PCOS Drama

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. "

Psalm 139:13-16

Did you know that 1 in 10 women suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aka PCOS aka body hell? I hate to be so dramatic, but this paticular syndrome has brought me down to my knees more than I can count begging the Lord for my sickness to be lifted. I hate PCOS. I despise it! Often, I even despise myself. How horrid of an idea?! The God of the universe who is holy, holy, holy, who sent His only Son to save me from damnation, who created each and every star and even knows them by name, who created me saw it to be good that I would suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. To despise myself is to despise the creation and to despise the Creator.

Let me break it down for you. PCOS is a syndrome found in women in which the body produces too much sugar (insulin). Basically my body feels like it should produce enough insulin to keep a male body going in a female body. Perhaps my body has some idenity issues, **shrugs**. Becuase of this syndrome, I must live a very rigid lifestyle. I must get plenty of sleep. I must refrain from ALL sugars. That includes bread and all the sugary goodness found in other fabolous things. I must excercise...all the time, and I must come to live with the fact that no matter how good I eat or how much I excercise, I am never going to be "skinny." Seems like a raw deal, right? However, the consequences for not doing what I am supposed to far outweigh the things I must do. To quit means that I can kiss my chances of ever having a baby goodbye. It also means that I must live with be obese because my body gains weight about ten times faster than the normal body. There are special foods that I can eat, foods that I can not, and there are special things that I must do. My life is in fact...special.

Did any of this information come from the doctor? No! That is what I find most fascinating about all of this. When I went to the doctor at the young age of 20 to see why my body acted different than others, I was told I had PCOS and all that meant was that I needed to lose weight and I could possiby never have kids "naturally." The doctor ended with "It really is no big deal." Later, in my Bible time I read in 2nd Timothy how women were made complete through childbirth. I went home and cried for hours. I was still living with my father at the time, and when he asked me what the doctor said, I couldn't even remember the name.

I started running. This is the story of my twenties: I started running. Sometimes I ran away from things, and sometimes I ran toward things but either way, I started. I started slowly losing weight. I was excited when I weighed myself daily (sometimes hourly) and found that I had lost a pound or two. I felt better, and my body started "acting" better. Eventually, I stumbled on to some web-sites about PCOS. I found out tons of information about the syndrome the doctor so conviently forgot. I went home and threw every single piece of food in my kitchen away! I bought brand new food, and I started realizing that what was going on with my body WAS IMPORTANT.

Medicine was a last resort for me, but I wanted to keep it in the playing field. After I came back from being a camp counselor in Alabama for the second year, I finally hit rock bottom. I had taught three Mountain Biking classes daily, I did a workout video, and my passion for running didn't dissapear. I ran from the state of Alabama to the Georgia line FOR FUN! I spent two months doing this and lost...4 pounds. FOUR! I went to the doctor crying and asked for whatever medicine they could give me. I wanted to feel pretty!

Reality Check. I was on the medicine for about two months when God started convicting me. God made me very aware that with the medicine I was putting in my body I was telling Him that I wasn't good enough, that the creation He made was wrong. I am not dissing medicine by any way, but I went in to the doctor looking to get "pretty," and that is wrong! I told God that the healing He had been bringing to my body wasn't good enough. I told God that I was better than this, and that I deserved better than having to workout two hours a day and eat right in order to stay balanced. I told God that I was too good for this, and all of a sudden, I realized that with this medicine I was in straight disrespect and disobedience to my Father. So I quit. I didn't realize however that with hormone pills you can't just quit! You have to slowly drop off. This was another pretty little fact my doctor FORGOT to mention. Now, I am dealing with the consequences of my disobendience. I didn't lose weight... I gained it, and my body is despertly trying to regulate itself again. Now I get to make a choice...

Praise Psalm 139 or wallow in my self pity. The choice changes hourly.