Snow Day

Before I begin, I must say that I thought long and hard the other day about shutting down my blog. Writing is apart of my very being. It is a gift, and I cherish my gift. However, it seems that with the internet age came a desire for everyone to cherish some kind of "artsy" gift. A good friend and I went on an amazing date with our husbands the other night, and while our husbands tried to navigate their way around Little Rock, we talked photography. My husband bought me a new camera, and I have already lined up people (that I am not charging by the way) to take pictures. However, buying the camera was a difficult decision because everybody now thinks they are a photographer. I asked my friend (who is a fantastic photographer) if it ever irritated her that everyone was trying to be a photographer now, and she replied, "it only irritates me when people who do not want to study the art think that they can just snap some pictures and be called a professional."

This was a reality check for me, so the following days, I engulfed myself in research about the new camera. I also decided that instead of closing my blog, I would just fix it up a little. I would rearrange material so that everything is organized and has an appropriate place. That is why I new have "picture tabs" on the side bar of my blog. Each one of these pictures will take you to a new page where you can either see new things that I am creating, pictures, updates on ministry, and interesting things I discover about living with PCOS. Most of these pages are still under construction, but I am excited that instead of stepping back because now everyone is a designer, writer, or photographer, I am stepping out in courage dedicated to learning the arts. Even if the only thing I ever write is on here or the only photos I ever take is that of family and friends, the learning part is the adventure. I never want to look back on my life someday and think, "I wish I had learned to do whatever, but I was too afraid to try."

Learning new things is difficult. It comes with frustration and lots of embarrasing moments. Learning comes with failures, and we cannot be afraid of failures. Last night, while my husband and I prayed, I asked God to reveal the parts of my personality that I have let slip or fall away. I asked God to help me rediscover the person I was because I feel like in a lot of ways, I have lost some part of me these past two years. Maybe it is because I got what my dad likes to call a "big person job" or maybe it is because I have become afraid of being embarrassed or failing.

Yesterday was a snow day, and to celebrate, my husband and I spent the day with my sister-in-laws and our sweet nieces. The whole day was pending one phone call. See, my husband and I want to be parents very badly, and when my body started having all the classic symptoms of being prego (again), I was convinced that I was in fact "with child." However, all the tests I took were negative, but I didn't care, I was sure. I went to the doctor on Friday for a blood test, and the doctor revealed to me that he couldn't call until Monday or yesterday. When the doctor called, it was a negative. I was so embarrassed. My sister-in-law was convinced I was pregnant, and I had already dreamed of ways to tell my family. My husband and I held eachother and cried. I wanted to give him a child, and I felt like a failure because my body will not allow me to get pregnant. Failure and embarrassment. However, I have never asked anyone to pray that we concive because I too afraid to hope that through prayer and petition that God may actually give me a child. I was too afraid to trust the person that God created me to be.

So I came out of my wonderful snow day with a good lesson in prayer and submission to God, and now I pray that God will allow my womb to open for a child. I invite you all to pray with me. Prayer is a rebellion against feelings of lost hope, and I know my Father. He is faithful. I know there are lots of things you want to say like, "maybe you guys should adopt," "God answers prayers differently than we desire," "God's timing is not our timing, and you are so young." Believe me, whatever words of advice you have to give, I have heard since the day I found out that my PCOS may enable me to get pregnant. I am not asking for advice, I am asking for prayer. I am asking that all who read this blog step out in faith and ask God to open my womb and give my husband and I a child. I am asking you all to thank God that He is bigger and wiser and better than we can ever imagine, and I am asking you to ask Him for a miracle.


Thank You.