She's Dead, Michael

     I finally got sick last night, but it wasn't because of the life growing inside of me.  It was because of the life of a wonderful, beautiful, and funny... oh so funny... 15-year-old that decided she had no desire to remain living on Tuesday night and took her own life.  A wonderful 15-year-old that at one point in her life sat under my leadership as a student, and then when her father became Michael's electrical teacher, I ran into her at least half a dozen other times in the last year. 
  
    I can't seem to wrap my mind around this.  I heard on Tuesday that a child (sophomore) had ended her life.  I quickly did the math in my head.  I taught 7th grade when I taught in that particular school district.  Would those children be sophomores yet... nope, they would be in the 9th grade.  I did my math wrong, though.  My kiddos were in fact entering their sophomore year, and two days after attending, they lost one of their own.  Apparently, it was a case of bullying.  A beautiful child that God created possibly hung out with the wrong people too much or wore different clothing.  Maybe she had gotten a reputation for something else, but either way this reputation spread rampant through the school and in the last two years apparently, the words had become enough! 

Enough.  By the end of last night, I cried behind the wheel of my car begging God for one more chance to talk to her, one more chance to hold her and tell her that God made her beautiful.  One more chance to put truth and life out there in front of her.  Granted, the same outcome may have occurred, but I remember so clearly being her teacher.  I was self-absorbed and convinced that God wanted me in another country like Africa. I didn't belong in America... there is no mission field in America.  The other half of dozen times I saw her, why didn't I just go talk with her.  Ask her about school, giggle about boys.  I stopped teaching in the public school because I felt that I was too limited.  I was eventually going to get in trouble for sharing my beliefs... it was just a matter of time.  However, it seems as if my fears and insecurity can limit me more than any American government or public school.  Time to face the truth.  I am not limited by any law the American government sets... I am limited by my own self-absorption. 

This has happened before.  Not too long ago, I had a friend die.  I had a moment before the death of this friend to share the good news of freedom through Christ.  I didn't do it.  I was too afraid of what this friend would think.  I never spoke to that friend again. 

In the Best Buy parking lot last night, that is the only conclusion I could come up with.  I looked my husband in the eye with the simple statement, "She is dead, Michael."  She is dead, gone, and the grief her parents are going to hold will be the most difficult thing they have ever faced.  The grief and guilt that enters her school is going to be extreme.  What if, she had just one adult... just one that she felt that she could call that night.  Just one teacher who may have decided to break the rules and give her their phone number or one used to be teacher that had a half dozen of chances to speak truth into her life.  What if there was one adult willing to say, "Okay, I am here to be the light, and it is okay for you to intrude into my life a little." 

I think about the young people of the world.  I wish, I could take every single one of them that was hurting and welcome them into our home and life, but the reality is... I can't.  God told us to take care of the poor, widows, orphans, and to raise the children to be men and women who love Him. 

We all have those stories right?  I knew the Holy Spirit was opening a door for ministry, but I was too (insert word here) to help.  I walked by knowingly missing the chance. 

I firmly believe that God is love, and I don't think the church should tolerate sin, but I am so angry that we treat sinners as outcasts.  I don't think the church should tolerate sin because sin is a bondage maker.  It traps people into living lives and believing lies that lead to death.  We are called to love, and we cannot quietly stand and let generations fall to the slavery of sin.  That is not love, but we can't teach our children to outcast them... talk poorly about them.  What if their skirt is too short or different from you... why does it matter?!?!  Why do we allow that to be an issue?  Maybe they do not attend church regularly.  Maybe they have the worst reputation in the world.  Why do we hide from them?  I'm sorry, you screwed your life up really early, so I don't want to be around you anymore.  I don't care if you are only 12, you are a bad influence. 

Then there is the other extreme right?  We don't care what your problem is, come to church, listen to some good music, play some games and see your friends!  At the end of the night, we are going to send you home just as empty and dead as you were when you got here, but you will have some fun for those two hours.  Don't worry about your sin.  We are going to accept you no matter what you are currently doing, and I promise, we will not pick out your sin because we are a no judging church.  We promise to never teach you truth or get too involved with your life. 

I miss this little girl, and I honestly barely knew her.  She was a good student, and from the outside looking in, she appeared to be fine. 

1 John 4:12
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.