American Honey

I am sure that my beloved Varians are very tired of hearing this Lady Antebellum song being strummed out on the guitar, but the ability I have to created something similar to a real song from simply placing fingers here or there on an instrument has me memorized. I put off learning the guitar for so long, and now, the guitar is quickly becoming an important part of my life! My cheap six string is the best company I have on a lonely night, and it the best ego boost when everything around me seems to be crashing down. Many days after my internship I found myself picking at my guitar thinking, "well at least, for today, I can accomplish this..." Now, with the summer sun beating down on me, there is nothing better than sitting on the front porch of the Varian household plucking a new song out on the guitar. Actually, the guitar has claimed most of my attention during my stay here. Earlier today, I was talking on the phone while picking on the guitar. Mr. V came in at the right moment to snicker at my ability to do hundreds of different things at one time.

The Varian household has proven to be a God-given place of rest, restoration, growth, and fun for me. The first thing Ms. Mary notices about me when I first get here is that I look tired, and when you consider how I live my day to day life...I am tired. I am thankful for a period of rest. Yesterday, I swung on a tree swing, jumped on a trampoline, chased fireflies, talked to friends that I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and talk to in a long time, read, and learned two new songs on my guitar. I also took a nap! A real nap! A nap uninturrupted by a four-year old or phone ringing, or to-do list. Honestly, the only reason I have completly disposed of my phone now is that I would like to know the moment that Tracy goes into labor, and there are several friends that I do not want to lose touch with.

Thankful. I am thankful! In Paul's letters, we are called to be thankful.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Colossians 3:15

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.' Colossians 4:2

"Therefore since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe." Hebrews 12:28

I like to think that I am thankful person. When I look at my life, I am awed by how much I have been given. I sit tonight in a kitchen in Alabama with a family that took me in as one of their own without ever asking what my life story was. I get to travel and do what I please, and I always have a home to come back to where people who love me wait and pray for me. I am blessed by a God who has given in abundance. Honestly, if the only thing our God ever gave us was the chance for a new life, wouldn't that be enough. How many times though do we believe the lies that we need or deserve more. I am reading this book call, Taking Thoughts Captive, and it was revealed to me in a painful way that much of my life is ran by thinking, "I need one more thing to be happy." However, searching for "One more thing" never brings happiness. I am called to be thankful...I am receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken. I think I almost passed out the first time a girl looked at me and complained about being too skinny, and I despise every married woman on the face of the planet that wished they were single like me. If I hear ONE MORE TIME that singleness is a gift, I am going to throw up. My singleness might be a gift but no more of a gift than your marriage.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am tired of looking for one more thing. I am tired of thinking I am doing something wrong and am not getting that one more thing because of the thing that I am presumably doing wrong. Many times, I find my one more thing is my singleness. My desire to be in a crazy romance ending in a marriage filled with ups and downs has not been given to me, and for so long I thought it was something I was doing that God was not giving in to my request. Many days and nights I have worked for my one more thing instead of letting God just do His thing giving me the benefits of it all. It is a daily choice to be thankful for what we are given, but what a major change in our lives if we started out every morning with a gratitude list.

Today, I will make the choice to be thankful.

I am thankful that...

I know where Ms. Mary keeps the "good food."

E-beth and I do not have to spend every moment together when I visit.

My new house has a tire swing where Embery can play.

There is such a thing as Christian Rock, and I get to share in this joy with my dear friend Kat.

I have to start writing down all the songs I know how to play on the guitar.

I have the ability to run.

I own a pink i-pod.

My best guy friends and my best girlfriends are getting married.

Arkansas is my home.

I am about to be 24 years-old.

That Mr. V lets me call him Mr. V.

That I had four servings of fruit today, and I didn't have to pay for any of it.

My bridesmaid dress fits.

I have been to 23 states.

I have guy friends that take me for drives in their trucks.

That God speaks to me.

God answers my prayers when I seek Him.

That tomorrow I get to go dancing.

Camp is starting.

Packing Boxes and Fireflies

Summer is here. For camp, we had to right a poem of sorts in which each sentence starts off, "I'm From..." When I began to write the poem of sorts down, I almost started crying about how blessed I was. Honestly, there are always things that I am going to want to be different, but God has granted me so much in my short 23 (almost 24) years of life.

"I'm from...Conway, Arkansas (home of American Idol Kris Allen)

I'm from the University of Central Arkansas, Central Baptist College, and University of Arkansas at Fayetteville (Go Hogs!)

I'm from a small classroom in Quitman, Arkansas where I teach 9th, 10th, and 10th grade Pre-Ap English and drama.

I'm from pick-up trucks, starry nights by the lake, Little Ceaser's pizza and a movie, and shaved ice on a hot day.

I'm from long hikes to the waterfall, a basketball court, and softball fields late into the night.

I'm from faded blue jeans, Teva sandals, sweatshirts and shorts, cute sundresses, New Balance tennis shoes, and a pink I-pod.

I'm from a past of heartbreak and struggles to finding Christ at a later age and passionately pursing righteousness, peace, joy, and love with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

I'm from dancing barefoot, a six-string guitar, wildflowers, four-wheelers, and a long dirt road.

I'm from Sunday morning pancakes with Miss Embery Holland, a dramatic, defiant, but lovable four-year-old.

I'm from an unnatural obsession with traveling, and I'm from a large group of friend whom i call family.

I'm from a life classified as anything but normal."

To call me BLESSED would be the ultimate understatement! I would love for the whole world to see how amazingly blessed I am and see my life as an example of the unity that Paul preaches about in his letters! If somebody needs something, it appears. If somebody is struggling and needs prayer, we are there. I have seen Satan attempt to destroy us time and time again, and though we have let him into places in our lives, the Lord of all equips us to be conqorours. An example of our bond is the fact that I had 30 people show up at my graduation, and everywhere we go, we cannot be silenced for the Spirit of the Lord dwells within us and consumes everyone that comes in contact with us. Be mindful that this is the Lord's doing, and we simply get to reap the benefits in God creating glory for Himself.

So what is the big deal? I'm moving. I got a grand oppurtunity to rent out a friend's duplex helping her out and giving me more room. Not taking the deal would be a complete ignorant idea, but I am moving from my small, one-bedroom apartment that God gave me two years ago. I remember walking late at night and trying to figure out which aparmtnet would be mine. I remember how happy I was when I figured out that Tracy and I would share a wall. I remember making my deposit, and I remember the first thing I bought for my apartment, a couch, and sleeping on it until I got a bed. I gave my apartment back to God the moment I stepped over the threshhold. God gave me this place on a platter, and I desired for every inch of the space to glow with God's love. Every moment shared in that apartment will be treasured, but as a child of God, I go when I am sent. While I was preparing for Alabama and my new teaching job, God threw me a curve. My aparment, my home, my safe zone, would no longer be mine. I was to move.

Now, I am reading this book that talks about choices and how sometimes we do not really know what the right choice is, so we make decisions and ask God to be present in each decision even if we made a bad one. However, sometimes we just know. I knew the moment I heard about the new house that I was to move, and so without even an "All's Clear" I began packing my things in boxes to ship to storage to wait until I return from Alabama. The more I pondered over next year, the more sick I got. This is the end of an era, and I am scared to death of lonliness. My "family friends" are all growing up, and we are moving. The more I thought about working 50+ hours a week and coming home to an empty house where when I knock on the wall I won't be getting Tracy but someone else and the more I thought about Jessica moving out of the state and things just changing, the more Satan started playing in my head memories of being alone. Then I was brought to the story of Jacob and God wrestling.

I am still a little shady on the details, but the whole thing sounds fantastic. Jacob wrestled God until God would bless him. Jacob showed that he was strong and determined. (Genesis 32). God blessed Jacob because Jacob had wrestled with men and God and would not give up. As I broke down in tears the other night at the softball game, I came to the conclusion that though my apartment is packed up in boxes I will not be defeated by the fear of lonliness, but instead I will take time to watch the fireflies and enjoy the beauty of life that God has blessed me with. I will not be moved.

"I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved.

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I will not be moved."

PCOS Drama

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. "

Psalm 139:13-16

Did you know that 1 in 10 women suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aka PCOS aka body hell? I hate to be so dramatic, but this paticular syndrome has brought me down to my knees more than I can count begging the Lord for my sickness to be lifted. I hate PCOS. I despise it! Often, I even despise myself. How horrid of an idea?! The God of the universe who is holy, holy, holy, who sent His only Son to save me from damnation, who created each and every star and even knows them by name, who created me saw it to be good that I would suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. To despise myself is to despise the creation and to despise the Creator.

Let me break it down for you. PCOS is a syndrome found in women in which the body produces too much sugar (insulin). Basically my body feels like it should produce enough insulin to keep a male body going in a female body. Perhaps my body has some idenity issues, **shrugs**. Becuase of this syndrome, I must live a very rigid lifestyle. I must get plenty of sleep. I must refrain from ALL sugars. That includes bread and all the sugary goodness found in other fabolous things. I must excercise...all the time, and I must come to live with the fact that no matter how good I eat or how much I excercise, I am never going to be "skinny." Seems like a raw deal, right? However, the consequences for not doing what I am supposed to far outweigh the things I must do. To quit means that I can kiss my chances of ever having a baby goodbye. It also means that I must live with be obese because my body gains weight about ten times faster than the normal body. There are special foods that I can eat, foods that I can not, and there are special things that I must do. My life is in fact...special.

Did any of this information come from the doctor? No! That is what I find most fascinating about all of this. When I went to the doctor at the young age of 20 to see why my body acted different than others, I was told I had PCOS and all that meant was that I needed to lose weight and I could possiby never have kids "naturally." The doctor ended with "It really is no big deal." Later, in my Bible time I read in 2nd Timothy how women were made complete through childbirth. I went home and cried for hours. I was still living with my father at the time, and when he asked me what the doctor said, I couldn't even remember the name.

I started running. This is the story of my twenties: I started running. Sometimes I ran away from things, and sometimes I ran toward things but either way, I started. I started slowly losing weight. I was excited when I weighed myself daily (sometimes hourly) and found that I had lost a pound or two. I felt better, and my body started "acting" better. Eventually, I stumbled on to some web-sites about PCOS. I found out tons of information about the syndrome the doctor so conviently forgot. I went home and threw every single piece of food in my kitchen away! I bought brand new food, and I started realizing that what was going on with my body WAS IMPORTANT.

Medicine was a last resort for me, but I wanted to keep it in the playing field. After I came back from being a camp counselor in Alabama for the second year, I finally hit rock bottom. I had taught three Mountain Biking classes daily, I did a workout video, and my passion for running didn't dissapear. I ran from the state of Alabama to the Georgia line FOR FUN! I spent two months doing this and lost...4 pounds. FOUR! I went to the doctor crying and asked for whatever medicine they could give me. I wanted to feel pretty!

Reality Check. I was on the medicine for about two months when God started convicting me. God made me very aware that with the medicine I was putting in my body I was telling Him that I wasn't good enough, that the creation He made was wrong. I am not dissing medicine by any way, but I went in to the doctor looking to get "pretty," and that is wrong! I told God that the healing He had been bringing to my body wasn't good enough. I told God that I was better than this, and that I deserved better than having to workout two hours a day and eat right in order to stay balanced. I told God that I was too good for this, and all of a sudden, I realized that with this medicine I was in straight disrespect and disobedience to my Father. So I quit. I didn't realize however that with hormone pills you can't just quit! You have to slowly drop off. This was another pretty little fact my doctor FORGOT to mention. Now, I am dealing with the consequences of my disobendience. I didn't lose weight... I gained it, and my body is despertly trying to regulate itself again. Now I get to make a choice...

Praise Psalm 139 or wallow in my self pity. The choice changes hourly.

In New York City, I slept near a window that was partly opened. Snow fell through the crack all evening long, but I didn’t mind the cold. I was partial to the comfort that it brought, the reality that it told. I slept in the quiet room with strangers that I would never see again and stared out at a world that was dark despite the light and lonely despite the crowd; I loved the minute I got to spend praying for the place I resided. That night I spoke with people I could barely understand and watched as a world unfolded that I would have never guess. My big personality was quieted near the hustle of people and the sirens but not overlooked, and my smooth southern accent was like a big sign posted over my head screaming tourist. The days were busy, but the nights…the night belonged to me. I slept well; I felt protected in the solitude.

In Alabama, in the mountains, the nights brought a cool rest from the sun’s relentless fury. With only the soft sound of small fans posted at random bunks within the room, I would stare out at the leaves entangled in themselves dancing in the endless mountain wind. The feeling that I was the only one awake, the only one alive, the only one that ever had or was ever to exist comforted the ever present loneliness that resided in people called, “different.” I didn’t have to fight for survival at night. My thoughts were not interrupted at night. I could sit and pray, or I could sit and stare into the darkness searching for answers that were not coming from the wind or the trees: or maybe they were.

The same feeling, the same moment came in Ohio and Virginia, and standing with my toes barely touching the surf in Florida I watched the night dancers tell the stories of the worlds across the vast ocean. I felt small, comforted in my smallness, as if for once in my life it was revealed to me that the sun did not rise nor set on my timeline but on my Father’s. Through the night’s endless mystery and wonder, I am brought back to the understanding that the busyness of the day is just that, and I am still a princess who has a better promise waiting than the pleasures of this world. Several bus trips from Tennessee and saying goodbye to the mountains of Colorado as they vanished into the darkness has all brought me to the same conclusion; I am astonished how the night has brought such knowledge.

When I was a child, I played for hours until it was too late in the night to even recognize that another human lived in my house. Many times in my exhaustion, I would just settle myself where I was playing and sleep. My dad had the habit of dragging me out into the dark mystery for ice cream, and we would sit and watch the Wal-Mart shoppers walk in and out going on with their lives. My favorite memories are of my dad and I sitting in that parking lot making up stories for the people we saw. How odd it is to see people walk from place to place, to take part in their life, and they never know it. When I was a child, I packed my bags during the night to leave my house. It was during the night that I crawled silently into a stranger’s house not knowing when I would be home. My tears were dried by my pillow’s softness, and the night became a gift… a time to recover my emotions and began again. Even the times when I could not even see because the darkness of my new situation was too great, I knew I was surrounded by my Father’s angels fighting for His daughter and His princess.

How is it that in the daylight hours a person can run from the truth but when the night comes all is revealed? Leaving the Kappa Sigma house on that cold evening I watched the stars as they guided me home. A life that was completely messed up was still being protected, still being cared for, and the truth was ever present, being told through the stars. It was in the solitude of the night that I could not run, and eventually, it was the solitude of the night when I chose to stop running. I had accepted the idea that I was not worthy of anything but had been given everything.As a person grows, their nights change. My nights describe my moment in life. My nights went from long phone conversations with lots of smiles and big plans to making it back by curfew and growing friendships with women across the United States. My nights went from the pain of living in a place of constant struggle to a group of family and friends that forced their way into a stone cold heart.

My nights have been filled with goodbyes and new adventures, and my nights contain me here where my Father has so carefully placed me. Where through steps of trust and faith, I have become a new creation rarely remembering the life I used to call my own. I have spent nights in the back of pick-up trucks and on docks beside lakes. I have taken chances and made some very stupid mistakes in the nights I have been given, and I have shared my life and room with several beautiful women and children that I have gotten to watch sleep soundly through the night. I am a fan of the nights, maybe too much. Right now I play quiet music while I pour my thoughts out onto a piece of paper while my amazing roommate and my beautiful Embery Bear dream in the room next to me. My life has truly been touched and blessed in so many ways. The book of


Proverbs simply states:

“Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

How HUGE is this statement? Here I stand, a scared child wondering what lies ahead. I have spent the last five years of my life in pursuit of an education degree, and now my passion is not even found there. I have no idea where I am going, and the changes that have occurred around me have been tremendous. They have been big enough, at least, that I feel as if I am playing catch up most of the time. God has revealed little to me this year and though I joke that He is watching carefully calling for my trust, I know that He is. He watches me and announces at every turn that He has given me every desire of my heart and I am silly for not realizing that He is providing a future and a hope for me, but I put out my desperate attempts thinking I can fix something that I have determined has went terribly wrong.

It is frustrating that I have found myself in this particular situation, but I was prepared for it and I firmly believe that I am being equipped for something huge. I have changed my mind at least a hundred times in the past month of what I want to do with my life, of who I am going to like, etc, and I have claimed peace over my life in the name of my Father who is the only one that provides true peace. I will win in this hour and the next because I am bound for sleep, but as for tomorrow the battle rages on. The Lord has called me a conqueror though, so I walk into the battle with my head held high knowing that what I contain is more important than anything the enemy can through at me. And when it gets all too hard, I remember that night in New York City where I fell asleep believing that dreams really can come true.