I do not really know how to start off this blog. I have about six people who are waiting to use the computer and are already probably ready to kick me off this computer and devour it for their own personal facebook addictions. I love the people I work with. For those of you who do not know, and I do not believe anyone actually reads this that does not know, every summer I pack up a few suitcases full of stuff and with a stomach full of butterflies I head off to nowhere Alabama to "teach girls about Jesus." That is what I tell the beautiful children in my life that look at me with confused faces when I announce that I will not be back for two weeks...one month... three months. I patiently and painfully await for the day that I look in these children's beautiful eyes and say... "I will not be back for seven months." As of right now, tears fill my eyes.
Let me set this up... I am interning at camp this summer which means that one to two hours a day I run around the front office learning how to run a ministry. This is important for me because as I grow older God continues to lead me to ministry roles not at home...or perhaps not in the USA. I was running around halfway getting ready for the night-time activity and halfway babysitting the night-time director's daughter. The little girl's name is Avery, and I was trying to tell her to watch out for something. Quickly, as I shut a door I said, "watch out Embery." The night-time director looked back at me and said, "You called her Embery... her name is Avery. I guess you just did it out of habit." I smiled and agreed, but the moment stuck with me.
Let me set this up... I am interning at camp this summer which means that one to two hours a day I run around the front office learning how to run a ministry. This is important for me because as I grow older God continues to lead me to ministry roles not at home...or perhaps not in the USA. I was running around halfway getting ready for the night-time activity and halfway babysitting the night-time director's daughter. The little girl's name is Avery, and I was trying to tell her to watch out for something. Quickly, as I shut a door I said, "watch out Embery." The night-time director looked back at me and said, "You called her Embery... her name is Avery. I guess you just did it out of habit." I smiled and agreed, but the moment stuck with me.
I am such a leader here. I am given so many roles that I take on with gusto, and God in His mighty way gives me the ability to do great things even when I feel completely incapable. I am the "Jesus girl." I am the one that people come back early on their night's out so they can help with my showtimes (I teach TrashCan Band). I am the girl that gets people excited when I sign up for a campfire or counselor encouragment. I get so lonely here. I begin to wonder what people like Beth Moore and Loui Gigilo struggle with. I wonder if it is the same type of lonliness that I struggle with here? I am excited that God gets to use me in amazing ways, and I strive for the faith it takes to be willing to be used. Many times that faith falls short. I ask myself on many occassions, "if God said be single and be my missionary, could I do it?" I desire to have a home. I desire to have a family, but I long to follow the Lord in a passionate pursuit, and my "what if's" DESTROY my faith.
What if I never going to get married?
What if I never find a home?
What if I never get a family?
What if I fail?
What if I spend a lifetime "not feeling" anything because I am never around long enough to develop a relationship?
In Luke Jesus speaks with a man that desired to follow Him. Jesus answers with, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." (Luke 9:56-59). I have to believe that Jesus is enough. I have to continue to long for Him and continue to long to follow Him. Look at all that He has given me through my faithfullness, and I now in desperation I pray for mercy on my lonliness (a new kind of lonliness where people are not in short supply but nothing really feels concrete or safe). I pray for faith... a new thing for me. I still continue to pray for a husband... not that it would solve my problems, but it would be a much desired gift. I pray for courage, and strength. I am human, and I fail....so with a heavy heart I cry out, "Savior, Please keep saving me!"
I do not know if God is preparing me for third world or overseas missions, but I hope that I am like Ruth. Ruth followed with a full heart with little to no regard about what was assumed she was giving up to follow Naomi. I miss my friends. I miss my Kathryn and Tracy, and as silly as it sounds many times I miss my future husband. How can you miss someone you have never known? I miss my Embery bear, and I am tired of spending my life MISSING something or someone.
God is faithful.
Paula I read your blog, as did Mary and she had words of encouragement and well so do I. There is a loner in the "Trash can band" needing to feel welcome. There is a 3 year old needing a "Godly mom" in here life. There is a night time director needing to know her daughter is with someone "safe". There is a husband needing the support and encouragement of a proverbs 31 wife. Continue to lead there are people needing that. Be willing to follow it the mark of a great leader and people are watching. Your willingness to be a gift for others is not unnoticed. Enjoy the below passage of encouragement continue to press on toward the goal and doing for the least of "these".
ReplyDeleteMatthew 25 (The Message) The Sheep and the Goats
31-33"When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on his glorious throne. Then all the nations will be arranged before him and he will sort the people out, much as a shepherd sorts out sheep and goats, putting sheep to his right and goats to his left. Matthew 25 The Sheep and the Goats
31-33"When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on his glorious throne. Then all the nations will be arranged before him and he will sort the people out, much as a shepherd sorts out sheep and goats, putting sheep to his right and goats to his left.
34-36"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:
I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.'
37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'
41-43"Then he will turn to the 'goats,' the ones on his left, and say, 'Get out, worthless goats! You're good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—
I was hungry and you gave me no meal,
I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
I was homeless and you gave me no bed,
I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,
Sick and in prison, and you never visited.'
44"Then those 'goats' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn't help?'
45"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.'
46"Then those 'goats' will be herded to their eternal doom, but the 'sheep' to their eternal reward."