That Stupid Negative Line

One of the many blessing I received when I got married was that I got to become an aunt to three amazingly beautiful little girls. I love walking through the door and seeing their faces light up, and I love that their dear and beautiful mother has taught them and is teaching them how to live a life of simplicity. I have this wonderful dream of my children and Diana's children playing together, fighting over toys, and taking naps together. Michael and I got to babysit these darling children the other night, and spending all that time with them made my heart fill with joy!

We are well into Novemember, almost Thanksgiving, and I am amazed at the blessings God continues to outpour on my life. Teaching Special Education children has been a great enjoyment the past few months, and if I had to spend time out of my home, there is no other place I would rather spend my time. My Special Education children teach me more than I teach them, and honestly, I would love to take every single one of them home. For example, there is one boy in my class that has some kind of social disorder and is very angry most of the time. I love his smile, and he has such a servant heart. He makes me laugh everyday, and before he leaves my classroom, I make sure to tell him that I love him. He barely speaks, and when he does it is hard to understand him, but he has stolen my heart. We all went bowling the other day for Special Olympics. The children were allowed to play in the arcade once we were done bolwing. This little boy got me a beautiful plastic bracelet from a quarter machine, and he couldn't wait to give it to me. My job and Michael's job keeps up busy, but honestly, I could not have asked for a better six months of marriage as a newlywed.

Yes, I am blessed beyond belief, but this morning, I have spent most of my time in tears. It has been six weeks since our miscarriage, and though we have only been married six months, and there really is no hurry getting pregnant again.... every negative pregnancy test still puts me through a flurry of emotions. It has been six weeks since our miscarriage, and I still haven't had a period. If I was back on my normal schedule I should have had a period last weekend. We waited until this weekend to test again. I was fine with not even testing, but yesterday, I was having some serious nausea when riding in a car... a normal pregnancy symptom. I guess, I got my hopes up, and I guess God is still saying... no, not yet.

My life become a series of contradictions. God says to be still and wait, but in my desire to control I begin thinking of new things to do to keep my mind focused off of the pain that miscarriage, polycystic, and in ability cause. God tells me to forgive and do not judge, but I have a tendency to judge every parent that walks through my doors at school or that I see on the street. God tells me that He has a plan, purpose, and a future for me, but I question his decision to take away or miracle baby and then possibly not give me another. I feel like my life and decisions have become pretty messy lately. This morning as I fixed my breakfast, I let a tear drop down my cheek for nothing expect my attitude to the Lord. My prayer.... God, I'm sorry. I am Your daughter, and You are my Daddy, and You have always been there to protect me, and I love You. It was the only words I could really get out.

There are so many blessings that I cannot even begin to count them. I have three beautiful nieces that love me, and I love them. I have the most amazing man on the face of the planet as my husband. I have two church families that love, care, and pray for us constantly. I have been given a passion from God that enables me to fight against those who try to trap and sell women, men, and children. I have been giving an everlasting life that I am already living out, and I have the best family a person could ever desire.

Uncle Michael and Aunt Paula with three of the most beautiful girls!