This is my Heart

Happy New Year's Eve!

I am a person who loves to celebrate, and this holiday is no exception! Michael and I are at this moment hanging out in the hotel recovering from last night's outreach and preparing for tonight when we will get to go down town Atlanta to watch the Peach drop, which I am oddly very excited about. Michael and I were given some gift cards to a few restaurants for Christmas, and we have decided that we are going to get dressed up, and spend the night on a sweet date that is much needed. What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Do you have any traditions. Our family used to always eat black eyed peas, greens, and toast in the New Year with Sparkling Grape Juice. We used to announce our New Year's resolutions or goals, and when I was a child, we would have huge sleepovers where we would crown the New Year's Baby. It was a big deal. Before Michael and I left for Atlanta, I cooked a batch of black eyed peas, and I made a salad. I bought some Sparkling Grape Juice for our New Year's toast tomorrow. Michael laughs at me because of all my "celebrating," but in my eyes if we didn't celebrate this world may become too much for us. Chosing joy is important, and when my kids are grown I want each of them to say, "Mom made holidays fun!"

Last night, Michael and I went on our last night of outreach. During prayer time I found myself praying that God would raise His name higher and make less of me. I guess it is normal for a lot of people who spend time in ministry to get a certain arrogance about them. I have seen this take place in several people before, and I have noticed these feelings in my own heart. I am thankful for the wisdom that God has granted me to notice and pray against as soon as I feel pride and arrogance creeping up inside of me because the reality is, we can do nothing. Christ works through us, but He doesn't need us. We get to be apart of His story. I am thankful that He loves me and my husband enough to make us apart of His story.

Honestly, both Michael and I left outreach last night feeling very frustrated. Our prayer time before outreach was beautiful. Michael and I got to pray for each other, and God gave me words for Nightlight that I was allowed to pray over them, and I was given a vision from some scripture that I read earlier this week. My vision came from Pslams 3:5-6. The scripture reads, "I lie down and sleep, I wake again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side." I picture myself in the middle of thousand of people ready to assail me and destroy me, and on my face is a smile because I fear not for the Lord is with me. Then I pray that those who wish to destroy me see the battle they are about to enrage in and suddenly their eyes are open to see hundreds of thousands of angels ready to fight and destroy. There is no fear. This is the picture I was given, and I was sure the Lord was going to give me courage to speak great things to people.

However, the instant we set out I was silenced. The first club we tried to get into, they only let a few people in on occassion. I was one of those chosen to enter, but when we got to the door, it was the same story. We had come too late, and we were not going to be allowed in the club to see the girls. We dropped off some gifts with the house mom. We got to pray for her, and there were two men with us that got to pray with the bouncers. We went out to eat after leaving the first club, and I still felt wonderful. Michael was busily talking to the other men, and I was delighted to see how comfortable my husband is in talking with strangers when I am more timid and shy. However, after we ate, we sat around for a long time. I suddenly became sick to the point of wanting to vomit, and my head ached severly. I prayed over my body, but I was hurting so badly that I couldn't even focus. I lost control of my emotions and became sad and frustrated that it was evident that I was not going to be well enough to pray and focus like I wanted to so badly. I have been feeling poorly all week, so I was not completely shocked.

When we finally left the restaurant, our team leader decided that we should go back to a club that we visited last weekend. A part of me was excited because there was a girl there that I would have loved to see again, but a part of me was very discouraged. This club is very welcoming to us. The owner is a believer (another story for another time), so she welcomes us every time we come. Michael could tell that I was hurting and frustrated, so he kept whispering patience in my ear. We walked into the club, and I went straight to the back of the dressing room. The girl I was looking for wasn't present though. I bounced around the room trying to make relationships with the girls, but something was just off. Do you know what I mean when stuff is just off? I talked to a few girls, but I am sad to say that I didn't pray over any of them. One of the girls was talking about how whenever someone prays for her that it always comes true. Almost like magic, and she was just amazed. I was frustrated to hear my God talked about like he was a quarter machine, but I was too sick and tired to process everything. I talked to a couple of sweet girls who were much younger than I am and barely legal. I asked one of them if she had any plans for school or anything. She had just graduated high school. I talked to another one that spent Christmas alone because she didn't have any family around here because she just decided one time that she was tired of living at home and took off. She found herself in Atlanta. I prayed the Lord's name over the area. There is freedom in His name. These girls needed freedom. That is all I wanted for them, but that is all I want for anyone that doesn't know the Lord. Freedom.

After we left the club, which honestly we took a lot longer than my selfish patience would have liked, we traveled to a trailer park. I was told that once upon a time a lot of prostitution took place here, but most of the prostitution has left and now there is a lot of drug dealing. However, where we were there were a lot of children. The trailers were some of the worse I have ever seen. I have no idea if they would have even been considered livable. There were a few that were okay, but mostly it was like a scrap pile. A few of the trailers (even the ones with boards covering the holes to keep out the cold) had Christmas lights and trees in the windows. It brought joy to my heart. This is the time of year where everyone is in search for joy. What better set up for those trying to spread the love of Christ. Our mission was to walk through and pray for the homes. Michael and I walked hand in hand without fear (God granted so much courage) and prayed for the community.

I know this is a long post, but God taught me so much last night, and I was thankful. It is hard processing through the information, but God woke me up this morning and took me to these verses in Ecclesiastes 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." A time for war and a time for peace. That is what outreach is, war. It is spiritual warfare, and it is a battle field. There is a time for laughter, fun and silliness. There is a time for preperation, but then there is a time for war, and when you are in battle, you have to be in battle. War should not take place all the time, but when war does happen, you must be focus. These times come through the Lord, so when the Lord gives you times of peace you take advantage and live in joy, but when the Lord brings you a battle, you focus and you battle. That is what God taught me in the trailer park.

After the trailer park, I got into the van, and sadly but because of God's divine appointment, I did not leave the van. We went to two other places that are basically what we would call whore houses. We had some interesing run ins with the police, but Michael and I stayed where God had us at in the moment. I want to be frustrated and ashamed at the thought that I didn't do more, but honestly it isn't "me" anyways. It is God, and I just get to be apart of the whole thing. I do not know if Michael and I will ever do this type of ministry ever again. I wish I could tell you that God gave us this great vision, and we are on our way to changing the world. God is not ready for us to have that knowledge though. Michael and I will bring what we learned (which is a lot) back home with us, and we will share our testimonies to whoever will want to listen, but in the end I have realized now that GOD is in control of time. My word for 2012 will be timing. God's timing is perfect, and I just need to be patient in my anticipation of what He is doing.

Anyhow, thank you for reading my words... they were many. Thank you for your prayers. We have five more days in Atlanta where we will get to experience Passion. Ironically enough, one of our team members just got invited to speak at Passion. I am excited for her, and God gave me words to pray for her. We are now gonna get all fancied up and go experience Atlanta New Year's Eve.

I leave you with this...

"Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on His law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit IN SEASON and whose leaf does not wither whaterever they do prospers." Psalm 1

Have you ever been in a Brothel?

The view from our window at the hotel. We are right across from the airport, so we get to watch planes take off and land.

Have you ever walked through a brothel? I mean a REAL brothel. I could have said that I never had, but last night when the main club we were trying to get into told us that we couldn't come, the team leaders decided that we would go to this extended stay hotel. However, it wasn't like the hotel we had seen earlier in the day. There were no precious babies, or at least we didn't see any at the time. As soon as we walked into the hotel, I knew there was a difference. I cannot write in depth about what I saw. However; I can tell you that there were many cars and trucks parked outside of this brothel (that is what I eventually found out the hotel was), but you don't see very many people. I feel like all we really saw was 10-15 people, men and women. I was honored by God to finally find the courage to pray for one woman. It was easier to start conversations because we had Christmas gifts to bring them, but my naivete still showed when I asked a woman why her sister couldn't come out to meet us to get her gift. The woman just laughed at me. If I was her, I would have probably lauged too. Eventually the man behind the desk allowed us to walk the hallways. We do not pray for these areas to be shut down because then the women and the men would just go somewhere else. We pray for the transformation of the already open establishments. We also pour business into the establishments that are providing jobs that do not include sexual bondage. That is why we drove right into the red light district to eat at Waffle House after prayer time.

As we walked the halls, I prayed. Michael came with us, but he had to stand in the back of the line, and I was so thankful that he came. Another man was with the group, but he was with another group of women downstairs. One word came to me once it was all over and done with...

Inhuman

The people we saw walking around definitely didn't seem natural. You could tell that the bondage on these people was so tight that they couldn't tell fact from fiction. Maybe that is why they result to drug use. Anways, we are about to have to leave again, so I am going to have to make this quick.

After the brothel, we went to a club. God finally got me to a place where I was courageous to pray and speak, but I still felt very rushed in everything that I did. The girls needed to make money and who I am to keep them from the very thing that is going to put food in their babies' mouths. I had to become the master of small talk. The questions I hate most in the world became the most important. I met so many girls with so many dreams and taking their clothes off for men was definitely not one of those dreams.

I am so thankful for God that this morning Michael and I can smile and laugh and enjoy our Christmas Eve on the road. He alone has given us much peace about our work here. I am thankful that other men attended last night giving Michael someone to pray with in the parking lots. I am thankful that Michael is a servant. God is good all the time, and there is FREEDOM in HIS NAME. That is the one thing I kept praying over everyone and every place.

I will leave you with this: 1 Tessalonians 5:12-19

12 And we urge you, brethren, to recognize those who labor among you, and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, 13 and to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. Be at peace among yourselves. 14 Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. 15 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not despise prophecies. 21 Test all things; hold fast what is good. 22 Abstain from every form of evil.

Waking up(ish) Saturday morning. It feels so good to finally get some consistent sleep.

I should be sleeping....

Regretfully, the picture above is the only picture I have of our trip thus far, and it was taken at our home. However, I wanted to share how grateful Michael and I are for the blessings that our friends and family have bestowed upon us while we were preparing for this trip.

I wish I could have more pictures. I wish I had pictures of the little babies that I got to kiss, tickle, and love on this afternoon. I wish I had pictures of Michael carrying two or three boxes of food across the street to the hotel/shelter/housing area. (We were really not sure exactly what it was.) I wish I even had pictures of the traveling itself, but honestly, it feels like I woke up around 10am yesterday, and have not stopped moving. God has been good to us as far as travels go, and Michael and I (though tired) really do have a lot of energy coming from Him alone, and we pray this energy sustains until we finally get to rest again tonight.

We finally arrived in Atlanta today a few minutes late because we forgot about the time change. We drove straight into the church parking lot changing at a gas station a few miles away. We took turns sleeping and driving, and we did stop in Alabama at a friend's home to get a couple of hours rest in a real bed. As soon as we got to the church it was go-time. We were bussed to a warehouse where there seemed a few hundred people were gathered awaiting the "Christmas Party." There was a place for children to get haircuts, inflateables, a Santa Claus where you could get a picture, a food bank where you could pick up a few boxes of food, an area to get clothes, an area to get some pizza and something to drink, and finally, a prayer tent. I honestly did not get to watch a whole lot of the action. Michael and I were put to work almost immediately. Three different areas were invited. They live in what was explained as hotels, but I'm not very sure if the hotels themselves are still in business.

I don't have much longer. We have to get up from our nap, get dressed in warmish clothes, and then head back out. I am going to beg Michael to stop at a Starbucks! We go out on the streets tonight, and when we return I will post again as soon as I am able to explain what my heart is struggling with. Michael and I are safe. We are staying in a good place, and we are having a blast. Thank you for all of your prayers.

What Makes a Man a Man?

What makes a man a man?

Does mere adulthood qualify a man to be considered/called a man?

I am teaching Economics to my special education students next semester… now there’s a laugh. I took that course in college, and I struggled to understand. However, the most important thing is supply and demand right?

Supply and Demand.

Supply and DEMAND.

The sex industry and human trafficking is a multiBILLION dollar industry.

Supply and Demand.

I am beginning to believe that if God actually does continue to direct my husband and me into this particular type of ministry, my husband may actually have a more important role than I have. My job is to tell girls that there is freedom in the love of Christ and that He can break the bondage that these girls may have been placed in at a very early age. My job is to offer a way out and defeat the lies the enemy feeds into their heads about there being no way out of the industry once you either willing step in or get thrown in.

However, according to economics if there was no DEMAND than there would not be a need for a SUPPLY.

Right?

So then, is my husband’s job to find a way to decrease the demand?

I heard once that the men that travel to Thailand to visit the red light districts usually go on business trips. This means that these particular men are the men out there that are making the big money. These are the men that unknowing college students desire to be like. These are the real “men” of our society.

Is that what a man is though… someone who makes a lot of money?

Men were naturally made stronger than women so that men could protect women. Why, then, are there women too afraid to speak about the bruises that they bear?

I have spoken with women before who long to be at home taking care of their house and their children, but because of the money choices when it has come to debt, these women must continue working.

I am not a “man-hater.” I do battle between feelings of hate and disgust and feelings of grief when I think about the men out there. Did anybody teach them what it means to be a man, husband, or father? My heart breaks for them, and I fall on my knees in thanksgiving that my husband’s father stood by his sons. He taught them the value of work. He taught them how to hold a child, love their wives, and my wonderful mother-in-law taught her sons how to respect.

In my house, a courageous man lives. A man who prays, laughs, cleans, and loves. A man who is patient and kind hangs his keys in my hallway. A man who seeks wisdom from the word of God and works until his whole body hurts sleeps in my bed. A man who is never too tired to play or go on crazy adventures eats at my table. A man who is quick to forgive holds my hand when we pray. A man who leads a family in truth and not in manipulation or force wakes me up every morning with a smile and on occasion, breakfast.

I am able to be this Proverbs 31 woman the Bible declares because of the God I serve and the man I share my life with.

Michael and I's First Christmas(ish)

Because Michael and I are leaving for Atlanta the night before Christmas Eve and we will be spending most of the holidays on the road, with friends, or at an hotel, we decided that we would celebrate Christmas a weekend early. We had a great time celebrating our very first Christmas as a married couple together. We drove around town delivering gifts to family and friends, and we even made a few unexpected stops. Here are a few pictures of our night together.

I made finger food for dinner because I just get so sick of eating around the holidays, but after Michael and I were on our way home, we were too hungry for just finger foods. We ended up ordering a pizza from Pizza Hut and sharing a couple of cokes from glass bottles. It was a good Christmas Eve dinner!

We decided instead of sleeping in our bed, a better option would be to make a pallett on the floor so that we could watch a movie and fall asleep under the Christmas lights. Problem #1 was that we were so excited about opening Christmas presents that it was hard to stay asleep. Problem #2 is that we have concrete floors. Next year, we are buying an air matress.

Starting new traditions is a great joy in my new little family. Also taking some old traditions from the past and incorporating them into my life now is so much fun. We get to open one gift on Christmas Eve. :) This was my gift, and they were beautiful pajamas. Michael got to open up his pajamas as well. Another tradition Michael and I are trying to start is that we each have to make one gift. This year I got a whole bunch of spices in my stocking because Michael had made me this beautiful spice rack. It isn't quite finished. I get to paint it myself.

Michael opening his big gift. I guess we are on our way to being a musical family.
My big gift was a new Bible, and it had my married name on it!

Stocking Suffers

No Catchy title... Just the Facts: Atlanta Trip

In 16 days, my husband and I will land in the great city of Atlanta, Georgia. I have only been there twice before, but there is a feeling about any city that I just can't shake. Though, I will always desire to live in the country, the city is such a great mission field. My heart breaks for the city, but "there is hope" to quote Mrs. Beaver from Narnia. My husband and I are going to enjoy the city while we are there, I'm not gonna lie. I guess that would be the "trip" part of the word "mission trip."

Maybe that is why they call it a "mission trip?" Oh well...

However, my husband and I are not going to Atlanta for just a trip, my husband and I are going to go to Atlanta to serve with Nightlight International Atlanta. www.nightlightinternational.org

Haha, I say serve. I am pretty sure for the most part both my husband and I will be silent praying that we remember all of the rules and regulations Nightlight sent us and hoping to learn as much as we can from an organization who is making a huge difference in the red light districts of Atlanta, Los Angles, and Thailand. Both Michael and I are excited about the oppurtunity, but to say that we were not afraid would be lying.

So What Will We Be Doing?

Michael and I will be working with both the internvention and prevention teams. We will be helping Nightlight with a Christmas party that they are hosting for at-risk youth in the Atlanta area. We will also be going out with their outreach program both Friday nights that we are in town. Nightlight's outreach program goes into the two major redlight districts of Atlanta and prays with the girls who are caught up in the sex industry.

Why Are We Doing This?

We feel like God has led our hearts to this type of ministry, and for the sake of me I do not know why He would pick us, but we are trying to stay unafraid and open to God's voice. Michael and I have discussed several times that we would like to open a camp or safe house for girls and children coming out of human trafficking or the sex industry. We are really not sure which as of yet, but they sort of go hand in hand. Michael and I have gotten to spend a little time in the last year working under the leadership of Not For Sale Arkansas, but with my busy school schedule, we have had to put our work on hold for a little while. Nightlight Atlanta has set up relationships with most of the club owners in the red light districts, however, so they have a different type of ministry happening. Michael and I both feel like we will get a better insight to this type of work by going to Atlanta and working under Nightlight. However, that is not to say that Michael and I are not very aware that we have major issues of this sort occuring in Arkansas as well. Believe me, the feeling I get from being in Atlanta is the same feeling I get by being in Conway. There is just something about the city.

Schedule?

Thursday 22nd: Michael and I leave for Alabama

Friday 23rd: Michael and I arrive in Atlanta. Christmas Party. First Outreach.

Saturday (early morning) 24th: Michael and I travel back to Alabama.

Sunday 25th (Merry Christmas): Michael and I travel back to Arkansas.

Thursday 29th: Michael and I travel back to Alabama.

Friday the 30th: Michael and I travel back to Atlanta. 2nd Outreach.

Saturday 31 (happy New Year's Eve): Michael and I will watch the Peach Drop!

Sunday 1: Michael and I will tailgate for our first NFL game, whether or not we attend is still in Debate.

Monday 2-Thursday 5: Michael and I attend Passion 2012

www.268generation.com

Needs?

God has provided more than enough for this trip! The only thing Michael and I asked for was that our friends and family purchase gas cards for us this year for Christmas, and if you feel led to pray our specific prayer needs are as follows :

That the ministry be blessed with an abundance of men when Michael and I go. The men sit in the parking lots when the women go into the clubs. I am afraid of Michael being in the parking lot by himself.

That our car/truck make both trips without any problems.

That Michael and I can remember all the rules and regulations concerning our behavior.

Finally, that we are slow to speak and quick to listen.

Self-Indulgence: Sin

Early yesterday, my darling car decided that it didn’t want to start. I love my dear little red car very much, and though it isn’t much as far as the pretty department goes, and it is older than a lot of the kids that I teach, it is my little red car, and I do get offended when people talk about it poorly. My little red car was a gift from God that came when I was desperate for an answer to a prayer. That little red car has taken me to Alabama on countless occasions and to Nashville and Missouri as well. We were planning on taking the little red car to Atlanta when we left for our “mission trip” (I hate that name and wish there was another name for what we are going to do with the Nightlight organization). We are not sure why my little red car decided to quit working, but in the rain and cold, I stood glaring at a car that has given many blessings and many headaches. I decided to call in for a sub for my morning classes, and I took my time finding a ride to school and set a ride up to get home from school. Honestly, it was an easy morning. I got to finish decorating Christmas ornaments from the previous weekend, and I got to visit with my dear sister-in-law on the phone while waiting for my dad to come and just fix it… which is what husbands and dads are good for right?

All that is to say that when my husband finally got home from work, it was man vs. machine in the driveway, and man won. He charged the car, let it run for awhile, and later that night, when we were headed to a basketball game for a team that my brother-in-law helps manage, it was the car my husband picked to drive. Why? Because Michael is man, and man will defeat machine. I will tell you, there is nothing better than watching my husband overcome. The night was fantastic. The game was good, and I was proud of my brother-in-law for the work that he does. I saw Houston Nutt at the game, and despite myself I got up during half-time and went to shake his hand. I swear, I remind myself of my mom so many times. My mom lives without fear in situations like those. I quickly texted my mom to tell her all that I had done. We went to the gym to run after the game, and, finally, were on our way home. It was rainy and cold, but the conversation was good.

However, the drive home ended poorly when a car going about two miles per hour decided to switch into our lane without even a blinker. Michael swerved to miss the guy, and we ended up in somebody’s yard with a blown tire and a bent rim. The man began to drive off, but Michael quickly started honking the horn and flashing the lights to get the man’s attention. The man pulled over and came to us, and it was evident from first sight, that the man was not in the right state of mind. I don’t really know the SMELL of marijuana, but its effect on the human body is unmistakable. Hopefully the issue will all be worked out. I checked on-line to find that a new tire and rim costs about 200 dollars, but the cops filed all of our insurance information, and our insurance told us they would take care of the whole issue. More than likely, Michael and I will not have to pay for the tire to be replaced. I am thankful that we were in the car instead of the truck because if we were in the truck, we might have really hurt the man.

On my drive to school today (in the truck; this time machine won), I begin to ponder all of my sin… a scary thing to think about, and how I have hurt people because of my sin. My self-indulgence has hurt more people than I know, but that is the purpose of sin right? To harm? To destroy? This man will never know that my husband and I have been saving every penny we could to afford a trip to Atlanta to work with the fight against human trafficking. If we do have to pay the 200 dollars, this man will never understand how those 200 dollars instead of going to a new tire and rim would have been used to afford gas for traveling or spend for some better charity at Passion. That man’s sin caused multiple consequences. However, I am not purposefully picking on that man, for there is not a bone in my body that fears Michael and I will not have the money to go to Atlanta (by the way if you are looking for a Christmas present for us, a $10 gas card would be perfect). Also, I am more than thankful all that was lost was a tire and rim. The whole incident just made me stop and realize what my own selfishness can do.