Coffee Shop Rambles...

"Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,

and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame many not be dislocated,

but rather be healed. Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord; looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God;

lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble,

and by this many become defiled; like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing,

he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance,

though he sought it diligently with tears." Hebrews 12:12-17

I have to hurry because I am going to eventually get kicked out of this coffee shop. Spending two hours is okay as long as you buy something other than a cup of coffee, and in the world we live in today, one cup of coffee = 30 minutes.

Drink it and Get OUT!!

Of course all of this could be in my imagination. Honestly, this very kind man could probably care less if I stayed all day. He probably wonders a little about my open Bible in front of me and my one cup of coffee long ago drank, but the reality is... he probably understands people like me. People who are not in a hurry to get anywhere. At least... I hope so. Forget the hurry, I ordered another coffee... and my dad is coming to see me... so maybe I can get this desperate second coffee paid for!!! :)

I have been praying a lot about the upcoming school year. Last year, school consumed every part of my life. I lost passion for everything, running, playing the guitar, drawing, and especially writing. By the end of the year last year, I didn't even know who I was or what I was doing, and my friends, family, and students began to feel the consequences of my lack of self awareness. I have used this summer to recall that information to find simply that I have changed a lot. I am not the girl that I used to be... I am coming into adulthood... and fighting like mad. Why do I fight?

Because what the world tells us adulthood looks like is a lie!!!

At least this is the conclusion that I have come to. I can not repeat another year like last year, so I have been wondering lately if teaching again is what I should do.... but to quit is to run away. Peace doesn't come from situation, it comes from inside. It comes from a daily choice to stop and recognize that there is a God who made you, and He loves you. It comes from a daily choice to stop and recognize grace for failure. The tv version of adulthood where you are constantly running from place to place making a better you is no cure for the wants and desires for humankind. It only ends up in a stressful life with constantly searching for another cure.

I was in a finacial fitness meeting for teachers the other day, and I left sick to my stomach to hear the teachers speak to me about their finances. Teachers who were making three times as much as me were complaining about not having enough money for anything including putting money into savings. My husband and I have been blessed a lot by the amount of money we having coming in, but honestly... we live with a daily choice to pursue peace in Christ or to pursue lives emptiness.

I am going back to teaching with the last bit of courage I could muster, and I am returning with the idea of pursuing peace... like what Hebrews teaches us.

Can I Get some Fries with that?

What I have learned thus far about Marriage....

Marriage is Beautiful....

Marriage should come with expectancy... not expectations.

Marriage is the combination of friends and family with God at the center...

Marriage is about spending a lifetime serving one another and bringing God glory.

Marriage is a Miracle...

Goals versus Purpose versus Desires versus....What??

One Fourth of July, I was sitting with a trusted person, who shall remain nameless, waiting for fireworks to begin. The Fourth of July has always been my most favorite holiday because it is the summers in my life that give me much rest. I would say that Fourth of July is probably my most favorite holiday... better than Christmas. Back to my story though. That paticular Fourth of July, the summer had not been very good, as a matter of fact, the whole year was probably the most difficult year I have ever spent on this earth, and in that moment, all I wanted was someone to tell me that they loved me just the way I was and that they were proud of me. I was headed to college at the University of Fayetteville on a full ride scholarship to be a journalist.


I cannot remember a time in my entire life (ENTIRE LIFE) where I thought that I was pretty enough consistently. Most of the time, I find something good about myself (small) and go with that. For example, I really like my feet. That Fourth of July, I watched as a whole bunch of teenage girls ran around in tank tops and short skirts. They flirted with boys, and laughed with their friends. There is nothing I wanted more in the entire world than to be them in that moment. Sadly, I remember even watching the way they stood and wondering how to master that stance. I was at a very low point in my life. This person, who was watching these girls as well, asked me if noticed what those girls were wearing. Embarrassed, I said no. This person then went on to tell me how cute these girls were and how I should dress more like that so I could be pretty too. Weakly, I admitted I wanted to look into getting a new wardrobe before I left for college. Then this person looked at me and said to forget it because I would have to lose a ton of weight before I could wear anything cute like that. Before I even could begin my grown-up life before me, I had become very aware of what my goals in life should be... be skinny, be cute, be successful, and never EVER be humbled! My former last name came with a lot of pride attached to it, and I was to never bring shame to that pride.

A lot of lies were pushed into my head at a very young age. Random people, society, and television were just the transports of those lies, but the lies came from Satan. I forget that sometimes when I want to go and start blaming people. The hardest lie to finally rid myself of though was the confusion of goals, desires, and purposes. For so long, I was told that our goals are physical visuals we place in front of us in order to accomplish and feel fulfilled. For example, a common goal is to graduate college. Another goal is to get a good job, and some people may even have the goal of getting married. We even teach our students about short term and long term goals::: STOP::: What if we missed the point?


What happens once you have accomplished a goal? Do you just make a new goal? And what happens after you accomplish that goal? Is life just one constant goal after another? And then comes the most difficult question, the question that puts me into sleepless nights and feelings of depth I could never explain with words. What happens when we do not accomplish our goals? What if we fail? What happens if I never get married, have children, or lose that twenty pounds so I can finally wear a tank top with cute shorts? In the last year, I have learned that setting physical goals is a very empty experience. Once you have accomplished that goal, you have to set a new one and try to accomplish that goal, and then it becomes like a drug..... You gotta have your fix!!! I accindently created a non-physical goal about six years ago, and today it is still my goal, but when I reach it, I know there will be no emptiness.

When I go before my Father in Heaven, all I want is Him to say... "Good Job my faithful servant."

This doesn't mean that I do not have desires, but the way I see it, desires are more short term, they can change, and when a desire doesn't come true, you don't seem like some sort of failure. You just find a new desire. Example, I desired to get married, and I desire to be a great mom, awesome writer, and go on crazy mission trips where I get to teach, serve, and help millions of people. For a long time, those desires have stayed the same, but honestly I have questioned a lot of those on many occassions.

So... I guess the last thing to be addressed is purpose. I haven't quite got this one figured out. I know that God calls us to Himself, not a paticular area of life, therefore my purpose is to bring glory to Him in every little thing I do, but I don't know... still trying to get it all straight.

A Hard Lesson in Fear

I love being a house wife!!! I know that my time as a house wife is very short lived, but I adore it nonetheless. I have no idea what women are complaining about when they have to become housewives. I got up this morning and dropped my husband off where he rides the van to work. I then came to my most favorite coffee shop EVER for a bite to eat and some serious internet time. As for the rest of the day, I am going to go grocery shopping, workout, maybe visit some friends, and take care of some business with rent, insurance, etc. We are also getting a new bed in our house for guests, so I am taking a Target gift card we got and am going to buy some bedding for the new bed, and I am highly considering buying some fabric to make napkins for our kitchen table. I need to clean house and do some laundry, and I am getting some great time to update my blog. I will go pick my husband up at 5:20, and the two of us will go home together, cook dinner together, and we both decided to call it an early night, so after dinner, a walk, and maybe a game of Scrabble, the two of us will tuck ourselves into bed... maybe. That is how I see the day going, but, of course, God's plans do not always end up like our plans.

Maybe that is another reason why I find my life as a housewife so appealing. Though I may decide on things I would or would not like to do for the day, there is no telling what God will actually accomplish as long as I leave myself open. My days are not planned out hour by hour. I think that is why teaching gets to me on occassion... EVERYTHING is always so planned out, but that isn't reality, and that definitely does not allow God to move. I wonder with amazement what my children are going to be like.

Okay, enough ADD. What I really wanted to write about today is fear. Each summer I go to a camp in Alabam called Skyline, and though I know Michael and I recently got married, we both decided that I needed to go back this summer. So, after being married only three short weeks, I packed my bags and went to camp for a month... or so I thought. The daytime director at camp put me in a mountain biking class, which I love, but this time I wasn't teaching the class, like I have done in the past, I was assisting. The assistant always rides in the back, and through my experience I learned a little something about the fear in my own life.

Mountain biking, in the back of the line, at Skyline is quite the experience. See, kids work so hard to peddle up a mountain, but when it comes to riding down the mountain and enjoying the freedom of their reward... the girls hit their breaks and just scoot down the hills at turtle speed. Once they were at the bottom of the hill, they peddled like crazy to get up the next hill. I explained to them countless times how it would benefit them just to ride down the hill without hitting their breaks, but their fear would get the best of them... needless to say, it was exhausting. Of course, God used this experience...

How often does fear in my own life show the same results of the mountain biker? Romans 8:15 calls fear BONDAGE! What a horrible vision... actually, from my own life, I cannot think of one time that fear of anything except for God produced anything good in my life. Please do not confuse fear with wisdom. It is not wise for a young girl to go running in the middle of the night, learned that lesson, but fear is something else entirely.

However, fear is natural. I had a young child in horseback riding that was on a horse who got spooked. The horse jumped and startled the child, of course. The next day, the child was on a new horse. She was in tears before the end of class because she was so afraid. My advice to her, I understand that you are afraid, but you do not have time to fear because right now you have to focus and fear takes your mind off of focusing. Again, an awesome lesson from God. Fear is natural, but when we let that fear control our thoughts and actions, we take our eyes away from God.

So, I was only at camp three days when God told me to go back home... I have no idea as to why, but I obeyed because doing anything else then obeying would be dumb! I told my camp director, who was very understanding, and I told my husband who wanted to make sure he wasn't the reason, and he wasn't. The cool thing about all of this is though, I got to live two weeks without fear and without holding anything back. I talked to children about Christ, I talked to counselors that intimidated me, I did the best I could do in everything because I knew I was coming home. I learned what could be accomplished without fear, and I amazed by that. Now, I am home, and my husband and I are trying to live without fear. My husband is officially taking some amazing steps in courage, and I couldn't be happier. And as for me... I am just trying to stay open on why God has me home so early. I have four weeks of nothingness until I have to report back to the real world of careers.

I pray for all my friends who decide to take steps in courage... whether that means going forward or going backwards!