"You have to take semester tests."
is close to telling a student that their parent died. It is a sight to see as children dramatically fall to the floor in anguish once they realize that all their goofing off during the semester is now causing them to come to school one extra day, and of course, it is always the teacher's fault.
I do love and enjoy my students, and I love teaching 9th and 10th grade! Even those students that challenge me on a daily basis have worked their way into my heart, and I truly have a passion to push my kids into success! I want to see each one of them graduate and become amazing people. However, many times, I feel like I just push my head into a brick wall when trying to convince them of anything...especially when I tell them that they are smart.
I get frustrated because I do not feel like I am doing any good here. I feel like I am not advancing the kingdom of God, or I feel like I am not doing what I am supposed to do...I know that this is stupid, but this feeling creeps around my heart like a bad cough that just will not go away. I know that I am following God, and I know that I am living a life that He has willed for me, but I can not help but get jealous when I think of the things that I really want to do! I cry on my drives home from work when I feel the wheight of never leaving the country to go tell people that there is a God who loves them or never having the complete freedom to tell my students in my class.
I hate those days, those days that have been a too common occurence. The days where I am running out of the house because Ihavetomakeittobusduty,IhaveameetingthatIamnotfullypreparedfor,Ihaven'tgradedtheTLItestsyet,IgottaruntothegymafterschookbutbebackupatQuitmancausethereisabasketballgame,andIneedtocallMichaeltocancelourdateagaincauseIhavetoomuchgradingtodo, and I see my Bible laying on the couch. I can't tell you the days I have spent driving to work with that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach...you know the one.
I am a coffee addict except on bad days when I bring out the Red Bull, but I no longer sit in some beautiful coffee shop watching the cars drive by while I sip my Sugar Free Hazelnut...oh no! I am typing the way at a computer while I am downing anything that can be classified as Sugar Free and caffienated! I am pouring two to four glasses to stay awake in the morning. One paticular morning, I sent a student to go get coffee because I knew I was done for. There was no creamer or anything to put in the coffee. It is the first time I ever downed black coffee because I NEEDED it!
A dear friend and I were talking the other day about new relationships. I laughed as the friend spoke of staying up way too late just being with their beloved and then dragging themselves to work the next morning. I remember those days, they were not too long ago, and how the joy can be found in those moments. Once, also not so long ago, I would stay up late and read my Bible, talk about the love of the Lord while sipping tea with a friend (TEA, NOT COFFEE), and with FRIENDS (actual humans).
Michael calls me Wonder Woman...she has superspeed.
Superspeed is KILLING ME!
I miss watching sunrises and sunsets. I miss stargazing. I miss God. I miss getting lost in His word. I miss sitting with friends and laughing. I miss reading books to just read and not to plan lessons from.
Becoming a teacher and getting Michael are two of the most amazing blessings that God has sent me this year...but...I constantly ask, but where do I go from here. My emotions, my fears immedietly want to send me into the blame game. I want to blame my job, my boyfriend, my desires, my passions, God, and the very person that God created me to be for my constant movement.
Michael was at my house this morning, sometimes he comes over in the mornings before we have to go to work. It was getting very late, and I should have been getting out of my amazing (and warm) oversized sweatshirts and pj pants. However, I pulled back the curtain of my bedroom and watched how the sun touched each part of the Earth as it rose out of sleep. Michael came in to tell me that I needed to get into the shower, and I could have cried. Of course I needed to get in the shower. I always need to do something. I need to grade, workout, plan lessons, plan a budget. I laughed out loud! Actually, I didn't need any of these things...the only thing I need is GOD!
I pray as God teaches me to be still in the chaos, and know that He is still God.
