Savior Please, Keep Saving Me

Why is it that in our sinful nature we rebel against God when we KNOW that if we follow, trust, and surrender to Him that our lives will end up BETTER, and we will be blessed? It seems, to me, that we would want to live a life serving, loving, and living for His name. I am so completely awed by how my Father in Heaven has provided for me. I have praised His name through this time of peace and calmness and have watched Him pour out blessing after blessing upon me, and when a hiccup happens in the plan I hide away my trust and my complete surrendering because I am afraid that the God of the universe will not be able to handle, provide, or even care about whatever my problem includes.

About six months ago, God started working on my heart about overseas missions, and though at first I was completely pumped about the idea, a few months in a world telling me it was not going to be possible or that I would end up living a life of loneliness if I went caused me to go into a great rebellion. After praying over my rebellion and repenting, I surrendered to God and thanked for the opportunity to be made strong enough that I could travel to far off places and teach His word. Notice I said the opportunity. God never needs me, but He wanted me. I am sad that though my first reaction was like Isaiah in a "Send me" attitude, my third, fourth, fifth, etc. was based around..."it's not fair that I have to go." The whole rebellion makes me sick to my stomach now, God was providing the perfect summer while I was crying out and making demands.

Now, summer is almost over, and I am returning home not to school but a pile of bills and a new job. I am unsure about so many things. I am unsure of the car that I am going to drive...where it is going to come from and how much it will cost. I am unsure of if I will even do a good job teaching. I am unsure about my new living conditions, and whether they will be safe or not. I am unsure about a lot, but being unsure is a good place to be because I have to surrender to the idea that God is holding me and that He will continue to save me.

Here I go into the last two weeks of my camp experience. Here I go into a lifetime of letting God guide me where He wants me to go...many bumps, but knowing that my life is being guarded by a wonderful/powerful God gives me the assurance that I am well taken care of.