In New York City, I slept near a window that was partly opened. Snow fell through the crack all evening long, but I didn’t mind the cold. I was partial to the comfort that it brought, the reality that it told. I slept in the quiet room with strangers that I would never see again and stared out at a world that was dark despite the light and lonely despite the crowd; I loved the minute I got to spend praying for the place I resided. That night I spoke with people I could barely understand and watched as a world unfolded that I would have never guess. My big personality was quieted near the hustle of people and the sirens but not overlooked, and my smooth southern accent was like a big sign posted over my head screaming tourist. The days were busy, but the nights…the night belonged to me. I slept well; I felt protected in the solitude.
In Alabama, in the mountains, the nights brought a cool rest from the sun’s relentless fury. With only the soft sound of small fans posted at random bunks within the room, I would stare out at the leaves entangled in themselves dancing in the endless mountain wind. The feeling that I was the only one awake, the only one alive, the only one that ever had or was ever to exist comforted the ever present loneliness that resided in people called, “different.” I didn’t have to fight for survival at night. My thoughts were not interrupted at night. I could sit and pray, or I could sit and stare into the darkness searching for answers that were not coming from the wind or the trees: or maybe they were.
The same feeling, the same moment came in Ohio and Virginia, and standing with my toes barely touching the surf in Florida I watched the night dancers tell the stories of the worlds across the vast ocean. I felt small, comforted in my smallness, as if for once in my life it was revealed to me that the sun did not rise nor set on my timeline but on my Father’s. Through the night’s endless mystery and wonder, I am brought back to the understanding that the busyness of the day is just that, and I am still a princess who has a better promise waiting than the pleasures of this world. Several bus trips from Tennessee and saying goodbye to the mountains of Colorado as they vanished into the darkness has all brought me to the same conclusion; I am astonished how the night has brought such knowledge.
When I was a child, I played for hours until it was too late in the night to even recognize that another human lived in my house. Many times in my exhaustion, I would just settle myself where I was playing and sleep. My dad had the habit of dragging me out into the dark mystery for ice cream, and we would sit and watch the Wal-Mart shoppers walk in and out going on with their lives. My favorite memories are of my dad and I sitting in that parking lot making up stories for the people we saw. How odd it is to see people walk from place to place, to take part in their life, and they never know it. When I was a child, I packed my bags during the night to leave my house. It was during the night that I crawled silently into a stranger’s house not knowing when I would be home. My tears were dried by my pillow’s softness, and the night became a gift… a time to recover my emotions and began again. Even the times when I could not even see because the darkness of my new situation was too great, I knew I was surrounded by my Father’s angels fighting for His daughter and His princess.
How is it that in the daylight hours a person can run from the truth but when the night comes all is revealed? Leaving the Kappa Sigma house on that cold evening I watched the stars as they guided me home. A life that was completely messed up was still being protected, still being cared for, and the truth was ever present, being told through the stars. It was in the solitude of the night that I could not run, and eventually, it was the solitude of the night when I chose to stop running. I had accepted the idea that I was not worthy of anything but had been given everything.As a person grows, their nights change. My nights describe my moment in life. My nights went from long phone conversations with lots of smiles and big plans to making it back by curfew and growing friendships with women across the United States. My nights went from the pain of living in a place of constant struggle to a group of family and friends that forced their way into a stone cold heart.
My nights have been filled with goodbyes and new adventures, and my nights contain me here where my Father has so carefully placed me. Where through steps of trust and faith, I have become a new creation rarely remembering the life I used to call my own. I have spent nights in the back of pick-up trucks and on docks beside lakes. I have taken chances and made some very stupid mistakes in the nights I have been given, and I have shared my life and room with several beautiful women and children that I have gotten to watch sleep soundly through the night. I am a fan of the nights, maybe too much. Right now I play quiet music while I pour my thoughts out onto a piece of paper while my amazing roommate and my beautiful Embery Bear dream in the room next to me. My life has truly been touched and blessed in so many ways. The book of
Proverbs simply states:
How HUGE is this statement? Here I stand, a scared child wondering what lies ahead. I have spent the last five years of my life in pursuit of an education degree, and now my passion is not even found there. I have no idea where I am going, and the changes that have occurred around me have been tremendous. They have been big enough, at least, that I feel as if I am playing catch up most of the time. God has revealed little to me this year and though I joke that He is watching carefully calling for my trust, I know that He is. He watches me and announces at every turn that He has given me every desire of my heart and I am silly for not realizing that He is providing a future and a hope for me, but I put out my desperate attempts thinking I can fix something that I have determined has went terribly wrong.
It is frustrating that I have found myself in this particular situation, but I was prepared for it and I firmly believe that I am being equipped for something huge. I have changed my mind at least a hundred times in the past month of what I want to do with my life, of who I am going to like, etc, and I have claimed peace over my life in the name of my Father who is the only one that provides true peace. I will win in this hour and the next because I am bound for sleep, but as for tomorrow the battle rages on. The Lord has called me a conqueror though, so I walk into the battle with my head held high knowing that what I contain is more important than anything the enemy can through at me. And when it gets all too hard, I remember that night in New York City where I fell asleep believing that dreams really can come true.
In Alabama, in the mountains, the nights brought a cool rest from the sun’s relentless fury. With only the soft sound of small fans posted at random bunks within the room, I would stare out at the leaves entangled in themselves dancing in the endless mountain wind. The feeling that I was the only one awake, the only one alive, the only one that ever had or was ever to exist comforted the ever present loneliness that resided in people called, “different.” I didn’t have to fight for survival at night. My thoughts were not interrupted at night. I could sit and pray, or I could sit and stare into the darkness searching for answers that were not coming from the wind or the trees: or maybe they were.
The same feeling, the same moment came in Ohio and Virginia, and standing with my toes barely touching the surf in Florida I watched the night dancers tell the stories of the worlds across the vast ocean. I felt small, comforted in my smallness, as if for once in my life it was revealed to me that the sun did not rise nor set on my timeline but on my Father’s. Through the night’s endless mystery and wonder, I am brought back to the understanding that the busyness of the day is just that, and I am still a princess who has a better promise waiting than the pleasures of this world. Several bus trips from Tennessee and saying goodbye to the mountains of Colorado as they vanished into the darkness has all brought me to the same conclusion; I am astonished how the night has brought such knowledge.
When I was a child, I played for hours until it was too late in the night to even recognize that another human lived in my house. Many times in my exhaustion, I would just settle myself where I was playing and sleep. My dad had the habit of dragging me out into the dark mystery for ice cream, and we would sit and watch the Wal-Mart shoppers walk in and out going on with their lives. My favorite memories are of my dad and I sitting in that parking lot making up stories for the people we saw. How odd it is to see people walk from place to place, to take part in their life, and they never know it. When I was a child, I packed my bags during the night to leave my house. It was during the night that I crawled silently into a stranger’s house not knowing when I would be home. My tears were dried by my pillow’s softness, and the night became a gift… a time to recover my emotions and began again. Even the times when I could not even see because the darkness of my new situation was too great, I knew I was surrounded by my Father’s angels fighting for His daughter and His princess.
How is it that in the daylight hours a person can run from the truth but when the night comes all is revealed? Leaving the Kappa Sigma house on that cold evening I watched the stars as they guided me home. A life that was completely messed up was still being protected, still being cared for, and the truth was ever present, being told through the stars. It was in the solitude of the night that I could not run, and eventually, it was the solitude of the night when I chose to stop running. I had accepted the idea that I was not worthy of anything but had been given everything.As a person grows, their nights change. My nights describe my moment in life. My nights went from long phone conversations with lots of smiles and big plans to making it back by curfew and growing friendships with women across the United States. My nights went from the pain of living in a place of constant struggle to a group of family and friends that forced their way into a stone cold heart.
My nights have been filled with goodbyes and new adventures, and my nights contain me here where my Father has so carefully placed me. Where through steps of trust and faith, I have become a new creation rarely remembering the life I used to call my own. I have spent nights in the back of pick-up trucks and on docks beside lakes. I have taken chances and made some very stupid mistakes in the nights I have been given, and I have shared my life and room with several beautiful women and children that I have gotten to watch sleep soundly through the night. I am a fan of the nights, maybe too much. Right now I play quiet music while I pour my thoughts out onto a piece of paper while my amazing roommate and my beautiful Embery Bear dream in the room next to me. My life has truly been touched and blessed in so many ways. The book of
Proverbs simply states:
“Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
(Proverbs 3:5-6)
How HUGE is this statement? Here I stand, a scared child wondering what lies ahead. I have spent the last five years of my life in pursuit of an education degree, and now my passion is not even found there. I have no idea where I am going, and the changes that have occurred around me have been tremendous. They have been big enough, at least, that I feel as if I am playing catch up most of the time. God has revealed little to me this year and though I joke that He is watching carefully calling for my trust, I know that He is. He watches me and announces at every turn that He has given me every desire of my heart and I am silly for not realizing that He is providing a future and a hope for me, but I put out my desperate attempts thinking I can fix something that I have determined has went terribly wrong.
It is frustrating that I have found myself in this particular situation, but I was prepared for it and I firmly believe that I am being equipped for something huge. I have changed my mind at least a hundred times in the past month of what I want to do with my life, of who I am going to like, etc, and I have claimed peace over my life in the name of my Father who is the only one that provides true peace. I will win in this hour and the next because I am bound for sleep, but as for tomorrow the battle rages on. The Lord has called me a conqueror though, so I walk into the battle with my head held high knowing that what I contain is more important than anything the enemy can through at me. And when it gets all too hard, I remember that night in New York City where I fell asleep believing that dreams really can come true.
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