This is my Heart

Happy New Year's Eve!

I am a person who loves to celebrate, and this holiday is no exception! Michael and I are at this moment hanging out in the hotel recovering from last night's outreach and preparing for tonight when we will get to go down town Atlanta to watch the Peach drop, which I am oddly very excited about. Michael and I were given some gift cards to a few restaurants for Christmas, and we have decided that we are going to get dressed up, and spend the night on a sweet date that is much needed. What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Do you have any traditions. Our family used to always eat black eyed peas, greens, and toast in the New Year with Sparkling Grape Juice. We used to announce our New Year's resolutions or goals, and when I was a child, we would have huge sleepovers where we would crown the New Year's Baby. It was a big deal. Before Michael and I left for Atlanta, I cooked a batch of black eyed peas, and I made a salad. I bought some Sparkling Grape Juice for our New Year's toast tomorrow. Michael laughs at me because of all my "celebrating," but in my eyes if we didn't celebrate this world may become too much for us. Chosing joy is important, and when my kids are grown I want each of them to say, "Mom made holidays fun!"

Last night, Michael and I went on our last night of outreach. During prayer time I found myself praying that God would raise His name higher and make less of me. I guess it is normal for a lot of people who spend time in ministry to get a certain arrogance about them. I have seen this take place in several people before, and I have noticed these feelings in my own heart. I am thankful for the wisdom that God has granted me to notice and pray against as soon as I feel pride and arrogance creeping up inside of me because the reality is, we can do nothing. Christ works through us, but He doesn't need us. We get to be apart of His story. I am thankful that He loves me and my husband enough to make us apart of His story.

Honestly, both Michael and I left outreach last night feeling very frustrated. Our prayer time before outreach was beautiful. Michael and I got to pray for each other, and God gave me words for Nightlight that I was allowed to pray over them, and I was given a vision from some scripture that I read earlier this week. My vision came from Pslams 3:5-6. The scripture reads, "I lie down and sleep, I wake again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side." I picture myself in the middle of thousand of people ready to assail me and destroy me, and on my face is a smile because I fear not for the Lord is with me. Then I pray that those who wish to destroy me see the battle they are about to enrage in and suddenly their eyes are open to see hundreds of thousands of angels ready to fight and destroy. There is no fear. This is the picture I was given, and I was sure the Lord was going to give me courage to speak great things to people.

However, the instant we set out I was silenced. The first club we tried to get into, they only let a few people in on occassion. I was one of those chosen to enter, but when we got to the door, it was the same story. We had come too late, and we were not going to be allowed in the club to see the girls. We dropped off some gifts with the house mom. We got to pray for her, and there were two men with us that got to pray with the bouncers. We went out to eat after leaving the first club, and I still felt wonderful. Michael was busily talking to the other men, and I was delighted to see how comfortable my husband is in talking with strangers when I am more timid and shy. However, after we ate, we sat around for a long time. I suddenly became sick to the point of wanting to vomit, and my head ached severly. I prayed over my body, but I was hurting so badly that I couldn't even focus. I lost control of my emotions and became sad and frustrated that it was evident that I was not going to be well enough to pray and focus like I wanted to so badly. I have been feeling poorly all week, so I was not completely shocked.

When we finally left the restaurant, our team leader decided that we should go back to a club that we visited last weekend. A part of me was excited because there was a girl there that I would have loved to see again, but a part of me was very discouraged. This club is very welcoming to us. The owner is a believer (another story for another time), so she welcomes us every time we come. Michael could tell that I was hurting and frustrated, so he kept whispering patience in my ear. We walked into the club, and I went straight to the back of the dressing room. The girl I was looking for wasn't present though. I bounced around the room trying to make relationships with the girls, but something was just off. Do you know what I mean when stuff is just off? I talked to a few girls, but I am sad to say that I didn't pray over any of them. One of the girls was talking about how whenever someone prays for her that it always comes true. Almost like magic, and she was just amazed. I was frustrated to hear my God talked about like he was a quarter machine, but I was too sick and tired to process everything. I talked to a couple of sweet girls who were much younger than I am and barely legal. I asked one of them if she had any plans for school or anything. She had just graduated high school. I talked to another one that spent Christmas alone because she didn't have any family around here because she just decided one time that she was tired of living at home and took off. She found herself in Atlanta. I prayed the Lord's name over the area. There is freedom in His name. These girls needed freedom. That is all I wanted for them, but that is all I want for anyone that doesn't know the Lord. Freedom.

After we left the club, which honestly we took a lot longer than my selfish patience would have liked, we traveled to a trailer park. I was told that once upon a time a lot of prostitution took place here, but most of the prostitution has left and now there is a lot of drug dealing. However, where we were there were a lot of children. The trailers were some of the worse I have ever seen. I have no idea if they would have even been considered livable. There were a few that were okay, but mostly it was like a scrap pile. A few of the trailers (even the ones with boards covering the holes to keep out the cold) had Christmas lights and trees in the windows. It brought joy to my heart. This is the time of year where everyone is in search for joy. What better set up for those trying to spread the love of Christ. Our mission was to walk through and pray for the homes. Michael and I walked hand in hand without fear (God granted so much courage) and prayed for the community.

I know this is a long post, but God taught me so much last night, and I was thankful. It is hard processing through the information, but God woke me up this morning and took me to these verses in Ecclesiastes 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." A time for war and a time for peace. That is what outreach is, war. It is spiritual warfare, and it is a battle field. There is a time for laughter, fun and silliness. There is a time for preperation, but then there is a time for war, and when you are in battle, you have to be in battle. War should not take place all the time, but when war does happen, you must be focus. These times come through the Lord, so when the Lord gives you times of peace you take advantage and live in joy, but when the Lord brings you a battle, you focus and you battle. That is what God taught me in the trailer park.

After the trailer park, I got into the van, and sadly but because of God's divine appointment, I did not leave the van. We went to two other places that are basically what we would call whore houses. We had some interesing run ins with the police, but Michael and I stayed where God had us at in the moment. I want to be frustrated and ashamed at the thought that I didn't do more, but honestly it isn't "me" anyways. It is God, and I just get to be apart of the whole thing. I do not know if Michael and I will ever do this type of ministry ever again. I wish I could tell you that God gave us this great vision, and we are on our way to changing the world. God is not ready for us to have that knowledge though. Michael and I will bring what we learned (which is a lot) back home with us, and we will share our testimonies to whoever will want to listen, but in the end I have realized now that GOD is in control of time. My word for 2012 will be timing. God's timing is perfect, and I just need to be patient in my anticipation of what He is doing.

Anyhow, thank you for reading my words... they were many. Thank you for your prayers. We have five more days in Atlanta where we will get to experience Passion. Ironically enough, one of our team members just got invited to speak at Passion. I am excited for her, and God gave me words to pray for her. We are now gonna get all fancied up and go experience Atlanta New Year's Eve.

I leave you with this...

"Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on His law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit IN SEASON and whose leaf does not wither whaterever they do prospers." Psalm 1