Brokeness

Usually I edit my posts three or four times before I post. This is probably the reason why I do not post as much as I probably should. Tonight, though, I am just posting. I do not have any words of encouragement, and I do not have a cause that I am fighting for tonight. I am alone, sitting in a coffee shop alone. I am drowning in my pride, my stress, my tears, my thoughts, my alone, and my selfishness. I am overly tired, and I am so tired of being tired. I would pray for joy, but I am not even sure I have the strength to try. I would go run and get all of my frustration out on the track, but I honestly do not even know if I have the strength to get to my house. I have never been so exhausted. I can not even go home to be safe and sound because my father is there, and I know that once I go home he will want conversation and attention, and I have nothing left to give....

My funds are exhausted...

I was going to spend the evening with my mother, but I made her angry when I blew up at her, and she left. I am now alone here. I knew that this year was going to be a year of loneliness, but I was fooled in thinking that it would all go away when I became a girlfriend and now a fiance. My fiance is good... the best, but he is not God. He can not always be there when I need him to wipe away the tears and the frustration and the headache and the pain... so much pain.

Why can I not love God the way I am apt to love man? My fiance knows me. He sees past my plastered on smile, and he knows when I need a listening ear and when I need something fixed. When he strokes my hair and kisses my forehead, I feel safe. The other night, I asked if he would just simply tuck me in before he left. The closer we get to marriage the harder the battle against sexual temptation becomes, so we live by very strict guidelines. I just needed him to hold me though, and through tears I asked if he could just hold me until I fell asleep. My rest didn't last long because I have a phone that doesn't understand it should not pick up phone calls past 9pm.

I serve a good God who loves me... and I know that it is enough, but my heart cries out many times. My fiance is good. He has had the last two days off because of sick days, and he has gotten to spend his time visiting family and loving on people that I would give my right hand to love on, but I go to work, and I try to love on children who do not want anything to do with me or want too much of me. I am not a hero. I am nothing, and I wish that my kids would see that. I wish my kids would see Christ in me. I wish they would acknowledge His greatness, but I have not done an adequate job showing that to them.

I am angry, jealous, sad, and just mad! I want to be at this coffee shop with a friend who I can laugh with again. I miss laughing with friends. I miss sitting across the table from a wonderful person who offers up prayer. I hate running by myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes... many times, I just want to crawl in a corner and forget that I am apart of this world, and I want to go back when we were all still in college... when we weren't angry with each other or frustrated with one another... when I belonged... or at least I felt like I belonged. I am entering a life that I do not know anything about, and I can not figure out how to be there. I don't understand adulthood, and I sure as heck do not know how to adjust to it!


Oh! How I long for simplicity.... for a job that I can leave when I leave ... for a night of soft music playing at home, and for




The Loneliness to Go Away.


It is mostly the fault of my own. I know that. I get too concerned what people think about me. I get too tired to text or talk on the phone, and I really have nothing good to tell anyone...


I feel like I am a pouting baby when it comes to God.


I've been feeling like a failure most of the time.

I just want to be for just a minute.

Stephanie came to my house to spend the night the other night. My house was covered in mess. Dishes were dirty, clothes were everywhere, and I do not own a vacuum, so yeah... it was bad. Stephanie went to borrow a vacuum and cleaned my house for the most part. When I got home I thought Michael did it. I called to thank him... I am so grateful for him. He laughed and told me that when he got there it was mostly done. Stephanie had done it..



I cried..... I cried a lot.

Not that I wouldn't have been thankful for Michael if he had done the work, but I felt so blessed that she had taken time out of her schedule to perform an act that I have desperately been stressed about.


I know I need joy, and I know that joy is a choice. And I know that I need rest, so that is something I should probably get more of....


But I kinda wish my mom had just stayed.