While trying to figure out how to use my new camera, I took this picture at a concert. It isn't my favorite, but I love everybody's hands up and clapping and praising. It brought wonderful memories of Passion back where human trafficking was revealed to thousands upon thousands of people for the first time!

God and I had a chat this morning. I was in the kitchen making my oatmeal, and I was in the middle of my morning when I began to cry out to God for those who are in bondage right this moment. Very rarely do these incidents happen, but they come when I am not looking or expecting. I will be in the middle of everyday life, but then their voices will sound in my ear, and I find my attention focusing back on how big God is and the things He wants to do with my husband and me. My husband has these times too. He will be in prayer or in discussion about something, and silence will come over him. His heart just begins to break for the things that God has opened Michael's heart to see.

These times are hard but important. Here lately, God has been moving so quickly in Michael's and my life that we need a wake up call on occasion to remind us why we work so hard. God brings us to a place of complete humbleness so that we remember to recognize Him as all knowing and all control. We have no reason to worry because God knows! Yesterday, I got an amazing chance to speak out against human trafficking. This chance is something that I would never have dreamed of a few years ago when I first learned about trafficking, but God knew. He arranged the perfect timing by moving people's hearts, and finally He brought me into the picture with my wonderful husband. So yesterday, I was focused all day long on things that I needed to say and ways I needed to reach out to the community more. I spent all day working, but half way through the day, I got a text message about another dear friend being pregnant.

Ready, set, go spiritual warfare! I love hearing about my friend's babies, and I desire for all of my friends to get pregnant! It makes it hard though to hear these things when my own body refuses to hold a child. God used this time to remind me that He is in control over everything. He is in control of what Michael and I do to fight human trafficking, and He is in control over whether or not we have babies. Yesterday, I was told in order to get my voice heard more, I would need to get trained this summer. However, the training is right when Hope Ann would have been born. See, God knew that His timing was perfect. This doesn't mean I don't miss my baby or that I want children any less, but it means that God reminds me that He is in control. After a few tears, I picked myself up out of self-pity and pride and now I can praise God that my friend is pregnant.

I know that storms are going to come because my husband and I are open for God to use us, and the more that God is using us, the harder the storms. God protects, and we pray for His protection. We do not want our lives to be meaningless like the book of Ecclesiastes talks about. We want our lives to have a purpose, and when we die, we don't want to look back and think (man I lived so comfortably). I feel like I am getting to a point where I praise God more for the storms because I know that when the storms hit, we are being used. However, I appreciate light at the end of the tunnel just like anyone else, and I am happy to report that I am finding things about myself more and more that I thought I had lost the past two years.

I guess if I had to sum up this post I would say: tears are going to come, praise God. Joy is a choice, praise God. God loves us, knows us, and gives us rest, praise God. God opens doors for amazing things to happen when we decide to walk through them, praise God. Storms do not have to destroy us, praise God. God's timing is perfect, praise God.

Now comes the money raising portion of Michael and I's adventure (I hate this part)! To get a more in depth view of what Michael and I have been doing lately to fight human trafficking, click on the Wilderness Way tab, also new pictures up of a couple of beautiful girls in the Serendipity Photography tab!

In what ways has God been showing His love for you lately?

Come like a child to God so that He can give you rest.

Brokenness in the Bean House

I can't really explain where my heart is today. Yesterday, I began a blog post about the difference between God's leading and God's calling. I never finished the post because honestly, it sounded boring. The technical explanation is always horrid compared to the real life version right?

A long time ago someone explained to me that God doesn't call us to anything except to Him. He leads our path. Sometimes, He directs that path in very different directions than what we intended. For example, a few years ago I thought I was going to become a youth pastor's wife and help teenagers. Then I watched an inspirational movie and decided that instead of being a youth pastor's wife, God wanted me to be a teacher. Now after two years of teaching, I am saying goodbye again to one life adventure and trying to raise money to fly out to California to become an key component in the fight against human trafficking. Don't even get me started on marriage because there was no way I could know that the strange boy I accidentally went on a date with three and a half years ago would now be my husband.

I am so thankful that God leads us and calls us to Himself. I feel like my trust in the Heavenly Father would be altered if I believed that He called us to different ministries, situations, or people. Each change in the plan would send me on a spiraling wave asking Him why my "calling" was changing. That is what they called in the churches I occasionally visited during my pre-believer life. I honestly do not even know how often that the word gets thrown around nowadays, but this is where my heart is.

It is always hard to be led away from something. I am not really sure if the pain ever gets easier. I think as we grow as believers, we handle the pain better, but it doesn't get easier... this I am sure. The last night I spent in my hippy apartment that was home to so many, I cried. So once again, I sit in my living room looking at our beautiful house, and I have a feeling we are being prepared to be led away again. We are now being led away from safety of two incomes and the picture perfect white picket fence lifestyle.

But the more I think about it... that kind of life seems horrible.

The unsure feels safer now because I can hope and trust in Him instead of trusting in what I can only see.

In an effort to rediscover some of my loves that I have lost over the past couple of years, I picked up my old running shoes yesterday and hit the gym. I started a new running program that honestly kicked my butt! It felt so good though to be back on the track, to be praying, to be loving and pushing. I missed those little dates with God, and I have realized the importance of those dates is immeasurable. After my run, I just thanked God that there is still hope. His timing is perfect, and He knows all things... even in brokenness.

My husband and I are experience a time of brokenness. God is giving us some hard truths about spiritual warfare and people... especially our little family. God is leading us to more wisdom, and when I got on my computer there was an ad pulled up for Bsecure Internet protection. That was definitely not something I thought I would have ever seen on our computer, but my husband is clueing into some serious spiritual things. My husband and I are also having to say goodbye to some people in our lives so that we can focus more on the people God has led us to, and each day I realize how quickly my time with my students is fading.

God is using this time of brokenness to bring my husband and I closer together and closer to Him which is so important considering the life that is coming at us. Again, I feel like the little girl in my hippy apartment saying goodbye. I want to cry, but I know that God is faithful.

So here we go!

How Great is Our God

I am bowing...

I am bowing on my knees to pray for a broken world.

I am bowing to kiss the tears away on a little brown cheek.

I am bowing in humbleness to a God who has given me so much.

I am bowing in submission to a God and a husband who tells me to go.

I am holding...

I am holding my Bible.

I am holding on to hope.

I am holding the world in my arms when I fall asleep at night.

I am holding precious children of all races and all backgrounds.

I am watching...

I am watching the sun rise on a new day.

I am watching my husband carry food boxes to the poor.

I am watching God answering the prayers of His people.

I am watching justice being served.

I am speaking...

I am speaking God's words into teenagers desperate for hope.

I am speaking against the enemy in the name of Father.

I am speaking against a white picket fence lifestyle.

I am speaking for those who are the hidden victims.

I am listening...

I am listening to my husband.

I am listening to those that have went before me.

I am listening to the words of God being spoken in all languages.

I am listening to the laughter of children from an upstairs bedroom.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD

HOW GREAT IS IT THAT WE CAN DO NOTHING APART FROM HIM, BUT EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM.

Overwhelmed by Love

There are new photos under the Serendipity Photography tab, new recipe under Living with PCOS tab, and there is a new Paula creation under the Her Own Hands Design tab. Please, check it out!

There are many things that I am just amazed about today...

Prayer is an amazing tool for peace and taking thoughts captive.

For the first time in a long time, I am not driving myself crazy wondering if I am pregnant or not. There is just a peace that has came over me with the knowledge that God is hearing the prayers of many families all around the United States as well as the prayers going up in on our house. I am settled with hope. That is an amazing place to be.

Miracles happen at Pitza42

Yesterday, before my husband went to class, we went to eat at Pitza42 in Conway. I love this place because they are focused on making a difference in the lives of hungry children. However, blessings happen right in the store as well. When my husband and I got to the counter to pay, the cashier smiled at us and said, "Someone just came and paid for four meals for couples today. You just got the first, so your meal is paid for." I laugh at my reaction now, but in a shocked voice I asked, "are you serious?!" The cashier just laughed at me. We were thankful for our free meal, but we were blessed by the giving heart of some stranger, and now my husband and I are trying to come up with some ideas that we can pay it forward.

I love being an Aunt

There is just something special about being called Aunt Paula (or Aunt PawPaw). Even the baby smiles when she sees me, and my life gets a little bit better. Those little girls (all SIX of them) challenge me to be a better person. I also am learning great tools for when I become a parent. I haven't changed a poopy diper yet... that will take some work.

My husband is an amazing man who is a great dancer.

After my husband got out of class, he took me to my great Valentine's surprise. He took me dancing to this little country "old-people" dance hall. We had the BEST time, though we didn't actually dance a whole lot. It reminded me of when my Aunt Nell would take me to her dance hall. My husband and I made up stories for all the people there. It was a great time.

I am overwhelmed by Love. Sweet phone messages from a friend named Erin who I haven't seen in years, and sweet words from friends right down the street filled my day, and I cannot believe I serve a God that has given me so much. May all of your days be blessed... of course, they probably already are.

Snow Day

Before I begin, I must say that I thought long and hard the other day about shutting down my blog. Writing is apart of my very being. It is a gift, and I cherish my gift. However, it seems that with the internet age came a desire for everyone to cherish some kind of "artsy" gift. A good friend and I went on an amazing date with our husbands the other night, and while our husbands tried to navigate their way around Little Rock, we talked photography. My husband bought me a new camera, and I have already lined up people (that I am not charging by the way) to take pictures. However, buying the camera was a difficult decision because everybody now thinks they are a photographer. I asked my friend (who is a fantastic photographer) if it ever irritated her that everyone was trying to be a photographer now, and she replied, "it only irritates me when people who do not want to study the art think that they can just snap some pictures and be called a professional."

This was a reality check for me, so the following days, I engulfed myself in research about the new camera. I also decided that instead of closing my blog, I would just fix it up a little. I would rearrange material so that everything is organized and has an appropriate place. That is why I new have "picture tabs" on the side bar of my blog. Each one of these pictures will take you to a new page where you can either see new things that I am creating, pictures, updates on ministry, and interesting things I discover about living with PCOS. Most of these pages are still under construction, but I am excited that instead of stepping back because now everyone is a designer, writer, or photographer, I am stepping out in courage dedicated to learning the arts. Even if the only thing I ever write is on here or the only photos I ever take is that of family and friends, the learning part is the adventure. I never want to look back on my life someday and think, "I wish I had learned to do whatever, but I was too afraid to try."

Learning new things is difficult. It comes with frustration and lots of embarrasing moments. Learning comes with failures, and we cannot be afraid of failures. Last night, while my husband and I prayed, I asked God to reveal the parts of my personality that I have let slip or fall away. I asked God to help me rediscover the person I was because I feel like in a lot of ways, I have lost some part of me these past two years. Maybe it is because I got what my dad likes to call a "big person job" or maybe it is because I have become afraid of being embarrassed or failing.

Yesterday was a snow day, and to celebrate, my husband and I spent the day with my sister-in-laws and our sweet nieces. The whole day was pending one phone call. See, my husband and I want to be parents very badly, and when my body started having all the classic symptoms of being prego (again), I was convinced that I was in fact "with child." However, all the tests I took were negative, but I didn't care, I was sure. I went to the doctor on Friday for a blood test, and the doctor revealed to me that he couldn't call until Monday or yesterday. When the doctor called, it was a negative. I was so embarrassed. My sister-in-law was convinced I was pregnant, and I had already dreamed of ways to tell my family. My husband and I held eachother and cried. I wanted to give him a child, and I felt like a failure because my body will not allow me to get pregnant. Failure and embarrassment. However, I have never asked anyone to pray that we concive because I too afraid to hope that through prayer and petition that God may actually give me a child. I was too afraid to trust the person that God created me to be.

So I came out of my wonderful snow day with a good lesson in prayer and submission to God, and now I pray that God will allow my womb to open for a child. I invite you all to pray with me. Prayer is a rebellion against feelings of lost hope, and I know my Father. He is faithful. I know there are lots of things you want to say like, "maybe you guys should adopt," "God answers prayers differently than we desire," "God's timing is not our timing, and you are so young." Believe me, whatever words of advice you have to give, I have heard since the day I found out that my PCOS may enable me to get pregnant. I am not asking for advice, I am asking for prayer. I am asking that all who read this blog step out in faith and ask God to open my womb and give my husband and I a child. I am asking you all to thank God that He is bigger and wiser and better than we can ever imagine, and I am asking you to ask Him for a miracle.


Thank You.

Wordless Wednesday: Actually, just trying to get okay taking pictures