Living with the Curse

"She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms..... And does not eat the bread of idleness." Proverbs 31:17 and Proverbs 31:27b

Ice cream is not the enemy. Smores, also, are not the enemy. Size 13 jeans are not the enemy as well. There are many things about my PCOS diease that sends me into tears: the fact I may never get pregnant again or that I may never actually have a healthy pregnancy scares me. However, one of the most evident side effects of this beautiful curse is that I can gain or lose 5-8 pounds in a day. My weight fluctuates constantly and most of the time if fluctuates toward the gain side. What a normal person can eat and be fine sends me into a coma of pain because my sugar levels rise and quickly consume me.

This post, however, is not about how my PCOS effects me on a daily basis. This post is about the enemy. The enemy that whispers in my head that you are not pretty enough because I am not thin. The enemy that once allowed into my head consumes my entire day taking the focus off of the oppurtunities that God has before me and placing them back on my selfish view of myself. And you know what... it is selfish. It is very selfish to look in front of a mirror for an hour or so deciding what you like and what you don't like about yourself. More than that, it is dangerous. We, as in women, are God's princesses! We are to be valued and loved, and we are to value and love. The woman in the Bible is always presented around amazingly beautiful things, BUT have your realized that there is nowhere in the Bible that tells women what their body type should be. At least I haven't found it. The only real reference I can find are the verses above.

When Solomon's mother told him what too look for in a wife, she didn't care to instruct him to find a wife that eats less then 1,000 calories a day and can fit into a size 2 jean. She told him to find someone that wasn't lazy, practiced self control, and strengthened her arms. So, it shouldn't matter that my tummy is rounder than others as long as I practice the things that Solomon was instructed to look for in a wife. Self Control: means not downing a dozen donuts a day... maybe one a week. Eat the bread of idleness: put something else in your schedule besides television watching. Instead of watching two hours of television, plan meals for the week... this helps with self-control! Strengthen her arms: It is okay to sweat. My husband likes the fact that I run and work-out... not because he has some dream of me being a tiny girl but because he likes to see me working hard. And overall.... it says in Proverbs 31:30 that beauty will fade, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. I mean, have you ever seen a woman who really fears the Lord... I mean stands in amazement of who her Father is? She is beautiful!

What This Does in My Life: My self-image of myself is a curse. There is no other way to explain this horrid event. I grew up with a mother who always wanted to be thinner and a dad who always wanted her and me to be thinner. From the time I was aware of what it meant to have a body, I wanted to be thinner, more beautiful, and better put together than I was. This haunts me still. Each day, it takes an effort to yell out... "It's not true." I have to call the liar a liar because I have too much to do in this world, and I do not have time to mess around with him. He is a liar. Somedays, most days, I let him get to me though, and I fall back in old familiar habits.... like watching every bite I put into my mouth... can we say eating disorder?

What This Does in the World: Next time you go to the mall, step into Hollister. Look at the girl clothing and pick up a size Large shirt (I say Large because you probably won't find an Extra Large). Now if you are one of those people that can fit into that shirt, awesome... but ask yourself, is this a normal size large for normal size girls. In my dance class the other day, I have a girl that is taller than I am and weighs 120 pounds. She determined that she needed to loose 30 pounds to be the perfect size. Another girl, who is actually smaller, complained that she was also too fat and needed to loose like 20 pounds! I was shocked... these girls were the kinda of tiny that makes you want to bring them home and feed them. These girls were complaining about being too fat. Well of course they were! We have let the enemy invade our young girls.

Reality: It is the older women's responsibility to protect these young girls. Titus 2:4 instructs older women to teach the younger women. Let us all now promise to end this curse.

Getting Ready for the Weekend

If you have nothing to do tonight and would like to come over for a Smore... please... feel free.

I'm Lucky to be In Love with My Best Friend...

So... I am up so late that tomorrow there is going to be a need for a serious dose of the amazing drug called coffee to prepare for my much adorable yet much frustrating students. Teaching Special Education has taught me so much... mostly plans are never to be set in concrete... they will always change on you at a moment's notice. Ummm... I guess I am not done learning that lesson.

A new creation and cool way to display pictures. Tree branch, vase, and some rocks or cool things to keep the branch in place... this attempt now lives in our kitchen.

My husband is asleep beside me, and I wonder at the amazement that is this man. He just started a blog, and you should read it... he is a man of little words (expect when you get into a car with him and then you cannot get him to shut up). His words are powerful though. Anyways, enough playing around right. I am honestly split on what I want to write about tonight, but I know that I must write. I could tell you that life is happening as always. Michael was blessed today by getting his first paycheck from his new job and finding that he was getting paid more than we previously thought. Another prayer request answered. Also, I have recently started working with the teenage girls at our church. I haven't began teaching yet, but I am watching and learning their personalities closely. Also, amazingly, we are only a few weeks away from Thanksgiving which is like the breaking point for the semester. We're almost done! Not to mention that I have went on a Martha Stewart nut job spree, and I cannot wait until Christmas (which is new and strange considering I have never really liked Christmas). My husband decided that we should start hosting house church, and interestingly enough, my husband has gotten me to agree to hosting two gatherings in the next week. I am still not quite sure how this incident occurred mind you, but I am excited about both. My father-in-law is gone to Romania with some fall smelling candles, deodorant, and cookie mix for the Oprises. I cannot wait to hear all the stories about the orphanage!

Fall is officialy here, and I have wanted to do nothing but walk around outside and admire the trees. I think back to last year which almost seems like a life time ago. I was a new teacher with my very first boyfriend. Now, I am a second year special education teacher who has grown in tremendous ways, I am a wife, and I got to be a momma for a little bit. Sometimes when I close my eyes tightly I imagine what our beautiful baby might look like when we see her in heaven. I know even as I write this moment, she is dancing around the throne of her Beloved Father. Today, I danced in my classroom while I lectured on Central America. Today, I grew a little stronger.

I feel like my husband and I are on the brink for something...something amazing, scary, and crazy! My husband... those are such cool words.

My husband is Michael Taylor Bean. He is almost 22 years-old, and he is barely over a year old in his Christian birth. When we were dating, he would wake up extra early so that he could get to my house in time to wake me up, make me coffee, and pray or read the Bible with me before I went into teaching world. My husband eats anything that I cook even when I have messed up so badly that I myself cannot eat. My husband only has to look at me for me to remember that I am indeed a beautiful princess of God. He laughs at me, dances with me in the kitchen (though he may not appreciate me telling you that little bit of information). My husband will adopt any child, teenager, or adult as his own. I have a sneaking feeling that one day we really will have someone random living with us... kinda like the random hitchhiker that we picked up not too long ago. My husband is learning so much from the Bible that it astounds me, and his wisdom comes out at the most entertaing and interesting times. For example, washing dishes is my husbands cue to spill all the wisdom that God is teaching him.

Michael Taylor Bean loves his family... they are really the most important thing to him, and he loves our extended non-blood related family. We really would have people over all the time if I did not put my foot down...haha. My husband will always be there when you call. He is a servant, and he has taken off work several times in the past to help people move or build things. My husband lets me listen to my random wierd Jazzy music, and he is always up for an adventure. My husband prays for us often, and he is always open to criticism. He tries so hard, and he is very brave. Michael loves people and making new friends; he is crazy good at basketball, and he owns only four pairs of socks.

Michael Taylor Bean is a harvester.

Michael waited a long time for me... almost over a year. I refused him so many times, but he patiently waited and loved. He loved me despite the fact I couldn't love him. It wasn't as if he needed to wait on me, there were so many other girls available for him. There were so many other girls around that I know would have treated him better at the time than I was. He waited though, and now he is mine and I am his.

Things...they do not always go according to plan. Very seldom is God logical. When Michael and I decided to date, there were so many people that were outraged at us. Not just one or two but several. Several who didn't understand and some who probably didn't care otherwise. But as I watch my husband sleep tonight... I know a little creepy... I think about the woman at the well. Jesus spoke to her when the idea of it was completely insane. Even she was shocked beyond belief. Thank the Lord above that He is not logical... or I may never have had salvation or a husband who loves me. My challenge.... take a walk on the water.

Chosing Joy....

Today, I'm thankful that....

1. I stayed up too late making pumpkin cookies last night, and they turned out really good.

2. We get to wear jeans all week at school because we are celebrating Breast Cancer Awareness.

3. Tonight is House Church, and I don't have to cook.

4. My house is clean.

5. I made a fall arrangement on my dinning room table with some corn from the store and grain from Momma Bean oh yeah... and of course pumpkins.

6. The smell of pumpkin fills my house.

7. I found a very expensive febreeze air freshner thing at Big Lots for only 4 dollars.

8. Once again, I did all of our grocery shopping for the next two weeks yesterday for only 80 dollars.

9. That it is gonna jump up to 80 degrees today... HAPPY FACE!

10. Monday is library day, and I get some time at school today to catch up on all the things I am behind on... which is a lot.

11. We drew Christmas names for two families yesterday... yay Christmas shopping!!!

12. Passion is only a couple of months away!

13. I have an amazing husband in Michael Taylor Bean.

14. I know now what it means to be pregnant. And I loved it!!!

15. I stumbled on the amazing music artist Ingrid Michaelson.

16. My husband will let me listen to Ingrid Michaelson.

17. My husband started a blog... www.mbasbestasican.blogspot.com

18. I have two amazing churches.

19. Tiffin Hubbard challenged all of us at church yesterday, and my husband and I are up for the challenge.

20. There is such a thing as a guitar.

Love will come Set me free... I do believe it will

My husband is the most amazing man on the face of the Earth. I can't say it enough. We were at a wedding yesterday, and my husband (who hates to dance with every bone in his body) danced with me most of the night. My saddest memory from our own wedding is that our DJ didn't show up, and we never got to really DANCE at our wedding. Since then, Michael has never missed a chance to dance with me.

However, this post is not about my husband, though I could talk about him forever. This post is about what God did for me before my husband was even around, before I knew who he was. See I have been studying the Proverbs 31 woman a lot lately, and it has come to me that there is no way to be like that woman without the help of God. Honestly, I was anything but the Proverbs 31 woman for most of my life. I married a fantastic man because he and God forgave.

A Few Months After Becoming A Christian

I sad a prayer at 8 years-old asking the Lord into my heart. Now some may say that I was saved from hell at that point, and maybe I was... but I was not a Christian. I didn't become a Christian until 11 LONG years later.

My parents did the best they could, but for most of my life I believed that you had to EARN love. I became perfect in so many ways. If you had seen me at school you would have been wowed. I played all the sports, in all the clubs, had straight A's, and I read my Bible all the time. I was perfect, and I felt that you had to be. However, my home life was crazy, and I was constantly being attacked by Satan. For any of you that do not believe in a spiritual world, let me sit down and talk with you for awhile, and you will have to believe after hearing some of the things I witnessed. I knew there was a Satan and I knew there was a God. I saw more than I would honestly care to remember. It was impossible to deny the existence of either.

I am not using this time to talk poorly about anyone in my life, but I will tell you the truth. During my life, I experienced many types of abuse and I have vivid memories or dreams of abuse that may or may not have happened. I will tell you this, those memories are hard to deal with and have had some impact in my life, but my past does not decide my future and just because my family was screwed up doesn't mean that I have to be screwed up either. I love my mom and dad with all my heart, and I believe that God gave them to me because HE knew they would do their best in raising me. My parents made mistakes but those mistakes are not life altering just curve balls. Those of you out there who complain about their life now because your past was bad, I would very kindly tell you to grow up. You get to make the choices now.

A Year and A Few Months After Becoming Saved

Things got interesting my senior year of high school. By this time my parents were divorced, and I barely ever saw my mother. I lived most of my life alone because my dad worked a lot, and I had friends but they were not the type of friends that would encourage me in Christ. I didn't go to church EVER... which is hard to think about now. I also was starting to consider living life without God on my side. I was more interested in guys and how to get quick satisfaction. I hurt a lot of people during this time in my life, and more than that I hurt myself. I became more sexually involved (though never really having sex); therefore, putting me in the most horrid type of bondage. I started sneaking out of the house on a regular basis, I began to lie creating a world of deception, and I began on a never ending circle downward.

I became very "messed up." Perfect Paula was gone... very gone. I started failing classes, I gained a TON of weight, and I started to become very sucidal. I tried to cry out, but teachers were more focused on my grades, and people were more focused on who I used to be... I could have never gone back to who I used to be because that person was fake and sick. A teacher of mine told my dad that I was on drugs, and life at home became more suffocating... yes that is the best word for it. I could only think of one thing... GET OUT!

I got a full paid scholarship at University of Arkansas at Fayetteville. I started as a Freshman with a hope of becoming better. I made some friends, and I attended classes. Lets get real though... we cannot fix ourselves. The same problems... they follow you. I began an addiction to alcohol very early in my college career. A few boys asked my roommate and I to their dorm where I was introduced to Gem Clear... one of the most dangerous alcohols you can drink. I became a pro at drinking it before the end of the year almost to the point of shooting it straight. Something I am not proud of... I was not the most virtious wife there.

Somehow I made it through my first semester of college without killing myself. God was there, I know He was... quietly calling my name. I was still constantly thinking about killing myself, alcohol became my new escape, and though I promised I would clean myself up... I became sexualy involved again... funny how that bondage never goes away. My dad found out a few things about my life away from home while I was at home over Christmas. We got into a huge fight and he threatened to throw me out of the house that instant if I went back to Fayetteville. As much as I hated living with my dad, if I had been smart I would have stayed with him, but nope... I went back. Life only got worse. I lied so much by this point I couldn't remember what was true and what was false. I stopped going to classes... literally I just didn't go. I partied so much that I never went more than a few days without being drunk. I had a dear friend attending UofA with me. He was a Kappa Sigma. We would drive back and forth from Fayetteville to home on breaks. I used to have a big crush on him, and he had a crush on me for awhile. I would party with him, and he would try to give me a safe place to stay if I got too wasted. I would talk to him about how life sucked and I just needed something from God, and how I wanted to do better for God. I told him how I knew there was another life out there and I just had to get there.

I Now Spend My Life Telling Young Girls About God and Who They Are in Christ

He died not too long ago... I never got to tell him about my relationship with Christ. I never told him how I finally had found out what that other life was. God gave me the chance... I talked to this friend a few days before his death. I was too afraid to share what God did... I will live with that forever.

You know... through so much of my pre-saved life I would ask God where He was. Life was hard, and I wanted to know where He was if He was suppossed to save us, but He was there. I was locked in a room once with a man I didn't know but who was stronger than I was. This man had me by the wrists and wouldn't let me go. I had wondered into this room drunk, and I now I couldn't get out. Somehow or another I got out of the room untouched... safe. That was God. Once, I was too drunk, and I decided to walk back to my dorm instead of staying at the Kappa Sig house. I was with a friend, but she was no better than I was. We ran into some guys on the walk home that for some REALLY STUPID reason, we got in the car with. They took us back to the dorm... but... lets just say the ride came with a price. I left again untouched and safe... God was there. Once, I decided to drive to Missourri in the middle of the night. However, I never got gas and ended up in the country very late without any gas. A few cops stopped me and eventually threw me out of the state and told me to go back to Arkansas. I had no gas... below E. I prayed to a God I hated to get me safely back to a gas station, and he did. God was there.

I can't believe that I am still alive. To make a long story from getting too much longer, I got kicked out of the UofA. I lost my scholarship. That summer, I ran away from home after amost drinking a bottle of pine sol. I went back to Fayetteville to get my scholarship back, but I didn't make good enough grades to keep it. I came home, and began to fall deeper... if that was possible. I began an emotional affair with a man that I worked with... he was married. He used to tell me that he wanted to break up with his wife and be with me. Thankfully, they are still married, and I don't have to list home wrecker on my list of things God had to forgive me for. I wasn't going back to college until Central Baptist College called me the day classes started and offered me a softball scholarship. I told them no thank you three different times before I finally agreed to go fill out the paper work. I started CBC, but I HATED CBC. I refused to be apart of the college. Life at home was getting crazier. It wasn't until the Winter that I finally turned to God. I was driving down a road very fast and flipped my car three times after losing control and spinning out. I came away with nothing but a bruise, and my car was total.... God and all of His angels were there. I became a Christian that day by simply saying, "God... I shouldn't be alive, but since I am, I dedicate my life to following You."

Thank God that He forgave and that He gave a man who also Forgave.

God has done so many miracles in my life since I gave it to Him. I am no longer afraid, I now have hope and no longer have any addictions or sucide thoughts. It has been a battle, but God continues to provide. I eventually saw a Christian counselor that helped me break all of the bondage that my family and myself placed me under. God is the only reason I can do anything.

Paula:: it means Little One Dependent on God.... "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73:28

In a minute... Michael Bean is going to come home with that goofy smile. He is going to wrap his arms around me, kiss me, and look me in the eye and tell me how amazing I am. I may even shed a tear of joy at the life that God has given me... yes it was a gift, and I did nothing to deserve this gift. Michael loves me with that unconditional love too... wow, I am so blessed.

May you all find your relationship with Christ... not ruled based religion, but a honest relationship where you can see your God as your Daddy.

This is the image I am constantly given... God, Daddy, with His arms opened wide and a smile on His face saying, come to me... I want you, and I love you. You are weak... quit acting like you are too good or too strong for me... come to me, and if you can't walk, call out My name, and I will come to you. Just call for me, and I will hold you in My arms... always and forever.

Thats a great love story.

14 Day meltdown

I wrote this soon after we had our miscarriage. Since the event, Michael and I have been doing well... but lately I have started feeling sick. I made another doctor's appointment and it sort of all came tumbling down. I took a pregnancy test today so that I could see the negative sign and be okay with it. I know that sounds wierd, but I felt like it was something that I had to do. I took the next couple of days off of work just to get it all back together... but I guess it never really gets all back together.

This night's not gonna end like we want it to.

Daddy is here hold my hand, and we are praying for you.

I know right now I can't hold you tight or kiss your face.

So baby of mine, if it's time to give up the fight.

Run as fast as you can, into His mighty hands.

The arms that love you so.

Don't stop or hesitate. I'll be with you one day.

He'll hug your tears away.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much it hurts, But since we are helpless, and there is no cure.

Run into the arms of Jesus.

You were gonna be a dancer, with a smile of gold.

So when you're there with Him, dance around the throne.

Tell Him we said hello, but we're jealous of Him.

Cause we're sitting in this hospital room, and He's holding you.

Run as fast as you can. Into His might hands. The arms that love you so.

Don't stop, no don't hesitate. I'll be with you one day.

He'll hug your tears away.

Mommy and Daddy didn't get a long time to be with you.

But we will always believe in you.

We will never know why God wanted back your smile.

Maybe you loved Him too much to leave His side.

But as tiny as you were, you still lived a big life.

Mommy and Daddy must go on now without you.

But you will always be our little angel.

So until the day comes when we are all together.

Run... run as fast as you can.

Finally able to write about Miscarriage

My baby died Sept. 29, 2011. There is no other way to say that. Five years ago I sat in a doctor's office listening to the pronouncement of a life altering disease. Poly Cystic Ovarian. I was confused, as any other 20 year old girl would be, but the diagnosis was played off as no big deal.



The doctor said, "Just try to lose weight, and oh yeah... it may be harder to have kids one day. No big deal."


I cried for days. I wanted babies, and what man was ever going to marry me when I couldn't give them children? I read in Timothy how a woman would be made whole through childbirth, and I cried out to my Lord in confusion. His reply? "My way are not your ways. Trust Me." And trust I did.


I met Michael, and the night before we decided we should date, I reminded him of my disease. I could not give him children. That is what the doctor said. Michael in his "Michael ways" just shrugged his shoulders... "then we will adopt. I love you."


September happened, and things started to get crazy. I left our stove on for two days when we went on a weekend trip. I was moody, hurt everywhere, and got sick everytime I got into a car. I started to gain a little belly fat, and my period was no where to be seen. I had taken a few pregnancy tests since Michael and I got married, but this time, something was different. I knew it, I was pregnant. I bought two pregnancy tests on my way home from school Monday, Sept. 26, but I just needed the plus sign to convince people. I had already felt my baby inside of me. I felt her light shinning bright. I felt her soul. I knew she was there, and all the way to the store and all the way home, I prayed over my baby. I dedicated the baby, the miracle to the God that had created such a miracle. I spoke good things over my baby. I started thinking about better ways to take care of myself. 8-10 glasses of water, five fruits and vegtables. Little to no sugar.



I was a momma. I became a momma on Sept. 26, 2011. No matter what this world says. I was a momma.



I soon had the plus signs to prove it, and when Michael called me to ask if he could go hang out with some friends, I bit my tounge... though I really wanted to scream it to the earth. To make sure I hadn't gone crazy, I drove as fast as I could to my sister-in-laws house. She read the plus signs, got really excited, let me borrow what to expect when expecting, and talked to me about everything that is baby. It was really happening. I went to church, ran to wal-mart (yes, I even shopped at the most hated wal-mart), bought Michael a "Daddy's Girl" shirt, and I surprised Michael by meeting him somewhere in Conway. When I gave him the shirt, he asked me why I would buy something like that. I told him the tests read positive. The most amazing man I have ever met had tears in his eyes. He held me tightly and praised God for this miracle. He was already a beaming father. If we had had the chance to hold this child, my husband would have been one of the proudest fathers on the planet. We told some family members the following couple of days.


Michael kissed my tummy every night before sleep and every morning before work.

Though we were trying to wait until my first doctor's appointment to tell people... word got around quickly.


Thursday morning came. Sometimes I wished it hadn't. I woke up feeling good. No bloating, and I could get my eggs down. It was around 10am that I saw the blood spots. I got on the internet and researched all I could. I called my doctor and made an appointment for the next day to just make sure. The doctor's reassurance on the other side of the phone didn't help much. The blood continued to spot all day. Michael got home, and we took a walk to get our minds off of things. It is a strange thing when you know that something bad is about to happen, and you can not do anything about it. At 9:00pm, I called out to my husband from the bathroom. We needed to get to the ER fast. I felt my baby slipping away from me.



The next few hours are still a little of a blur. There was family, lots of family. There was prayer, lots of prayer. Tears, lots ot tears, and everyone in the ER that night heard, "God is good all the time." We told people. We texted them... "We are pregnant. We were waiting to tell people. There are now complications. We are headed to the ER. Please pray." My husband and I knew though. As we watched our family around us and my dear mother making up other possible explanations. We knew. After a couple of hours, we finally got back into the ER. Once again, we prayed over our baby. I looked at Michael and told him that I could not feel her anymore. We asked God to take good care of her and to tell her that we love her everyday. We told her to tell Jesus we said hello and that we would see her soon.


My baby died Sept. 29, 2011.


Lots of people have offered the best comfort, and I am so grateful and thankful for each and every person that has lifted a prayer, said an encouraging word, brought food, shared a smile or a laugh. My husband and I are doing fine... better than fine. We named her Hope Ann Bean. We bought her a willow tree statue to remember. Michael got a new job, finally! Life happens.


More than anything though.... I just want the WHOLE WORLD to know, that this was a baby. This fetus as it is called had a soul, and in the short time this precious child was on this earth, she brought God more glory than most people do in a life time. There are nights that I tell God I want my baby back, but I know that He is still trust worthy. I cry out to you world, acknowledge a life when it becomes a life!!!! I cry out to you world, see children as a reward!!! They are not a curse, but they are a blessing. Christians... stand up! Walk in the Spirit and tell the world! What we are committing is murder.