Savior Please, Keep Saving Me

Why is it that in our sinful nature we rebel against God when we KNOW that if we follow, trust, and surrender to Him that our lives will end up BETTER, and we will be blessed? It seems, to me, that we would want to live a life serving, loving, and living for His name. I am so completely awed by how my Father in Heaven has provided for me. I have praised His name through this time of peace and calmness and have watched Him pour out blessing after blessing upon me, and when a hiccup happens in the plan I hide away my trust and my complete surrendering because I am afraid that the God of the universe will not be able to handle, provide, or even care about whatever my problem includes.

About six months ago, God started working on my heart about overseas missions, and though at first I was completely pumped about the idea, a few months in a world telling me it was not going to be possible or that I would end up living a life of loneliness if I went caused me to go into a great rebellion. After praying over my rebellion and repenting, I surrendered to God and thanked for the opportunity to be made strong enough that I could travel to far off places and teach His word. Notice I said the opportunity. God never needs me, but He wanted me. I am sad that though my first reaction was like Isaiah in a "Send me" attitude, my third, fourth, fifth, etc. was based around..."it's not fair that I have to go." The whole rebellion makes me sick to my stomach now, God was providing the perfect summer while I was crying out and making demands.

Now, summer is almost over, and I am returning home not to school but a pile of bills and a new job. I am unsure about so many things. I am unsure of the car that I am going to drive...where it is going to come from and how much it will cost. I am unsure of if I will even do a good job teaching. I am unsure about my new living conditions, and whether they will be safe or not. I am unsure about a lot, but being unsure is a good place to be because I have to surrender to the idea that God is holding me and that He will continue to save me.

Here I go into the last two weeks of my camp experience. Here I go into a lifetime of letting God guide me where He wants me to go...many bumps, but knowing that my life is being guarded by a wonderful/powerful God gives me the assurance that I am well taken care of.

A New Kind of Lonliness

I do not really know how to start off this blog. I have about six people who are waiting to use the computer and are already probably ready to kick me off this computer and devour it for their own personal facebook addictions. I love the people I work with. For those of you who do not know, and I do not believe anyone actually reads this that does not know, every summer I pack up a few suitcases full of stuff and with a stomach full of butterflies I head off to nowhere Alabama to "teach girls about Jesus." That is what I tell the beautiful children in my life that look at me with confused faces when I announce that I will not be back for two weeks...one month... three months. I patiently and painfully await for the day that I look in these children's beautiful eyes and say... "I will not be back for seven months." As of right now, tears fill my eyes.

Let me set this up... I am interning at camp this summer which means that one to two hours a day I run around the front office learning how to run a ministry. This is important for me because as I grow older God continues to lead me to ministry roles not at home...or perhaps not in the USA. I was running around halfway getting ready for the night-time activity and halfway babysitting the night-time director's daughter. The little girl's name is Avery, and I was trying to tell her to watch out for something. Quickly, as I shut a door I said, "watch out Embery." The night-time director looked back at me and said, "You called her Embery... her name is Avery. I guess you just did it out of habit." I smiled and agreed, but the moment stuck with me.

I am such a leader here. I am given so many roles that I take on with gusto, and God in His mighty way gives me the ability to do great things even when I feel completely incapable. I am the "Jesus girl." I am the one that people come back early on their night's out so they can help with my showtimes (I teach TrashCan Band). I am the girl that gets people excited when I sign up for a campfire or counselor encouragment. I get so lonely here. I begin to wonder what people like Beth Moore and Loui Gigilo struggle with. I wonder if it is the same type of lonliness that I struggle with here? I am excited that God gets to use me in amazing ways, and I strive for the faith it takes to be willing to be used. Many times that faith falls short. I ask myself on many occassions, "if God said be single and be my missionary, could I do it?" I desire to have a home. I desire to have a family, but I long to follow the Lord in a passionate pursuit, and my "what if's" DESTROY my faith.

What if I never going to get married?

What if I never find a home?

What if I never get a family?

What if I fail?

What if I spend a lifetime "not feeling" anything because I am never around long enough to develop a relationship?

In Luke Jesus speaks with a man that desired to follow Him. Jesus answers with, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." (Luke 9:56-59). I have to believe that Jesus is enough. I have to continue to long for Him and continue to long to follow Him. Look at all that He has given me through my faithfullness, and I now in desperation I pray for mercy on my lonliness (a new kind of lonliness where people are not in short supply but nothing really feels concrete or safe). I pray for faith... a new thing for me. I still continue to pray for a husband... not that it would solve my problems, but it would be a much desired gift. I pray for courage, and strength. I am human, and I fail....so with a heavy heart I cry out, "Savior, Please keep saving me!"

I do not know if God is preparing me for third world or overseas missions, but I hope that I am like Ruth. Ruth followed with a full heart with little to no regard about what was assumed she was giving up to follow Naomi. I miss my friends. I miss my Kathryn and Tracy, and as silly as it sounds many times I miss my future husband. How can you miss someone you have never known? I miss my Embery bear, and I am tired of spending my life MISSING something or someone.

God is faithful.