to date me. My father said yes. We only dated a couple of weeks until we decided that we wanted to get married. Then, on Decemeber 31st, we decided to get married on May 28th. A couple of weeks later, Michael showed up to my classroom with Sonic Ice Cream, a big goofy smile, and a diamond ring. I have never been so blessed, and my students were beyond excited to get a front row seat to the show.

God works in mysterious ways. Nathan is married to my best friend, maid of honor, and soon-to-be sister Jessica, I am marrying a fantastic God-fearing man, and I am getting a big family in the process.

I am amazed by how God works out His fantastic plans. I love our simple, sweet story.

Michael and I will be married on Saturday, May 28, 2011 at 5 o'clock pm. We will then begin our life together by throwing a big celebration for our friends and families at Woolly Hollow State Park. We thank all of you who are in prayer and support of our engagement and marriage.