Happy Advent

 Happy first day of Advent everyone!  I am so excited about the Advent season finally starting (it feels like I have been waiting forever on December 1st to get here).  Two reasons I am excited... Numero 1: This is the first time I have ever celebrated Advent.  Numero 2:  Since we are not doing treats but activities instead, it is like my husband and I have 25 dates planned for the next 25 days, and I love dates with my husband!  To celebrate Advent I prayed for days for God to show me how to make an Advent calendar.  My sister in law is so creative!  She made these beautiful little boxes out of Christmas cards last year.  They were adorable, and after stalking pinterest and google... I came up with this.  I adore our little Advent calendar.

 Today is the first day! 
 What do we do on the first day?  We go on a fun Christmas trip.  In an hour we will be loading up the car and headed to Silver Dollar City to see the lights.  Last year, Michael and I went to Hot Springs to see the lights at Garvin Gardens.  This year, we are getting to take a whole slew of Beans.  All of my nieces and my brother and sister-in-law are coming with us! 



The third reason I am really, really, really excited is that each day there is a verse that is going to lead our family through the gospel.  Today's first is John 1:1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

 

 

Such powerful verses in such a time of need!  I get so frustrated with our world sometimes, but He has overcome the darkness... we will overcome the darkness! 

 The last thing on our Advent Calendar is this ornament.  This is just a little cheap thing I found at Hobby Lobby (GO HOBBY LOBBY), but I adore it already.  We will put it on our tree first thing Christmas morning and then read and discuss the Christmas story.  A whole month of celebration awaits!

The two stockings and the sign have nothing to do withe Advent, but I just had to share.  My wonderful sister-in-law and I worked all day long to make these stockings.  They are lined burlap, and we actually MADE them.  I mean I went to the store to buy fabric, we got out the sewing machine, and we made them.  I like them, but I may be sticking to buying items that need to be sewn in the future.  I still have scars.. ;)  In addition to these stockings.. I had to share my little sign.  I love this little sign.  It brings a smile to my face everytime, and it happily greets visitors. 

HAPPY ADVENT! 

Christmas Ornaments

 Christmas season is almost here, and we are getting ready for it at the Bean house.  Monday night, I hosted a Clep test prep for my students and some that are not my students but needed the practice.  When I got there, one of my beautiful students presented me this ornament.  It is precious to me.  Almost a year ago, I asked Michael for a camera, and he said to wait.  Almost a year ago I began praying, and now here we are on the go constantly capturing God's moments.  I am know begging Michael to learn how to shoot so that he can be my second shooter.  Every life changing moment or trip that Michael and I experience, we buy a Christmas ornament.  Sometimes ornaments are no where to be found, so we end up getting a key chain, and yes, the key chain goes on the tree.  Anyway, I would like to share some of our new ornaments this year.  My ornaments are so special to me! 

Some friends gave us a weekend get away trip last Christmas, and nothing work out on the trip.  By the end of the night, Michael and I were just laughing.  It rained on us, and we walked into this hotel dripping wet where everyone else was wearing ball gowns.  We got spoiled ice cream from Sonic and finally made a taco bell run when all else failed.  We did get to see some beautiful Christmas lights.  It was such a wonderful weekend despite all that happened because it was one of THOSE weekend trips.  I loved it!!  I love when things do not go according to plan.

 This is the ornament I picked up from San Fransico when I attended my Not For Sale Fight Against Human Trafficking Investigator Academy.  I went to Pier 39 to play tourist.  I had such a lovely time in the city, and I am so thankful for the things I learned there and how God has opened up doors.  This ornament constantly reminds me that my dear husband will always let me chase the things God has created.  What a wonderful husband and God I have!

 Last year, Michael and I got the chance to work with an organization in Atlanta fighting trafficking and the sex industry.  We spent our Christmas going in and out of brothels and strip clubs!  I am just amazed at the adventures God has given us!!  Michael was of course the hit of the show... he carried twice as many food boxes as most people and he was so protective of the team when we went into the brothels!  We picked this ornament up after going to Birmingham to spend Christmas Eve at David Platt's church.

 This is not only an ornament but a reminder of the sweet baby we lost earlier this fall.  I guess, it is actually a reminder of both of our sweet babies that wait for us in heaven.  We keep this out all year long, but it is nice to be able to hang this on the tree.  This brings tears to my eyes still.  I miss my children, but I know that they are in good hands.  They are playing and walking with the King!  I am blessed to know that they are well taken care of.

Picked up in the airport on my way back from San Fransico.  I went to Colorado a long time ago but forgot to get an ornament, so this was on the top of the to do list.  However, this also serves as a reminder of the time I spent in the airport alone!  I was so scared and my God gave me courage and strength, and my husband gave me encouragement!

My dad got married this past year.  His wife is very considerate of Michael and I.  The past few years, we have spend the day after Thanksgiving with my dad.  This year, his wife made me a special Paleo Pumpkin Pie.  I was very grateful.  She got Michael this ornament shortly before her and my dad got married.  She has been so good for my dad.




So what Christmas traditions do you have in your home?

I am Weak.

My weakness: Ice Cream and Mac and Cheese... speaking of which, I may have to make some Mac and Cheese before finishing this post....Okay, boiling water is a go. My husband went to bed tonight without me because I was given strict instructions to stop my life and blog (thank you Lord for a Mr. Steady/Command Man). So anyway, for your viewing pleasure I have inserted a few pictures from Thanksgiving.

I have been planning a blog in my head for some time now. Planning... I am really good at planning.. too bad that my follow through is somewhat lacking. Anyway, I have been planning this blog all about how I cooked these Paleo friendly Thanksgiving meals and how delicious they were, but honestly, I feel like tonight I just need to share how much of a failure I am. I am so not perfect. I get angry too easily, I double book myself all the time, and I am kind of a flake. I hate this qualities within myself like no other. They are the laziness, the fear, and the pride sneaking up to kill who I am, but nights like tonight... I just have to stop and figure out who am I at the center. Like an onion... sometimes you just have to peel away all that the world has heaped on so that you can come back to an understanding of who you are in Christ. That last sentence made it sound like you could do something, but really... God has done it all on the cross. That is why the cross is so vital to the Christian. Everything debt was paid on that cross, and I hang dearly to the cross for life and hope. I love that cross. It is the cross I bear because it is the only hope that I have. The cross is enough. The cross is where Jesus said it was finished, and I am so thankful that no matter how much of a failure I am, I can still kneal at the cross and hear the words "I took care of that."

 

I know my pictures have nothing to do with my post, but I couldn't leave out the cool Paleo dishes. I found most of these at Paleo OMG (it is basically the best website ever when it comes to Paleo). Anyways, back to the cross. When we were in college, we took this fun test to see what disciple we were most like. I got Peter (we were not surprised). Why Peter? Because I have way too much pride, arrogance, fear, and I speak way too often before thinking. I have hurt many people because of my simple minded words. I can totally relate to Peter. Maybe I have never denied Christ in word, but I am sure my actions have denied Him more than I care to recall. How embarrasing is it to call a friend and apologize for speaking or acting before thinking? In Luke 5:8, Peter realized that Jesus was in fact Christ. He fell down and told Jesus to leave his presence for Peter knew that he was a sinner. Oh My... can I relate!

So yeah... I did good at Thanksgiving, but I hit a low point a couple of days after and definitely went on a carb binge today, and I am sure I will pay for it later. I want to be a good person so badly it makes me sick. I really want to answer every phone call and text message I get. I want to have self control when it comes to food. I want to remember to write my friends. I want to sit up late at night and pray for friends and family that are hurting, but I fail. Thank God there is the cross.. Thank God there is tomorrow.

 My husband killing a tree stump.

 Thanksgiving Cookies and Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

 Getting ready for the hayride!

It is Christmas at the Bean House.

Struggling to find Love

Do you ever get tired of talking?  Do you ever get tired of trying to do the very best you can do?  Do you ever get tired of encountering people who have one desire and that is to shut you down?  As the political season escalates, I have become more and more discouraged with our American lifestyle.  I wonder why we have so many missionaries heading for other countries and not hanging around in America... maybe it is become Americans (in general) have become so hardened by the Word of God?  Our hearts are no longer focused on selfless love.  Life is about using all the time you have to please yourself.  The word sacrafice is quickly dissapearing, and we no longer reach out to our brother and sister in love and peace.  The best and worst thing about reading articles on-line is that people can comment.  I get a better idea of where we are at as a country by reading the comments.  For example, two people may be discussing difference in political ideas, but instead of discussing what is better for a country, the discussion can quickly turn into a conversation of hatred by throwing verbal abuse back and forth.  These people may not seem very intelligent, but these people are normal. 

Ugh!  So many random words, and I still feel like I haven't gotten out my point!  I was reading an article about the new HPV vaccine.  The government now recommends having teenage girls betweent he ages of 12-16 (or something like that ) get this vaccine because the idea is that basically all girls between these ages will become sexually active even if that doesn't include direct intercourse.  Now apparently some religious group decided that this vaccine would actually cause girls to become more sexually active, so a bunch of researchers got together to prove that the vaccine did not cause girls to increase or decrease their sexual activity.  The comments on this article are fun.  Most of them are about how this stupid religious group should be ashamed of ordering this study (which if I read this correctly the group did not order the testing). 

Anyways, they go on and on about how the vaccine is so good, and then one woman posts about how she has taught her daughter why it is important to wait to have sex until marriage, but when her daughter was 16 she had her daughter take the vaccine for extra protection.  I guess you would call this absence plus education (which by the way everyone was commenting about how absence plus was the correct way to teach children about sex).  The next comment was directed at this mother.  It told her that more than likely her daughter was having sex by the age of 12 because most girls are having sex by that age and she was a horrible mother for not getting her daughter vaccine before 16.  The comment went on to say that if the government tells us to do something it is for our safety and it is good to just do it especially when our freedoms become a hazard to our safety. 

I wanted to cry.  Another dad posted something about teaching his daughter morals, and the comment in reply to him was simply, you are not a moral person and you have not taught your daughter anything to give her any moral background.  If you are using that book of Bible stories as your basis for morals then you are teaching a bunch of lies. 

OH YES!  That is right... whatever the government feeds us must be fact, but anything else is a book of lies.  Where do I get my plane ticket out?

All that is a little harsh.  I love America.  I love my soldiers.  I love my state and my freedoms.  I do lose hope.  Don't get me wrong, I do not think God has pulled His hand away from America or His people, but I do get so frustrated.  The church is told to speak out in love.  LOVE is the only way to fight or win any battle.  It is the only thing that will defeat the enemy.  Education, money, and giftings are all great, but according to the song, "If I don't have love, then I am bankrupt." 

You know what though.. it is hard to love.  It is hard to continue loving when someone throws everything you have ever believed or hope for back into your face.  It is hard when you are faced daily with lies that contradict what you know to be the truth.  Our kids our fed this daily, and so are we.  We love and love and love and then someone tells us we are bad parents, liars, manipulators, etc. and so forth.  So what does the church do?  We grow hard against the world.  We begin holding riots and picketing without a single ounce of love in our hearts.  We decide to fight hatred with hatred.  UGH! 

I am split.  I know that I must continue to love, but I get so angry.  I ask God all the time, why do I have to love that person?  Why did you allow me to invest time in that person to have it thrown back at me?  Why am I so open for attacks?  I think about buying a little house with a nice little fence, two sweet little cars, and working to buy nice things and raise two children (because anymore would just be ridiculous).  I smile about how safe that sounds.  Then reality comes in, and I realize that no matter what, as a believer, I am not safe... not from the world anyways.  Jesus said there would be trouble.  So, I get over my little dream, have my pity party, and keep moving.  I keep trying to love, and failing miserably, and asking God to pick me back up.  I keep falling into self-absorbed world and struggling again.  I ask God to give me the wisdom to determine an outright lie to an half-truth to truth. 



And life goes on.    

Alex Ezekial Bean

     One of the most amazing things about being the wife of Michael T. Bean is that he lets me deal with things the way that I need to deal with them.  He lets me express my pain and grief the best way I know how, and sometimes that looks really messy.  Sometimes it involves crying, eating, starving, running, and here recently... cleaning.  Sometimes it involves diving into the Word of God to see what He says about everything, and sometimes it deals with diving into my work.  My husband holds my hand through the crazy train, and when it is all said and done, I walk out of situations feeling bolder and encouraged.  Michael kindly presents truth without pushing it into my face. 


I started a post about a week ago titled "The Line between Dying and Living."  It was basically a rant about how if this baby were out of my womb and ended up dead, people (in general) would have been more considerate.  Honestly, though, we have had lots of love from all sorts of people, and there is hope where there is tragedy.  I am blessed by the flowers that sit on my table and other items of love we were given from people. I am so thankful for the love that was heaped upon us. 


If you ask Michael and I how we are doing, we will tell you good.  That is what people have been trained to say right?  We ask these questions, and we say these things because being "real" with people is scary.  The mixture of emotions in my head is way too complex to explain to people in short surface level conversations.  This was the second baby that we have lost.  The second baby now dead.  The second baby without a grave, and honestly, I think I may have grieved more with the first.  I almost expected this one to end like this.  Does that make me a person of little faith?  Perhaps.

Michael didn't think this one was gonna end.  From day one, he knew that he were going to get to keep this one.  He believed we were going to hold this baby.  He is not a person of little faith. 

Friday night, I shot a gala.  Later, we went to my brother and sister-in-laws house to watch a movie.  We talked and laughed late into the night, and before we went home I had to run to the bathroom.  I had finally got to the point in my pregnancy where I stopped checking for blood when I went to the restroom.  When I saw the blood... I thought I was living a dream.  This couldn't be real... not this time.  The doctor said my numbers looked good, and we saw the baby.  Why was I bleeding?  This is not normal... this is not okay.  I called my husband into the bathroom, and the look of horror on his face sent me into tears.  This was it... our baby was dead. 

When you are considered "high risk" like me, the doctor's really do not want to give you hope that your baby is going to make it the whole nine months.  Early in your pregnancy they tell you what to expect when you miscarry.  They call the process passing.  I hate... HATE the word miscarriage.  It is a mask that pro-choice America labeled a dying baby because the reality is too hard to handle.  I wonder about my own stance on pro-life and pro-choice debates.  I am a big pro-life supporter, but why am I so pro-life?  Is it because I believe that the child in the womb is in fact a baby, or is it because I know that soon the baby will be born and then it will be a child with a great future?

Saturday morning I woke up thinking the whole thing was a bad dream.  I even looked up information about bleeding during pregnancy.  The blood had definitely slowed down, and I thought, perhaps, our baby was still alive.  Around 2:30pm the "passing process" began.  Did you know that when your baby dies (even at six weeks) you still have to deliver the baby?  That is what they mean when they say miscarriage cramps and passing.  You have contractions, and you have to deliver the baby.  I would say around 7ish, we delivered our baby.  Though I feel like I grieved more with the last pregnancy, this pregnancy has left a scar on my heart I can't seem to get over.  A traumatic event that has got me terrified of answering the question, "how are you doing?"  There are so many events that have happened that has me wondering if I was a good mother.  I saw a picture of a six week old baby, and I wanted to throw up.  My baby didn't get a grave.  My poor little baby was given the same funeral we would give a yucky bug that we just killed.  The guilt and shame on my heart because of this one thing is the thing that keeps me up at night.  I think about the day I see my baby again.  I want to apologize to him. 

God is here.  He hasn't left me, and He is still good.  The worst words right now are that God is in control.  These words are incomplete and just leave me bitter.  God is in control... I know that!  I just struggle with the idea that God is still good.  My head knows that God is good... all the time.  My heart is just struggling with believing. That Saturday, three things happened.  I fell more in love with my husband.  My dear, sweet husband didn't get a moment rest.  By 5:30pm, I was in so much pain I couldn't move.  He held my hand and texted back and forth with my mother-in-law.  By 6:00pm, I was in a hot bath and starving.  My husband had to make dinner and run back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom.  He never once threw in the towel.  He kept telling himself, "Right now, I focus on Paula... the rest will come."  The next thing that happened is something that will haunt me for awhile still.  The last thing that happened was a decision that my husband has sworn to help me with.  My disease is killing my children... so I must kill my disease. 


So how are we doing...really... good.  I am terrified about going back to church, but I know that I am going to have to go back sometime.  I have started getting rid of everything in our house that isn't useful.  We have too much stuff, and I need life to be simple right now.  We don't cry all the time.  We even have days where we do not cry at all.  I do not answer my phone all the time because I am an emotional mess right now, so I am trying to take my time with people.  I am recovering physically.  I still have to work, but I am thankful to not have a full time job right now.  Yes, there is still a God, and yes, He still is good.  I know that He has a huge purpose for us, and I honestly believe that the next child... we will get to keep and hold.  I really do think that we will bounce back more quickly this time.  However, there will always be the scar.       


Alex Ezekial Bean:  Alex means protector of men, and Ezekial with an A means God give me strength.  If he had been allowed to walk this Earth, he would have been a powerful force for the kingdom, but since God decided (for whatever reason) to take him early.  We must stand for him. 
   

She's Dead, Michael

     I finally got sick last night, but it wasn't because of the life growing inside of me.  It was because of the life of a wonderful, beautiful, and funny... oh so funny... 15-year-old that decided she had no desire to remain living on Tuesday night and took her own life.  A wonderful 15-year-old that at one point in her life sat under my leadership as a student, and then when her father became Michael's electrical teacher, I ran into her at least half a dozen other times in the last year. 
  
    I can't seem to wrap my mind around this.  I heard on Tuesday that a child (sophomore) had ended her life.  I quickly did the math in my head.  I taught 7th grade when I taught in that particular school district.  Would those children be sophomores yet... nope, they would be in the 9th grade.  I did my math wrong, though.  My kiddos were in fact entering their sophomore year, and two days after attending, they lost one of their own.  Apparently, it was a case of bullying.  A beautiful child that God created possibly hung out with the wrong people too much or wore different clothing.  Maybe she had gotten a reputation for something else, but either way this reputation spread rampant through the school and in the last two years apparently, the words had become enough! 

Enough.  By the end of last night, I cried behind the wheel of my car begging God for one more chance to talk to her, one more chance to hold her and tell her that God made her beautiful.  One more chance to put truth and life out there in front of her.  Granted, the same outcome may have occurred, but I remember so clearly being her teacher.  I was self-absorbed and convinced that God wanted me in another country like Africa. I didn't belong in America... there is no mission field in America.  The other half of dozen times I saw her, why didn't I just go talk with her.  Ask her about school, giggle about boys.  I stopped teaching in the public school because I felt that I was too limited.  I was eventually going to get in trouble for sharing my beliefs... it was just a matter of time.  However, it seems as if my fears and insecurity can limit me more than any American government or public school.  Time to face the truth.  I am not limited by any law the American government sets... I am limited by my own self-absorption. 

This has happened before.  Not too long ago, I had a friend die.  I had a moment before the death of this friend to share the good news of freedom through Christ.  I didn't do it.  I was too afraid of what this friend would think.  I never spoke to that friend again. 

In the Best Buy parking lot last night, that is the only conclusion I could come up with.  I looked my husband in the eye with the simple statement, "She is dead, Michael."  She is dead, gone, and the grief her parents are going to hold will be the most difficult thing they have ever faced.  The grief and guilt that enters her school is going to be extreme.  What if, she had just one adult... just one that she felt that she could call that night.  Just one teacher who may have decided to break the rules and give her their phone number or one used to be teacher that had a half dozen of chances to speak truth into her life.  What if there was one adult willing to say, "Okay, I am here to be the light, and it is okay for you to intrude into my life a little." 

I think about the young people of the world.  I wish, I could take every single one of them that was hurting and welcome them into our home and life, but the reality is... I can't.  God told us to take care of the poor, widows, orphans, and to raise the children to be men and women who love Him. 

We all have those stories right?  I knew the Holy Spirit was opening a door for ministry, but I was too (insert word here) to help.  I walked by knowingly missing the chance. 

I firmly believe that God is love, and I don't think the church should tolerate sin, but I am so angry that we treat sinners as outcasts.  I don't think the church should tolerate sin because sin is a bondage maker.  It traps people into living lives and believing lies that lead to death.  We are called to love, and we cannot quietly stand and let generations fall to the slavery of sin.  That is not love, but we can't teach our children to outcast them... talk poorly about them.  What if their skirt is too short or different from you... why does it matter?!?!  Why do we allow that to be an issue?  Maybe they do not attend church regularly.  Maybe they have the worst reputation in the world.  Why do we hide from them?  I'm sorry, you screwed your life up really early, so I don't want to be around you anymore.  I don't care if you are only 12, you are a bad influence. 

Then there is the other extreme right?  We don't care what your problem is, come to church, listen to some good music, play some games and see your friends!  At the end of the night, we are going to send you home just as empty and dead as you were when you got here, but you will have some fun for those two hours.  Don't worry about your sin.  We are going to accept you no matter what you are currently doing, and I promise, we will not pick out your sin because we are a no judging church.  We promise to never teach you truth or get too involved with your life. 

I miss this little girl, and I honestly barely knew her.  She was a good student, and from the outside looking in, she appeared to be fine. 

1 John 4:12
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

There is a Baby in my tummy

There is a baby in my tummy.  At least that is what the doctors and eight or so pregnancy tests I have taken say.  I have to be honest, I don't really "feel" pregnant right now.  I do however feel tired and so bloated (maybe tmi), so maybe I am starting to feel pregnant.  I thought it would feel different than this, though. 

     We are somewhere between four and five weeks (probably closer to five weeks now).  We found out last Monday, and we really did not feel the need to wait and tell people.  The doctor confirmed what the tests showed, and we are patiently waiting on our first ultrasound appointment so that we may be able to see this little miracle. 

    I had become so at peace with not being pregnant.  I had come to the realization that our last miscarriage was a blessing and now an important part of our testimony that we can share with people to encourage.  I was focused on getting my body healthy so that when he had a baby, it would have a safe place to grow.  I actually remember telling my sister-in-law Sunday that I had come to a place where I wanted to focus on getting healthy and it didn't matter that we had not conceived again. 

    I guess the joke is on me.  I wanted to start a juice fast/cleanse last Monday, but before beginning I thought I may take a pregnancy test (we had a couple laying around the house).  I spotted on Saturday and thought my cycle was starting, but after a few spots the bleeding stopped.  **shrugs**  I was so frustrated and just wanted to know what was wrong with me, so I guess that feeling is what made me take the test. 

   The first test was clearly positive.  I didn't call Michael, I didn't freak out, and I didn't even get really excited.  I remember thinking, "Okay... let's try this again."  After waiting about an hour, I tried again, and again the test was positive.  I called my sister-in-law.  I informed her that I was holding two positive pregnancy tests.  I could tell that she wanted to be excited; I wanted to feel that rush of excitement as well, but honestly... I just felt nervous.  I questioned a bit on whether or not to tell my husband yet.  I knew another miscarriage would be hard on both of us, and the apprehensive feelings would not just go away.  However, I wanted to have hope.  I wanted hope to flood through our home and hearts.  I wanted this to be a cause of celebration.  Michael came home for lunch, and I told him.  He was so excited, and my heart was broken for my own selfish tendencies of fear.  

    We went to the doctor on Monday, and they did an ultrasound, but it was too early to tell anything.  They took some blood and called on Tuesday to confirm that I was in fact pregnant.  My HcG was a 63 and my progesterone was at a 9.6.  I was having some slight cramps (possibly due to the low progesterone and possibly due to the fact that cramps are fairly normal.)  They brought me back into the doctor Wednesday, and took blood again.  My HcG had risen to 157, but my progesterone had fell to 9.3.  They went ahead and put me on a progesterone supplement.  I have some chest tenderness that will not go away, but the cramps are gone and really the only nausea I am feeling is when I am not getting enough food in my body (which has become a whole other issue that I will be discussing in living with PCOS). 

    I think having children is a funny thing.  Michael and I were up late the other night discussing children and how we just really get to borrow them for a little while.  It is like God entrusts us with a child so that we can teach that child the ways of the Lord.  Right now, even while that child is in my womb, we pray with the child and we begin the process of teaching it about who the Lord is and His service.  My hope and prayer is that our children will see the love of Christ and the desire for His people to know Him more all through our family.  My hope is that they will not feel like they will have to get a good job or go to college, but that they will live a life dedicated to serving the Kingdom.  Michael and I have already dedicated the life of this child to the Lord.  We will raise this child up in His ways.  Maybe one day we will get to hold this child and kiss it's face and mend it's broken heart or broken bones.  However, maybe we will only get to experience the child while it is in the womb, and before it comes out, God will take it home.  I guess it is about letting go and letting God.  He knows. 

From what I read, it is normal to be very apprehensive after miscarraige, and it is very normal not to really "feel" pregnant at five weeks.  Each day we are allowed to keep this child, we will love this child.

     

"Please Sir, I want some More"

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

Proverbs 14:30

   How does a person get pregnant?  When I was young, a nonbeliever, and very naive I would say something like, "You have sex out of wed-lock, and then you get pregnant.  Getting pregnant out of wed-lock is the ultimate sin." 

    **Rolls Eyes** 

   This may be a stupid question to you, but to me... it is a sincere thought.  Is it kinda like when I was single and people used to tell me, "Oh... it is when you get comfortable with your singleness and you do not want to be married anymore.  Then God sends in your true love."  Again, another ridiculous statement said most of the time by women who are married, but I believed it enough that I used to stay up late at night telling God over and over again, "Okay, I am comfortable with my singleness.  I don't want to be married God.  God do you hear me?!  I said I am fine the way I am, and I never want a boyfriend or a husband."  This (by the way) never got me a husband.  God did bring a husband to me, and it was definitely all God, but oddly enough it came when I finally said, "God, I do want to be a wife, and I do want to be a girlfriend, and I am not okay with being single, but I will wait on you, and while I am waiting I will continue to bring You glory." 

   So now I am married, and after more than a year of marriage and no baby to stay up late at night and rock, I am at it again.  Another question, and desperately searching for answers from anyone with a story "like" mine.  It is almost humorous... well, it is humorous.  This research has me shooting a tablespoon of coconut oil, taking six pills of thyroid aid, and praying all the time for answers on how to "cure" my inability to bear children.  Today, I had to call the doctor (again) and I fought to hold back tears (again), and I heard the same words on the other end of the line "Take a pregnancy test and call back." (again), and once again a negative line, some hard tears, and a coming back to Jesus moment simply asking, "Now what?" 

     I say all of that to say this... I feel like God grew me up today.  I used to talk about wanting a simple life, but then when I started looking up the verses about living a simple life, I never found any that talked about having a simple life as a good thing.  It was actually quite the opposite.  However, I did find many verses that discussed pursuing peace.  Peace: like when Jesus walked out in the middle of the storm peace.  Like when Peter got out of the boat peace... like when... WHAT?!  Peter got out of the boat, oh no!  Lost control, sink!

       I desire godly peace in my life, in whatever ministry or job God brings me to, and in my home.  I have been very unpeaceful lately all because of selfish desires.  Maybe two weeks ago I was stomping around the house because summer is almost over and I feel like I haven't got to go on any adventures!  How dare I let summer go by and not do anything fun!  I got a rude wake up call when God kindly reminded me that I have in fact been all over the United States this summer, I picked up a new photography job as well as a new teaching job, I got an ice cream maker, and I have hiked in new chacos while drinking from a new filtered camelback.  Oops... did I say that I haven't got to do anything fun?

       Envy... envy robs of joy.  It robs of peace.  It robs you from hearing God's voice.  The desire to be somewhere different, to be someone else, or to even have something you feel like God is purposefully denying you takes the peace that God told us to pursue and it shoves into a tight little box until you feel like you are going to explode.  God takes us on adventures when we give our life to Him.  It is a guarantee!  He puts hopes and dreams into our head when we are patiently listening to His voice and reading His Word.  When we begin to pursue those dreams, He opens all of the doors... we simply just step through them.  There is the adventure!  However, we as humans, are always turning around and simply stating, "but I want more."

I want more adventure.

I want more time in the woods.

I want more time in the water.

I want more money.

I want more people to attend my church.

I want more of a ministry.

I want more children.

I want more camera equipment.

I want more tools.

                         Having dreams and desires are not BAD.  I know that God knows me better than anyone including myself, so He knows that I want children, a ranch, a photography business, etc.  But when I start looking at all the things that He has not given me, I forget to be grateful for all the things that I am holding in the moment. 

      I lose peace.  I lose joy.  I lose trust.  I lose comfort.

In the end... I lose.

     Now, I'm not saying be lazy.  There is no waiting at home for Mr. Right to come walking through your door (no matter how many times you tell God you don't want a boyfriend), but don't be crazy. 

 Be still and know that He is God (not you, or the coconut oil).

   Know that He stilled the wind and all was calm.  (Not me...Panic mode!) 

Be still.

Be still.

Be still.

And when He says, "Okay, this is next."  Do not hesitate... GO! 

Obedience precedes joy.

    I spent much of my young adult life searching for the next best thing.  Not all of my wanderings were selfish, but I spent much of that searching coming up with plans that were not of God.  I wasted time wanting the more and not enjoying the moment of peace that God was giving me, and you know what... looking back, there are times that I miss those times, and I think "why didn't I take advantage of what God was trying to give me in the moment?"  Cause the reality is, I'm still young, and when you have children, they are yours for life.  So maybe God is saying, "Hey you!  Stop.  Be still.  Do what I have you to do, and children will come when the come.  Quit stressing... you will get back in the woods soon, and there are more adventures waiting, but for right now...  I need you to clean your husband's socks.  I need to you love on those children so that they do not grow old not knowing love.  I need you to witness to your neighbor and send cookies to the girls down the street. This is what I have for you.  So do what I say and have peace.  I am giving you peace in the chaos.  Take it, cause you don't want to miss what I've got planned for you."

   I like the feeling of being healthy, and I think organic food tastes like 8,000 times better than anything else in the world.  I like taking my thyroid aid, and I may even try metformin again, but the reality is, God is the creator of life, and when He is ready... I will hold a life in my arms that looks a lot like a Bean.  (And it will probably be a girl). 

 

Learning and Living Grace

     My husband is at the Batman marathon. **Rolls Eyes**  I married the one of the biggest nerds in the world.  I say one of because I know for a fact that my husband is at this marathon with several guy friends.  I have this unnatural addiction to popping the pimples on my husband's back.  Gross to admit, but it makes for entertaining story.  He hates it when I attack him with my pimple popping crazies.  Today he got revenge with a dirty sock shoved into my face.  We wrestled to the ground in a frenzie!  Me trying to fight away the sock, and him trying to not let me fall on the floor but at the same time trying to not let me get away with the horrible pimple popping that just occurred.  Maybe that is way too much TMI into our marriage.  My sister-in-law, her husband, and three small children were at our house the other day.  The three girls were playing happily and then decided to start wrestling.  My oldest niece had my middle niece on the ground.  Their father watched in bewilderment as they wrestled wondering where they learned such behavior.  I would say not from us, but then I would be lying...  Oh Well! 

There are so many things I love about our marriage, but one of the most important things is our attempt to show grace to one another.  For example, the other night, my husband worked all day long.  I complained a few times about his work schedule, and when he came home, he had two dozen roses in his hands.  I definitely did not DESERVE those roses.  I definitely had not done anything to gain those roses.  They came free of charge from a man who just wants to love a screw-up like me. 


   My disease, my struggles, my past have a way of dictating the way I see the grace of God.  I monitor my eating habits, I flee from temptation, and I choke down seven different herbal vitamins a day in order to be healthy and hopefully one day carry a child to term.  In all my doing I feel like I get an attitude where I can also earn God's love, God's forgiveness, or even God's miracles (like life itself: either my own or the future one that He will place inside of me).  But like the roses, I did nothing to deserve His love, His miracles, or even His forgiveness.  I cannot do enough good to be good enough for Him.  That is why there is Jesus.  Someone had to make up the difference. 


     How often I forget that, though.  I watched a sermon by Louie Gigilo tonight.  He talked about the time when the woman was almost stoned.  The religious leaders asked Jesus what they should do, and Jesus simply responded "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."  All the leaders left until only Jesus and the woman remained.  I didn't think about it until tonight though, but Jesus was without sin.  He could have stoned the woman to death, but He didn't.  He let her go.  He didn't convict her, and sent her away with instruction to change her lifestyle.  She did nothing to deserve His grace.  He freely gave it knowing that soon He would be on the cross choosing death so that we can receive the righteousness of Christ.
This is not a new concept for me.  I have heard the story of grace, and I understand that I cannot do anything for the Lord's love.  I understand that he is NOT counting my wrongs against me, but that He is loving, teaching, and molding me into something better.  However, how quick I am to write people off when I feel that their lifestyle is not deserving of my attention.  I do not think the church should tolerate sin.  There is biblical truth in church discipline.  However, relationships (true relationships) take grace.  It takes saying, I know that you messed up, and I know that you don't deserve my love, but I am gonna give it to you anyways because I just want to love you.  We do not live in that kind of society, and sadly the church is starting to look more and more like the world.  Saying your sorry is probably one of the most if not the most difficult thing in the world.  What if everytime I had to apologize to my husband, he just rolled his eyes?  What if he continued to hold my wrong over my head and made me earn his love back with deeds?  What if my husband never gave up of himself just so that he could love me?  What pain my heart would feel. 


                    What if everytime someone said, "Okay, I give up.  I can't run anymore. I'm sorry."

             We just opened our arms and said "Welcome Home!  Let the party begin... you came home."

Cause the Salsa Needs Canning

    I have had the title of this post in my mind for a long time.  I have been very lazy with writing lately, and there is no excuse for my laziness.  Writing is a very powerful tool in my life, and to deny the Holy Spirit's gift because of laziness is a shame.  As many of you know, at least those of you in blog world that take your sweet time to read my updates (which by the way, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to read the words God has given me), my husband and I have began a journey into a world of ministry.  We are very dedicated to proclaiming freedom around the world starting in our own community.  These past few years have brought many life changing events ending with me on a plane to San Fransisco to become trained in investigation and reporting for cases of slavery in my own community.  I was trained, and after being home for only a few days, I was asked to be involved with a Human Trafficking Awareness Summit held at the state capital. 

   Amazed by the new updates in the law, I was excited to be asked to be involved with such a wonderful adventure, so I embarked on what I now kindly refer to as "little black dress" ministry.  This type of ministry includes putting on your best clothes and playing "important" with big name law officials.  Sorta like when we were children and played house.  You knew inside that you did not belong in this type of world (at least not yet), but you welcomed the chance to play. 

   It didn't take long for me to realize, though, that I did not belong in this world (at least not yet).  I left at the morning break because I had a house to clean, people to visit, and salsa to can. 

    Time is precious.  It is the most precious gift you can give someone, and it is a fleeting part of our lives.  Our time is different than a store bought gift because once you have given your time, it can never be returned.  I must never be selfish with my time, or deny time to a person that God has told me to give because it doesn't fit into my schedule.  Sometimes the people that God tells us to spend time with isn't logical.  My home and family must be a major part of my time (the most important), but home and family can also consume every second of my time becoming more of a distraction.  My time is too precious to be spent on chasing ideas and dreams that I cannot see God's hand holding together, and like I trust my money, love, and life to God, my time also, must be daily given to Him.  Time spent must be intentional, for spending time can quickly become meaningless or wasted.  Sadly, there are occasions where time spent doing "ministry" is just wasted time.  Time could be spent better elsewhere such as canning salsa.     

I have learned these lessons the hard way.  Naturally, I am a shy person when I am in a crowd that I am not known.  It takes me quite awhile to warm up to people, and even then it is easy for me to move on from relationships.  It is a piece of my personality that makes me incredibly sad.  I like to fill my days with checklists and management, but this doesn't allow the Holy Spirit to move.  We must be intentional with our time because reality is, there are many things to get done in a day.  Every house wife knows that from the moment she wakes up to the moment she lies down, she is in movement.

    So I left the meeting because that season of my life hasn't came as of yet, and honestly, I have done very little with the training I came home with from San Fransisco.  I hope to change this, but it is all about waiting on the Holy Spirit to move.  I will squeeze in here though, it is about movement as well.  More on that later.  It takes waking up every morning and asking God, "Okay, what do I do today?"  It takes obeying His leading when He tells you to go or to stay.  What season of life are we in as of now?  Well, I am building a photography business, and it is going very well (thanks be to God and the creative insights the Holy Spirit has given me).  I am trying to find a place at the kickboxing gym that I am now attending (since I am officially past all hurts and aches), and I am attempting to get healthy enough to carry a baby to term.  I am seeing a natural herbalist doctor guy that has suggested some medicine that will raise my body temp high enough to keep a baby (since my normal body temp is below 96 degrees), and I am starting to feed my body organic food.  My prayer is that by the end of the year, we will be pregnant again, and the baby will be carried to term.  I am also in a season of leaving full time work and going to part time work and trusting God with money.  Finally, I am in a season of building a ministry.  God just hasn't given me or my husband the picture of what that is going to look like yet. 

So what season of life do you find yourself in at the moment, and are you spending your time intentionally in that season?

The High Demand for Slavery Starts with Us

Why Human Trafficking and Modern Day Slavery is a World Wide Problem and a World Wide Concern

This is my thank you to all who helped raise money and who gave money for me to go to the Not for Sale Academy June of 2012. I pray that during my time there I brought honor and glory to God above and brought honor to the friends and family that sent me. I pray that my time there was not wasted, and I have information that all may benefit from my attending. Thank you again.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for the Lord God has anointed me to bring the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim FREEDOM for the captives, and the opening of the prison doors to those who are bound. To proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God. To comfort all who mourn.” Isaiah 62:1-2

Information:
         Walk into your closet, pantry, or living room for that matter and take a good look around. Stop thinking about how messy your living room may be, how you have too many clothes, or even that you need to go grocery shopping and think for a moment from where these products actually came. Forget about the label or the store, I am talking about the cotton that made the t-shirt that says made in America or the minerals inside your computer or television. Go a step further and think about the chocolate chips in your cupboard. Have you ever stopped and wondered, “Where did the things that I use every day actually come from?” Here is a little dose of reality that hit me way too hard during my training at the Not for Sale Academy. The high demand for slavery does not come from some scary looking mafia men; it comes from people like you and me. Isn’t that a scary idea?! There are children being kidnapped and forced to work in the jungles of Africa picking Cocoa from the trees because we like Hershey’s chocolate bars. This is not something that we can justify nor distance ourselves from any longer. There are companies all over the world trying to expose the truth that since we do not ask businesses where our items come from, they are finding the cheapest labor possible and getting away with using slavery to create things common in our society.

         We fuel this demand by wanting cheap material in high quantities. We do not want to spend a large amount of money on a toy for our child. We would rather spend a small amount of money and get a wide range of variety. Companies are not ignorant, and they track our spending habits. Hasbro, Mattel, etc. see that we do not want to spend a lot of money, so they vouch for sweat shop laborers to create things so that the company can sell the item at a cheaper rate. The reality is that though sex trafficking is a horrendous act that should be stopped immediately; they actually serve a small percentage of the 27 million enslaved. Most of the people enslaved today make the clothing you are probably wearing at this moment. That sound daunting? Good! We need this to sound daunting because the only we are going to see an end to modern day slavery is decrease the demand. Here are a few more facts for you:

o Labor Trafficking is the most prevalent source of slavery.

o There are five types of trafficking: Labor, Child, Sex, Organ, and Domestic Servitude.

 o Type of Work Traffickers Traffic Victims for: Sex, Domestic (nannies or servants), Marriage, factory work, agriculture, restaurant, manufacturing, home care, servile marriage, criminal activity (drug transporting), construction, hotel or motel work, housekeeping, daycare teachers, cleaning business, and domestic services for Embassy Employees: Diplomats.

o The victims are usually recruited in the following ways: a personal relationship, newpaper ads, internet, or the promise of work.

o Victims are not just women. Many come from rural villages, but that doesn’t mean that they are poor or uneducated. Many men and women who have graduated from college with Master’s degrees have ended up being trafficked. Traffickers are not just men either, and they are not just big crime involvement type people. They can be someone as simple as a man or wife.

o Victims have difficulty seeking help because of language barriers, restricted movement, fear of authority, fear of deportation, lack of accurate knowledge of rights and resources, shame or scorn from family, trauma, or attachment to trafficker.

  o Many of the women getting stuck in Sex Slavery are from poor villages where there is not work to sustain themselves or their family. These women take loans to come to America or other westernized countries because they believe lies that once they get into those countries they will find work. They hear these lies from other women who work to recruit women for business. These women are beaten into submission and eventually learn to be “good” at their job in hopes of returning to their land or making enough money to send home to their families. Most of the women, even after “rescue” or paying off their debts return to prostitution. It is the only thing they know how to do, and when people find out what they are doing, even if they were trapped into the industry, they are looked at as a prostitute. The Price of Sex Documentary

o Many of the girls from the small villages mentioned above know that many of the girls that leave the village end up in horrific situations, but with no view of any type of future, they continue to trusts the men and women promising futures in other countries. I thought that this was an impossible idea until I met a girl on the bus in San Francisco. She was from Ukraine and took out a huge loan from the bank in order to come to America. She was going to college and working side jobs such as cleaning houses and teaching private dance lessons to pay back the loan. The Price of Sex

o The TVPA (Trafficking Victims Protection Act) of 2000 defines trafficking the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harboring or receipt of persons, by means of the threat or use of force or other forms of coercion, of abduction, of fraud, of deception, of the abuse of power or of a position of vulnerability. Any child being used for prostitution under the age of consent is automatically trafficking. The age of consent in Arkansas is 16.

o Made in the USA is not a safe answer to this problem. Only a small percentage of the item has to be assembled in America for it to have the Made in the USA tag.

Purpose:
        I bet you are saying right now to yourselves, “Okay, great Paula. I have heard a lot of this before, and even if I hadn’t you are telling me I can’t get away from using stuff made by slaves. Thanks for the uplifting words…now what?” I will respond with please do not get discouraged. Discouragement is another tool used by the traffickers. This problem is big, but it is not too big. Nothing is too big for God right, and we are His people. The perfect question is “Now what?”

 What Not for Sale is doing: NFS has discovered that slavery is a business, and the best way to fight it is business. They are building a corporation and a force of people to fight for the justice of people. They have discovered a way of doing this that is like no other. They are also trying to get out of the category of non-profit so that they do not have to wait on government grants to continue doing work. They are focused on finding ways to be self-sustaining. They are going into areas with high probability of trafficking and building business creating jobs. The jobs are being given to not just survivors but common people of the villages. By doing this, they are creating chains of fair trade products and creating job so that people will not be tempted to go into bigger cities looking for jobs. They showed up some new things coming out on their product line, and though I cannot give you details, I can say that there are exciting things coming out of NFS. While you wait for their new products, check out their Rebbl tea. http://www.causes.com/causes/597-not-for-sale/actions/1661196 In addition to creating a system to stop trafficking before it happens, they are training a force of people (like me) to be a part of the abolitionist movement.

What will I be doing now that I am trained: I am responsible for the research of cases of trafficking that have already been exposed. I research these cases and report them to slaverymap.org. This web-site is a tool for everyday people to see where and when trafficking is taking place in their own communities and around the world. In addition to this, I am responsible for bringing awareness to the community about trafficking. I now have a wide range of knowledge too in-depth for this letter, but I would love to sit down with any of you and talk logistics. I have also been trained to recognize trafficking in my everyday life. If I am in the opinion that trafficking is happening then I am trained to approach victims of trafficking so that they may reach out for help. Michael and I will be taking the knowledge that I now have to help with organizations in Arkansas. I am also trained to investigate cases of sex slavery online. This is a skill that I am thankful to have, but I ask for prayers as my husband and I figure out the best method for me to use this skill considering the obvious issues with the material I will have to be researching.

What you can do:

• Accept the reality that slavery does exist and it affects us in every area of our life at the current moment.

• Accept the reality that you are an abolitionist and your role as a believer and consumer can either contribute or fight modern day slavery.

  • Pray for your community, for America, and for the world. Pray that the voices of those in bondage be heard. Pray that more organizations step up with a desire to love people the way Christ loves us.

• Reshape your view of people (especially immigrants and prostitutes). Contribute to the breaking down of stereotypes because stereotypes contribute to human trafficking. Most immigrants are too afraid of asking for help for fear of hatred or deportation. When we refuse to look at people with the eyes of God, we dehumanize them. It is easy for people to take advantage of people who people quit seeing as human.

• Become a smart consumer. Download the Free2work app (www.free2work.org). This app allows you to scan the barcode of a product you are about to purchase. Once the barcode is scanned, the app will tell you the rating of the company. High grades determine if the company is working towards a no tolerance mindset. A lower grade determines if the company is doing nothing to fight slavery. We may have to pay more for things that are made in no tolerant shops, but do we really want to get gratification from someone’s deprivation? Remember that we the consumer run the show! If begin to speak out against companies that use slave labor in their production then we speak volumes about where we want to put our money. The reality is, as well, that a lot of clothing is not made in “no tolerant factories”. As we pray for transformation, think of some ways to purchase clothing at a no profit to the company (such as buying from second hand stores).

• Open your eyes to the world around you. You go to a Chinese restaurant to eat after church on Sunday. Your waitress seems happy enough, but she doesn’t really talk to you and she looks sad or nervous. All of a sudden you realize that you live in a community where there is slim to no Chinese population. You may ask where she came from, what she is doing in town, or if she likes her job. These are basic questions that can lead you to some pretty important information. If you have a concern that human trafficking is occurring call the Polaris Project hotline number 1-800-373-7888. Memorize this number. It would be easy to write this name on a napkin. If you have any more questions about what to do in these situations, feel free to contact me.

  • Be a realist but an optimistic realist. Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. Welcome to the mountain. Sometimes, I feel like we got in statistics like 27 million people entrapped in slavery today. However, those are humans we are talking about. Each human desperate for freedom. Each human being beaten, abused, exploited, raped, etc. Each human that has an individual story. We have to feel like these people will be freed. We have to pray with faith that God will move mountains in this area.

• Let us, the church, end the issue with sex. We need to have freedom to discuss sex in the church so that people who are struggling with addictions to pornography or people who have reached the point they are buying sex can reach out for help knowing that they will not be shunned. God offered sex as a gift, and he meant it for good. It is the world that turned it into something perverted, and then the church decided that sex was bad. I read a portion of a book while I was in San Francisco that stated sex is a big deal. God intended it for married couples as a gift and a way to reproduce. However, sex is not as big as a deal as we think. The idea that sex sells needs to be destroyed and we need to start opening our hearts to the idea that struggling with some sort of sexual issue is fairly normal. We also need to speak out against pornography and teaching our sons and daughters about purity. This is so important because in my work, I have to research cases of sex slavery online. There are so many men that treat buying sex like they were going to see a new movie.

  • Get involved with your community. I would love if you joined a group such as P.A.T.H or Not for Sale, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about your neighbors, the people in the grocery store, the people at the park, etc. This goes back to opening our eyes. We, as the church, need to be opening our arms, hearts, and eyes. Thank you.

Airport Rambles

I am updating from my Kindle Fire, so I really have no idea how this is going to look once it is posted. Does anyone else out there in blog world just love being a wife? Maybe it is because I am just a newlywed as I am often told, and maybe the feeling will soon wear off making loving my husband and loving my role as his wife more difficult. Maybe it is just I have a fantastic husband who makes being a wife easier. Whatever the cause, my role as wife is something I hold precious to my heart. I do pray that for as long as I have breath my role as wife will reign high on my list. However, I have found that in devoloping my role as wife I have somewhat forgotten or even disregarded my role as daughter. My world has became self-centered and me focused. I have developed fears that have blinded my sight of the Father, and I have held dearly to the control of my little family. If the last two days have taught me anything it is that I do not have control over anything. Including the weather or how quickly the airport attendants move. Fullfilling my role as wife is a crucial part of filling my role as daughter. It is not the only part of being daughter, though, and God calls us to lay everything down for the life He is freely giving us. Today, as I watched my husband carefully hand my bags over to me and kiss me goodbye I was reminded of the calling to lay our life down. It reminded me of the story of Deborah. She was a wife and a good judge. She was submissive and yet strong and wise. I wonder about the relationship between her and her husband. Did he laugh and smile kindly at the sight of her teaching under the tree? Did his love for her grow when he saw her not only fullfilling her role as wife but also fullfilling her role as daughter? Did he swell with pride when she went to battle after lovingly but honestly speaking truth? God has given me many gifts, and He has given me a husband that knows how to develop, cherish, value, and use those gifts. However, Michael knows that using my gifts is a decision that is ultimately mine. He pushes but does not shove. However, I will see God one day, and He is going to ask me how I used His gifts...maybe I can have a story like Deborah. Yes God... I was a wife, but I was also a daughter, and I hope I was a good one. On another note, have I ever mentioned how much I hate flying?!

Rediscovering Joy

         I should be tucked in tight in my big and comfortable bed, but I am up tonight... packing... or procrastinating packing (whichever suits you best).  In less than 24 hours, I will be boarding a plane to San Francisco, and if the plane doesn't crash (yes, this is a legit fear), Wednesday morning I will begin my investigator training.  I can't believe the time is already here.  My husband is working tonight, or he would be here pulling me away from the computer forcing me to continue packing... I hate packing.  If I were rich, I would travel to wherever I was going and just buy all new things.  I would then donate them to some poor person before I left to return home, but since we do not live in a fantasy world, I will continue to pack.  I remember a time a few years ago when I was trying to cram a bunch of stuff into one suit case because it was cheaper on the Greyhound bus to just take one suitcase.  Michael and I were just friends, but he stayed up all night with me as I packed, unpacked, and packed my suitcase over and over again.  He laughed at me as I sat on top of the suitcase trying to zip it up without busting a seam.  I have to say that I have gotten better.  For this trip I am allowed one small suitcase for carry-on and a backpack.  I have extra room left to bring home surprises.

        Several things have happened since my last post.  I injured my shoulder taking me out of the serious summer action for five more weeks and putting me into therapy for at least three more weeks.  I cried in the doctor's office when he told me, and like a baby, I called Michael and asked him to come sit with me during my first batch of therapy.  He is a champ.  He sat there the whole time holding my hand telling me of all the things that I was still going to be able to do this summer despite a bum shoulder.  I also turned 26.  I was treated to a surprise(ish) birthday celebration from my husband, a random camping and hiking trip, blackberry picking, and a dinner from my dad and his wife.  It was lovely.  The guitar pictured above was a birthday present.  My husband also bought me my very first pair of Chacos.  I almost cried I was so excited, and I have worn them non-stop.  My mother-in-law gave me some rose petals that she saved from our wedding a little over a year ago.  She had placed them in a glass jar, and I was very touched.  I was also overly blessed with a beautiful new cheese grater from my sister-in-law.  That may not be a big deal to most people, but to me... it was the most thoughtful gift since my went missing over a year ago.  I was touched by her kindness.  I was touched by a lot of people's kindness.  So many people offered their love to me, and I felt very blessed to have so many close people in my life. 

        God has given so many things to Michael and I.  We were invited to the State Capitol the other day to help plan the very first ever Human Trafficking Summit the other day, and I finally had my very first photo shoot.  I didn't do horrible, I could have done a lot better.  A friend of mine who is an amazing photographer asked me if I wanted to attend a newborn photo shoot with her as an assistant.  I think I could fall in love with newborn photography.  I had an amazing time.

     I have been thinking a lot about joy lately.  Before I became a believer I was in such a deep state of depression that it is hard sometimes to remember the girl before my life was sacrificed to the Father.  As a new believer, Joy radiated through every fiber of who I was, but has the strain of life became more extreme and I went from carefree college student to employed and married... I felt joy drifting from who I am.  However the Bible says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things there is no law.  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."  Galatians 5:22-25

      We live in such a me focused, self-indulgent world that our own flesh sucks the joy that God promises with the gift of the Spirit right out of us.  We give, but then we complain about how much the giving costs us whether that giving is time or money.  Then.. heaven forbid we do not receive something in return for our giving.  How dare we love on a friend just to have that friend forget about us when feel like that friend should be loving on us.  Giving without expectancy is something that this world has not grasped and sadly our self indulgent and prideful desires our denying us pure joy.  This year for my birthday I desired something more than gifts.  I read a blog post not too long ago about a girl that each year on her birthday did something called random blessings.  She took her age and did that many random blessings.  I wanted nothing more than to try this out on my birthday, and I waited all year long for my chance to randomly bless people (that sounds so silly now that I see it in black and white.  It is as if I believed I could not randomly bless because it was not my birthday). 

    Either way, I started the morning before my birthday, and I my expectations of what these random blessings would be changed considerably through out the day.  I have some most entertaining stories of me attempting, succeeding, and failing at trying to bless people through out the day.  I chose people that were friends from family to even complete strangers.  I didn't even get through all 26 blessings.  I thought this post would be a list of the creative things that I got to do, but when it was all said and done, I was just amazed how joyful I felt.  For so long I have felt under the pressure of being an adult, and now here I was trying to chase dogs out of houses and providing water bottles to peole stranded on the road.  I got the greater gift.  I got joy, and my husband was so blessed by the little blessings that I left for him.  He smiled all day long and told me countless times how precious I was to him.  What started out as a cool idea became the most amazing journey I have had in awhile.

                        My prayer now is so simple that I seem like a child.  I just want to be more aware... quit being so busy and love on some people because that is the gift of joy from the Father.  My old camp director used to tell us everyday to go Make a Difference... I guess as corny as it sounds, I leave you with the same instructions... small or big... go Make a Difference Today.