Oops! I forgot about this thing until tonight for several different reasons, the most pressing being too busy and not sure what to write about. It sounds lame to write about the fact that I am too busy because I feel like for the past two years I have been too busy, and that topic gets old. I also find it useless trying to explain the things that God has been revealing to me because I am not totally sure if I quite understand everything that is being exposed. I am not even sure if I should continue writing because a lot of the times... I guess I feel like I am making a fool out of myself. My hope is that through my words and my gifting, God would teach someone about hope, love, or even Himself. That people out there would see His mercy and His grace by the actual outpouring of all of the above on a horrible sinner. That is what I am by the way... a prideful sinner who spends most of her time making little things into idols instead of focusing on the one true God!
One of my best friends is getting married soon. In August, my husband and I are going to get to take part in the celebration of two lives becoming one. Marriage is such a beautiful thing, and I am more the blessed to say that I get to stand for this marriage. My sister-in-law is starting to show with her fourth child, and it is, of course, a girl. An old roommate of mine who became my sister-in-law about a year ago came to visit recently. God was gracious to bring our paths to cross because admist changing seasons, we definitely left eachother along the road. I shed some tears now as I think about her and how much I honestly just miss her. We held one another and discussed a few topics that we had time to discuss, and then she was gone again. The other night, before we went to sleep, I asked my husband how his heart was doing. He smiled and said that he felt good... the best he has felt in a long time, probably since the miscarriage. His words struck me. I had found so much peace about the miscarriage and in a lot of ways, I have found blessings. I guess I haven't been paying much attention to how my husband was still so affected.
Life is happening, but I feel as if most of the time, I am not paying attention. I like to be organized, but organization can become an idol just like natural eating, working out, and ministry. When whatever IT IS becomes our main focus, we create an idol. Am I ruined by my clocks and lists and plans? Admist all that is, do I still have room for the spontanity of life? Am I hindering the Holy Spirit by being too much of this or that? I long to be healthy, clean, and organized, but I desire more than that to have a home of joy, freedom, and growth. I find myself back in Proverbs 31. These verses have hung heavy on my heart this past year as I have tried to learn how to become a wife. I come to this, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." (verse 25).
Yesterday, I got home from work and immediately started cleaning house and preparing the menu for house church. I began to do this and that without even thinking about serving the Lord and creating an atmosphere of joy. House Church was great, but at one point a friend of mine went into my bedroom to nurse her newborn. Her toddler son continued to go in and out of the bedroom to see his mother. I cringed. My bedroom was messy. The bed wasn't made, and there were clothes on the floor. I spent a good amount of time at church thinking about that stupid bedroom. By the end of the night, I was so stressed I knew that I had created another idol in my life.
My prayer... God create in me a spirit of peace and understanding so that I may laugh at the days to come. Demolish the idols that I have created.
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