Finals...

I get so FRUSTRATED... I've been sitting at a computer for the last four days, grading papers, making tests, and trying to convince children that if they took the responsibility to do their homework, they would not be struggling now. The words,

"You have to take semester tests."

is close to telling a student that their parent died. It is a sight to see as children dramatically fall to the floor in anguish once they realize that all their goofing off during the semester is now causing them to come to school one extra day, and of course, it is always the teacher's fault.

I do love and enjoy my students, and I love teaching 9th and 10th grade! Even those students that challenge me on a daily basis have worked their way into my heart, and I truly have a passion to push my kids into success! I want to see each one of them graduate and become amazing people. However, many times, I feel like I just push my head into a brick wall when trying to convince them of anything...especially when I tell them that they are smart.

I get frustrated because I do not feel like I am doing any good here. I feel like I am not advancing the kingdom of God, or I feel like I am not doing what I am supposed to do...I know that this is stupid, but this feeling creeps around my heart like a bad cough that just will not go away. I know that I am following God, and I know that I am living a life that He has willed for me, but I can not help but get jealous when I think of the things that I really want to do! I cry on my drives home from work when I feel the wheight of never leaving the country to go tell people that there is a God who loves them or never having the complete freedom to tell my students in my class.

I hate those days, those days that have been a too common occurence. The days where I am running out of the house because Ihavetomakeittobusduty,IhaveameetingthatIamnotfullypreparedfor,Ihaven'tgradedtheTLItestsyet,IgottaruntothegymafterschookbutbebackupatQuitmancausethereisabasketballgame,andIneedtocallMichaeltocancelourdateagaincauseIhavetoomuchgradingtodo, and I see my Bible laying on the couch. I can't tell you the days I have spent driving to work with that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach...you know the one.

I am a coffee addict except on bad days when I bring out the Red Bull, but I no longer sit in some beautiful coffee shop watching the cars drive by while I sip my Sugar Free Hazelnut...oh no! I am typing the way at a computer while I am downing anything that can be classified as Sugar Free and caffienated! I am pouring two to four glasses to stay awake in the morning. One paticular morning, I sent a student to go get coffee because I knew I was done for. There was no creamer or anything to put in the coffee. It is the first time I ever downed black coffee because I NEEDED it!

A dear friend and I were talking the other day about new relationships. I laughed as the friend spoke of staying up way too late just being with their beloved and then dragging themselves to work the next morning. I remember those days, they were not too long ago, and how the joy can be found in those moments. Once, also not so long ago, I would stay up late and read my Bible, talk about the love of the Lord while sipping tea with a friend (TEA, NOT COFFEE), and with FRIENDS (actual humans).

Michael calls me Wonder Woman...she has superspeed.

Superspeed is KILLING ME!

I miss watching sunrises and sunsets. I miss stargazing. I miss God. I miss getting lost in His word. I miss sitting with friends and laughing. I miss reading books to just read and not to plan lessons from.

Becoming a teacher and getting Michael are two of the most amazing blessings that God has sent me this year...but...I constantly ask, but where do I go from here. My emotions, my fears immedietly want to send me into the blame game. I want to blame my job, my boyfriend, my desires, my passions, God, and the very person that God created me to be for my constant movement.

Michael was at my house this morning, sometimes he comes over in the mornings before we have to go to work. It was getting very late, and I should have been getting out of my amazing (and warm) oversized sweatshirts and pj pants. However, I pulled back the curtain of my bedroom and watched how the sun touched each part of the Earth as it rose out of sleep. Michael came in to tell me that I needed to get into the shower, and I could have cried. Of course I needed to get in the shower. I always need to do something. I need to grade, workout, plan lessons, plan a budget. I laughed out loud! Actually, I didn't need any of these things...the only thing I need is GOD!

I pray as God teaches me to be still in the chaos, and know that He is still God.

Wasting Time

I adore my boyfriend.

Last night, after a time of fellowship, my darling and I went back to my house to decorate my tree!

It is a Charlie Brown type Christmas tree and has been the best Christmas present.

We did not finish...why?

My darling boyfriend and I LOVE to "waste" time together. We have crazy busy schedules, but we take our time and "disappear" on Saturday mornings as much as possible. Sometimes, we stay up a little too late just to chat with one another. Sometimes, we just sit on my couch and stare at the Christmas light glistening on my tree.

We have deep meaningful conversations on occasion, but a lot of the times, we just spend talking and laughing. Sometimes, we just read books or spend time doing the things we need to get done.

We just LOVE to be in one another's presence.

Our Heavenly Father loves us, and He too loves to just "waste" time with us. This doesn't mean that we always have to have deep meaningful conversations. Sometimes, He just loves to hear us laugh. Sometimes, He just loves to watch His beauty surround us. I am amazed by how many times I shut Him out of my life because I am too busy, but I picture Him sitting here beside me as I write these words. Perhaps He is just watching me practicing the gift He gave me and is staring "enthralled" with my beauty. Perhaps, He is just quietly waiting for me to turn to Him and cry that I need help. Perhaps, when I go home, I will just sip on a cup of tea and waste time looking at the Christmas light on my tree with Him. The Bible says to "Pray without Ceasing." To me, this has become more of a state of mind. I finally tell myself, "Paula, go waste time with God. He is your Beloved, and all that other stuff can wait."

I am encouraged by these words.

I am encouraged that I have a Father whom I can tell,

Daddy, I can't find the words to speak, so can we just sit here. Amen.

Lesson in Grace: Getting it All for Nothing

I was listening to the new Chris Tomlin CD and wrote this. Let me just say I am so thankful that God Almighty has me in His grip and is guiding me through this world.

She was a dancer who spun her life in the orbit of perfection. She denied herself life, the freedom of movement, the beauty of grace. She deemed herself imperfect, unwanted, undesired, not worth it. She held bottles. Bottles of alcohol, bottles of pills. Bottles to make her forget... forget... forget... forget. She lived in confusion, anger, hate! What had she done? Wasn't she supposed to be perfect?

People would smile, and now they whispered in concern. She walked with her head down, swallowed silent tears. Would she ever feel normal, safe? What had she done?

She tried so hard to be perfect! She drove fast! She stopped looking in mirrors. She pushed herself, over the edge... into disaster, and He broke through!

He broke through!

He wouldn't quit! He pursued, put a mark on her, called her His. She fought, wow did she fight. She cried. She ran. Ran away! She couldn't hide, He was stronger, He was in an endless pursuit. He held His arms opened and called to her. She couldn't understand. Why her? What had she done?

He smiled at His crying daughter. He held out His arms and beckoned, "Come here. Come to peace, come to safety, come to life." She doubted! He had all that to offer her, but why? What had she done?

She was imperfect. He nodded, "good." She had nothing to give. He nodded, "good." She had done nothing. He nodded, "good." She was unwanted, undesired. He cried out, "Untrue! Look at me. I want you. I desire you. I created you. Be Mine. Let Me show you. Let Me give you life."

She accepted.

Now she runs..... in freedom.

Now she dances.... in grace.

She smiles, she laughs, she plays.

She skips to His open arms, buries her head in His loving shoulders.

She is home.

She is safe.

She is His.

He gave her life.

He gives. His child, He gave.

She grew into a woman. He smiled and loves. He is proud. He calls her, "daughter." She fails, and He restores. How quickly she forgets, and He patiently waits.

I am nothing without Him. He is my Beloved, and I am His. Look at what the Lord has done! Look at what the Lord has given!

She grows frustrated... the world still refuses to see! The church refusing to go! Her own selfish ambitions getting in the way! It can't be hidden anymore. He is bursting at the seams. His gifts are numerous. He gives, loves, and commands us to love.

See my dears....

I want the world to see, that none of this is me. It is all Him. I am incapable.

He is my giant that leads me, loves me, smiles down at my childish quirks.

He is my Daddy.

One day... one glorious day, I will leave this world. Do not cry. Tell them... "She went home! Where se can crawl into her Daddy's arms, look up at His glowing eyes and say, "I love You."

Dance in grace. Run in freedom. Cry it loud to the mountains. He is King! He has given all!

The time had come to sing His praise.

She had joined the chorus.

Lesson on Grace: Replacing Pride with Love

I am sitting in Nashville, TN still in my pajamas. I should be dressing in warm clothes and heading out for a brisk morning run before we hit the stores for some after Thanksgiving shopping, but there is this thing called COLD, and I just do not do well with that word. Therefore, I am updating my blog because it is important.

PRIDE:

Why is it so hard to swallow my pride? I am fine with distancing myself or distracting myself. I am a pro at making myself alone.

When it comes to forgiving people, I run from responsibility of putting away my pride and facing my hurt...

It is easier to get angry.

Why is it so hard to - be imperfect?

- be pale?

- skip a workout day?

- have a messy house?

- give my kids a reading day?

- to fail?

Even as I write this, my head is buzzing with what is left on the to-do list today. Believe me, there is a lot! God does not have a to-do list for me. I am His, that is enough. He gave me gifts, and I waste them because of PRIDE.

I have lost friends, time... precious time... opportunities all because of PRIDE.

"BE THE BEST!" Isn't that what I am required to do? Be the best! People are watching. God is watching! Be the best! Do your best!

The best what?

- Girlfriend

- Teacher

- Friend

- Woman

- Daughter

- CHRISTIAN

But what if I can't?

What if I am tired of being the best? What if I am tired of trying? What if I simply just....

FAIL

Michael says, "I love you because you are you." He does! He really does! Michael had plenty of chance to forget about me and move on, but He loved me because I was me!

How much more, then, does GOD love us?

Why am I so busy? What race am I trying to win? Why am I so hateful? That isn't who I am. What is this term "adulthood" anyways?

I want to dance.

I want to smile.

I want to laugh.

I want to acknowledge that I fail!

I want to run towards freedom.

I want to live in truth.

I want to live in joy.

These things are already present. I do not have to search for them. They are present because CHRIST lives inside of me.

Challenge: Replace Pride with Love.

A poem for you. (Not by me).

My name is Pride. I am a cheater. I cheat you of your God-given destiny... because you demand your own way. I cheat you out of contentment... because you deserve better than this. I cheat you out of knowledge... because you already know it all. I cheat you of healing... because you're too full of me to forgive. I cheat you of holiness... because you refuse to admit when you're wrong. I cheat you of vision... because you'd rather look in the mirror than out a window. I cheat you of genuine friendship... because nobody's going to know the real you. I cheat you of love... because real romance demands sacrifice. I cheat you out of greatness in heaving... because you refuse to wash another's feet on earth. I cheat you of God's glory... because I convince you to seek your own. My name is Pride. I am a cheater. You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you. Untrue. I am looking to make a fool of you. God has so much for you, I admit, but don't worry... If you stick with me, you'll never know.

What we can learn about love from John

• Keeping God's word is the proof that we love God. "But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him." 1 John 2:5
• When we love our brother; we will live without stumbling. "He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him." 1 John 2:10
• We are not to love the world or the things in the world. "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him." 1 John 2:15
• We cannot love the world and love God also. 1 John 2:15
• God's love prompted Him to make us His children through the death of His son. "Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." 1 John 3:1
• Loving other believers is a fundamental requirement of the Christian life. "For this is the message that you heard from the beginning, that we should love one another." 1 John 3:11
• Genuine love always results in action --- not merely sentimental words. "But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?" 1 John 3:17
• God is the source of all love. "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7
• Mature love does not produce fear but instead imparts courage. "Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgement; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love' but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us." 1 John 4:17-19
• Long before we loved God, He loved us first. "We love Him because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Learning Grace, Love, and Joy

It has been awhile since I have put emotions to words, not just written but in general. I left Alabama just two and a half months ago, and I find that during those short months I had to learn quickly how to grow, how to be responsible and how to be an adult. I find myself still in a period of searching, but I am learning that during this time I am finding Love, Grace, and Joy in a more real and attainable way... let me see if I can explain better.

Two and a half months ago, I sat in a kitchen in Alabama updating my blog determined that during my adventures sure to come this year, I would keep up with my blog, then reality made itself known to this girl. I got a new job, new car, new house, and a new relationship in little less than a month. Oswald Chambers says that we are to prepare for battle during times of peace. How I felt so ill prepared for this time of transition in my life. After so many months of transition without taking the time to stand back and reflect, I was done! I looked into the eyes of the dear man that God has given me and begged for a weekend trip to Alabama, to home! This man, who loves me more than I will ever be able to explain, put into words, or even understand could not bear to say no to something he knew to be so dear to me, therefore, now, I sit in my beloved's arms watching a movie with good friends after a long day of honest work and life. I am blessed to be able to sit and reflect on the life that God has given me, and though I know after the long trip home I will be tired and will face new challenges, but for now, I can rest. I am striving to trust the Lord and the man the Lord gave me enough to abolish worry. After a time of short reflection, these are the things that I can safely say that Lord has taught/shown me.


1. I am a blessed child. I have an amazing job that allows me to minister to busy, confused, lovable teenagers. I get to invest in the lives of people who have the ability to change the world. I spend my time as Miss Verser, the teacher, counselor, mother of over a hundred children. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome and was told that I would never have children...I laugh at those doctors now. I am a mother! That being said, I also have the most amazing... MOST AMAZING... man on the face of the planet. I don't even really know how to describe the blessing that God has given me. He, as in God, as shown me so much through the love of this man. Many days I just stare at Michael in complete amazement of who God has given me. I know someday that we will fight about silly things, and I know we will hurt each other, but sometimes, I just want to shake those people who spend their time despising the one they once called beloved. I want to open their eyes to what they have. I want to give each woman who has ever been abused a man like mine! I want to share my story with each and every woman to encourage them that God does hear their prayer. Michael and I are not perfect by any means, but what I have is a gift from an amazing God who longs to provide. I can not say enough good things about my gift, and in ten years or so... my desire is to still constantly fall in love with this man.

2. Relationships do not cure loneliness. We are filled by the Lord and our deliberate choice to sacrifice our lives and follow after Him. It is a horrid lie our society gives us that in order to feel (insert word here) you need a mate. Honestly, it isn't just a society thing either, the church fills you with that idea as well. Granted, we were made to have mates. Our desire to be loved and love in a physical manner is not a sin...I repeat our desire to be loved and love in a physical manner is not a sin, and it doesn't make you any less of a Christian to want that! However, to center your whole life around the idea of being a wife, mother, girlfriend is setting yourself up for some disappointment. The Proverbs 31 woman loved God first!!! Her family and husband were highly important to her, but she feared and loved God first, and in that she gained the ability to love and serve her children. I am not sure how to do this just yet. God and I discuss on a regular basis how to love Him and Michael at the same time. I am no where near to where I need to be on that issue. My personal relationship with God suffers on occasion because I am wrapped up in seeing and being with Michael. It is easy to run to Michael when things get hard because I can touch him and crawl up into his arms, but the reality is...Michael is not my God. There are ways, many, that Michael can not fulfill me. When hard things happen, Michael is not always able to be there, and he does not always have the right answer. I was driving the other day after a hard day of just being lonely. My friendships have suffered in crazy ways this year for various reasons. I had to stop and thank God for teaching me to be content with just Him. Even with Michael, I must be content with Him.

3. Lets briefly talk about sex. I hate, HATE, the way our society portrays sex. In my new car, that God provided for free, I could only pick up one station, the local pop station. I keep the music on to stay awake, but after hearing about porn stars, getting it on in clubs, and how people don't want to be anything just want a night, I had to turn it off and pull over for a minute. I hate the way we tell teens that it is okay to have sex as long as you use protection, as if we honestly believe that the only thing to worry about is the fear of pregnancy or STD's. Do we honestly, as a society, believe that there are NO emotional connections in sex? Do we honestly believe that multiple sex partners does not harm the people involved? I can't go into detail, but I am finding it hard to be angry at the idea people who are starting to have sex at younger ages. Let me rephrase, I am finding it hard to be angry with the young people involved in having sex at younger ages. What are we telling them? Are we really informing them of the dangers and not just the you might have a baby issue? Because of a forgiven past, the idea of sex was tainted at a young age. The sanctify of physical intimacy within marriage is crucial. I will strive to teach my daughters and sons the importance of this fact! As for the music issue, I bought a new Ipod that hooks up to my tape player... problem solved! :)

4. GOD LOVES US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When Michael and I first started dating, it was as if we had won a great prize! I can't explain it to you fully, but if you have ever looked in the eyes of a man/woman who loved you, maybe you understand. Michael would look at me as if I was the most beautiful, most intelligent, most prized woman he could ever want or desire. I have never seen anyone look or desire me in that way. Michael and I have a beautiful love story, and I hope each day that our story ends in marriage. One day while looking at Michael look at me, one of most favorite past times, the verse Psalm 45:11 came to mind. "The Lord is ENTHRALLED with your beauty." It finally made sense. Michael could love me so much, and he did it with a heart of a man... how much more the Lord must love us!


5. A relationship can build a person up or take a person down. I assume that verse speaks for itself, but I would like to caution any of you, the limited few who read this, and are considering getting into a relationship. Michael draws me closer to God. Michael protects and provides for me in ways I can't even fully understand. He builds me up and encourages me to chase after my dreams. He works hard. I just threw that in, but it is worth saying.

6. Joy is a choice. For those who are Christians. WE WIN IN THE END!!!!!!! Have joy, and do not worry. God's got it under control!

7. I don't really know how to even begin this section, but I wanted to end with this. There is this thing called grace. I, in no way, understand how it works, and for the longest time I thought I did. I see the idea of grace popping up again and again in my life, and I want to start researching it through the word, so hopefully (after a few trips to Starbucks) my idea of grace will be fully developed. I am a first year teacher. I never have anything done on time. Sometimes, my students look at me and I KNOW they are not getting anything I am teaching. I am too hard on some students and let some students get away with crazy stuff. I never have my house clean... never, and I love a clean house. I have high expectations of myself. I do not know how to be a girlfriend by any means... I am not even really sure if this whole dating thing is worth it... I'm thinking friends to marriage! I complain, eat too much ice cream, forget to go to the gym, I talk too much, and miss opportunities to share God's word. I fail! I hold expectations of the people around me, and more often than not, they are too high. People fail. I have seen people including myself torn down by Christians who proclaim the truth of Christ and the love of Christ, but refuse to let people fail. I am reading this book about grace, and the first thing this book talks about is a woman who is starting to prostitute her daughter out in order to provide for her drug habit. When asked if she had gone to a church to seek help, she laughed and said, "I already feel bad about myself, and I don't need to feel worse." Does that speak love? On several occasions, I have found myself in a hard spot. Either when I am struggling with school or Michael and I are struggling in one way or another, sadly, I am seeing that the last place I want to run to seek help are those who love the Lord. I get scared. I understand how the enemy uses this against people. I want to learn how to live a life that proclaim Christ through LOVE, GRACE, and JOY. I want to show Michael grace and learn how to accept grace. I am learning that once again that many of my views of God given to me since birth are very wrong, but more on this later.

Savior Please, Keep Saving Me

Why is it that in our sinful nature we rebel against God when we KNOW that if we follow, trust, and surrender to Him that our lives will end up BETTER, and we will be blessed? It seems, to me, that we would want to live a life serving, loving, and living for His name. I am so completely awed by how my Father in Heaven has provided for me. I have praised His name through this time of peace and calmness and have watched Him pour out blessing after blessing upon me, and when a hiccup happens in the plan I hide away my trust and my complete surrendering because I am afraid that the God of the universe will not be able to handle, provide, or even care about whatever my problem includes.

About six months ago, God started working on my heart about overseas missions, and though at first I was completely pumped about the idea, a few months in a world telling me it was not going to be possible or that I would end up living a life of loneliness if I went caused me to go into a great rebellion. After praying over my rebellion and repenting, I surrendered to God and thanked for the opportunity to be made strong enough that I could travel to far off places and teach His word. Notice I said the opportunity. God never needs me, but He wanted me. I am sad that though my first reaction was like Isaiah in a "Send me" attitude, my third, fourth, fifth, etc. was based around..."it's not fair that I have to go." The whole rebellion makes me sick to my stomach now, God was providing the perfect summer while I was crying out and making demands.

Now, summer is almost over, and I am returning home not to school but a pile of bills and a new job. I am unsure about so many things. I am unsure of the car that I am going to drive...where it is going to come from and how much it will cost. I am unsure of if I will even do a good job teaching. I am unsure about my new living conditions, and whether they will be safe or not. I am unsure about a lot, but being unsure is a good place to be because I have to surrender to the idea that God is holding me and that He will continue to save me.

Here I go into the last two weeks of my camp experience. Here I go into a lifetime of letting God guide me where He wants me to go...many bumps, but knowing that my life is being guarded by a wonderful/powerful God gives me the assurance that I am well taken care of.

A New Kind of Lonliness

I do not really know how to start off this blog. I have about six people who are waiting to use the computer and are already probably ready to kick me off this computer and devour it for their own personal facebook addictions. I love the people I work with. For those of you who do not know, and I do not believe anyone actually reads this that does not know, every summer I pack up a few suitcases full of stuff and with a stomach full of butterflies I head off to nowhere Alabama to "teach girls about Jesus." That is what I tell the beautiful children in my life that look at me with confused faces when I announce that I will not be back for two weeks...one month... three months. I patiently and painfully await for the day that I look in these children's beautiful eyes and say... "I will not be back for seven months." As of right now, tears fill my eyes.

Let me set this up... I am interning at camp this summer which means that one to two hours a day I run around the front office learning how to run a ministry. This is important for me because as I grow older God continues to lead me to ministry roles not at home...or perhaps not in the USA. I was running around halfway getting ready for the night-time activity and halfway babysitting the night-time director's daughter. The little girl's name is Avery, and I was trying to tell her to watch out for something. Quickly, as I shut a door I said, "watch out Embery." The night-time director looked back at me and said, "You called her Embery... her name is Avery. I guess you just did it out of habit." I smiled and agreed, but the moment stuck with me.

I am such a leader here. I am given so many roles that I take on with gusto, and God in His mighty way gives me the ability to do great things even when I feel completely incapable. I am the "Jesus girl." I am the one that people come back early on their night's out so they can help with my showtimes (I teach TrashCan Band). I am the girl that gets people excited when I sign up for a campfire or counselor encouragment. I get so lonely here. I begin to wonder what people like Beth Moore and Loui Gigilo struggle with. I wonder if it is the same type of lonliness that I struggle with here? I am excited that God gets to use me in amazing ways, and I strive for the faith it takes to be willing to be used. Many times that faith falls short. I ask myself on many occassions, "if God said be single and be my missionary, could I do it?" I desire to have a home. I desire to have a family, but I long to follow the Lord in a passionate pursuit, and my "what if's" DESTROY my faith.

What if I never going to get married?

What if I never find a home?

What if I never get a family?

What if I fail?

What if I spend a lifetime "not feeling" anything because I am never around long enough to develop a relationship?

In Luke Jesus speaks with a man that desired to follow Him. Jesus answers with, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." (Luke 9:56-59). I have to believe that Jesus is enough. I have to continue to long for Him and continue to long to follow Him. Look at all that He has given me through my faithfullness, and I now in desperation I pray for mercy on my lonliness (a new kind of lonliness where people are not in short supply but nothing really feels concrete or safe). I pray for faith... a new thing for me. I still continue to pray for a husband... not that it would solve my problems, but it would be a much desired gift. I pray for courage, and strength. I am human, and I fail....so with a heavy heart I cry out, "Savior, Please keep saving me!"

I do not know if God is preparing me for third world or overseas missions, but I hope that I am like Ruth. Ruth followed with a full heart with little to no regard about what was assumed she was giving up to follow Naomi. I miss my friends. I miss my Kathryn and Tracy, and as silly as it sounds many times I miss my future husband. How can you miss someone you have never known? I miss my Embery bear, and I am tired of spending my life MISSING something or someone.

God is faithful.

Adventures in Hiking

I have this paticular hiking spot that provides an amazing "God-date" on several different occassions. I have always desired to go on this hike alone. The pictures below and the writing are from Thursday morning when I got to travel to my hiking spot, swim, and pray.


Faith:

We all wore tank tops and shorts that day, even the guys. We were a pesky group of college students fighting for survival in a world that told us how we lived and what we believed was old-fashion, silly, and wrong. We spent all week planning the trip, well perhaps all summer, and we spent all morning getting everybody up and ready. All seven of us would travel to the waterfall hike. We would make our way down the cliffs, take lots of goofy pictures, and when we finally reached our destination we would strip down to sport bras and cutoff shorts and jump in. It was sure to be a most memorable day, and it really was. After the swim, before we split up into the group that would go home and the group that would go on, we took a photo that will forever be eched in my memory. A photo that spoke of the laughter we shared when we jumped off rocks into the deep unknown. It was a photo that spoke of the lighthearted spirit of dancing beneath the waterfall's kisses. It also spoke of change. Friends about to be torn in different directions. Young hearts about to find eachother for life, and young spirits about to start blowing where the wind took them. Perhaps it was just a photo of all us college kids drenched in tank tops and shorts perched on a rock with smiles, water bottles, and morning made sandwhiches, but it is so important to me.

I watch daily how God changes us. The waterfall continues to pour into the river forever changing and moving it. Likewise, God continues to pour into us forever changing and moving us. God is the moving force in everything I do. God has carried me through the deepest waters, and I have been changed. Today, I sit on that rock where the picture was taken by myself and with good purpose. I smile as I recall the time I've spent here and the people I've spent it with. I smile fondly as I remember warm summer days that turned into swims or pictures of water rushing through the snow, and someday I will smile sweetly at the day that I made this hike alone just to prove that I could. God is pouring into me and with His strength, nothing is impossible. This I believe, this is truth.

Change is immediate. Perhaps, that is why I like pictures so much.

I only say this. We fill our lives with "busy" for a variety of reasons. Get away and have a moment today. Go on a date with God, with your beloved, or with a group of friends. Life is too short for boring, but way too precious for business.

Why Should I Benefit from His Reward

Here I am, in Alabama, again. I feel like I just left this place, honestly it was only two and half weeks ago, but once again in such a short amount of time, so much has changed. My dear friend Jessica is married to another dear friend Nathan. All I can say for their wedding is that it was beautiful and hot. My dear friend Tracy is now a mother to a beautiful boy named Benjamin. He was born to Tracy and Brian June 11, one day after my own birthday. He is a big healthy boy, weighing in at 12 pound and 3 ounces. I am officially no longer a resident of my very first God-given apartment. I handed over my keys today in an emotional moment. Sarah and Embery arrived home from Nebraska safe and sound. I was excited to see God answer prayers through that adventure. I am officially in the system as the 9th and 10th grade English teacher at Quitman High School, and slowly but surely my desire to enter the mission field is becoming a reality.

About two and half weeks ago I was sitting on the couch at the Varian household when the fantastic Ms. Mary brought me this amazing coffee drink with beautiful whip cream on top. When I decided about five minutes earlier that I wanted some of her famous "coffee-goo" I arose from the couch to go make me some. Ms. Mary caught me before I entered the kitchen and told me to return to my movie, for she would make it for me. I did as I was told. At Ms. Mary's house you do as your told. With my beloved treat in my hands I smiled as Ms. Mary's youngest son scowled at me and told me that I was spoiled. I smiled a victorious smile, but the idea stayed with me.

"And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."

John 16:23-24

I am spoiled. With Sam's words ringing in my ear, I started contemplating all the things that I have asked my Father and did not receive. My conclusion was this: there is VERY LITTLE that I have asked and not be given. There was this beautiful apartment by my college that I wanted. I prayed for this apartment. I had no credit, no background, and I was living in a horrible environment. I filled out the background check and prayed that something would come through. I got a phone call from a woman that worked with the rental company. With joy in her voice she exclaimed that she knew me from a random co-ed slow pitch softball team I played with for maybe three games. She told the rental agency that I would be a fantastic tenant, and the apartment I wanted was handed to me on a silver platter. Now two years later, I've started asking God for a house with a backyard. My wish was granted a few weeks ago, and when I return to Conway, I will be moving into a house with a backyard and a tire swing.

I could name dream after dream that was answered after I petitioned my Father. Here recently, I took a giant step in faith. I have always been afraid to ask my Father for a husband because I did not think that I was worthy of such an amazing gift. I claimed and lied to myself that marriage was not a huge deal in my life, and after a while, I believed myself. Through many eye opening events, however, I decided that there three desires of my heart. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to do mission work and travel, and I wanted a husband. After months and months of asking God to reveal to me the desires of my heart, I began to pray for a husband and the opportunity to do mission work. As of right now, I do not know how any of this will turn out, but I see the wheels already began in motion in several areas of my life.

The verse above is HUGE! The old saying, "Be careful for what you ask for because you might just get it," rings true as well. I bought an old junk car to get me back and forth to my internship. My prayer was that it would last until the last day of my internship. As I was driving home my last day, it broke. In desperation I surrendered my life and summer to God as I prayed for a teaching job before graduation that would not interfere with my summer plans in going to Alabama. I am now an English teacher at a school that did not have any conflicting dates. Even now, where I sit at my beloved Varians is an answered prayer. My God has continued to provide money, events, and moments in my life because I simply ask. He is my Daddy, and He loves to take care of me.

So what pushed my giant leap of faith? After it was clear what my heart wanted, and after God started showing Himself faithful again and again, I asked for something simple and even a little silly. At orientation at camp a friend and co-counselor of mine four three four-leaf clovers during a game. Now, I have NEVER SEEN a four-leaf clover, and I have spent countless hours searching for them. I had about decided that they didn't exist (stolen by some random leprechaun perhaps). I prayed for one. It was a simple and childlike prayer. God has answered so many prayers this past year, and to ask for a four-leaf clover seemed stupid, but I wanted one, and more than that, I wanted to give God another chance to express His love for me. My fears usually get in the way of my dreams, and as my dreams were becoming more clear to me, my fear that those dreams would not be filled soared.

I was walking from the gym to the cabin late one day probably going to get ready for dinner or another meeting. When I walk alone I usually walk with my head down...I'm just clumsy. Quick and simple...I found a four-leaf clover. It just appeared, and I found it! It now lives in my Bible under the above verses as a memory that we must dare to dream because God wants to give.

Dare to Dream.

Ask and Receive.

American Honey

I am sure that my beloved Varians are very tired of hearing this Lady Antebellum song being strummed out on the guitar, but the ability I have to created something similar to a real song from simply placing fingers here or there on an instrument has me memorized. I put off learning the guitar for so long, and now, the guitar is quickly becoming an important part of my life! My cheap six string is the best company I have on a lonely night, and it the best ego boost when everything around me seems to be crashing down. Many days after my internship I found myself picking at my guitar thinking, "well at least, for today, I can accomplish this..." Now, with the summer sun beating down on me, there is nothing better than sitting on the front porch of the Varian household plucking a new song out on the guitar. Actually, the guitar has claimed most of my attention during my stay here. Earlier today, I was talking on the phone while picking on the guitar. Mr. V came in at the right moment to snicker at my ability to do hundreds of different things at one time.

The Varian household has proven to be a God-given place of rest, restoration, growth, and fun for me. The first thing Ms. Mary notices about me when I first get here is that I look tired, and when you consider how I live my day to day life...I am tired. I am thankful for a period of rest. Yesterday, I swung on a tree swing, jumped on a trampoline, chased fireflies, talked to friends that I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and talk to in a long time, read, and learned two new songs on my guitar. I also took a nap! A real nap! A nap uninturrupted by a four-year old or phone ringing, or to-do list. Honestly, the only reason I have completly disposed of my phone now is that I would like to know the moment that Tracy goes into labor, and there are several friends that I do not want to lose touch with.

Thankful. I am thankful! In Paul's letters, we are called to be thankful.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Colossians 3:15

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.' Colossians 4:2

"Therefore since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe." Hebrews 12:28

I like to think that I am thankful person. When I look at my life, I am awed by how much I have been given. I sit tonight in a kitchen in Alabama with a family that took me in as one of their own without ever asking what my life story was. I get to travel and do what I please, and I always have a home to come back to where people who love me wait and pray for me. I am blessed by a God who has given in abundance. Honestly, if the only thing our God ever gave us was the chance for a new life, wouldn't that be enough. How many times though do we believe the lies that we need or deserve more. I am reading this book call, Taking Thoughts Captive, and it was revealed to me in a painful way that much of my life is ran by thinking, "I need one more thing to be happy." However, searching for "One more thing" never brings happiness. I am called to be thankful...I am receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken. I think I almost passed out the first time a girl looked at me and complained about being too skinny, and I despise every married woman on the face of the planet that wished they were single like me. If I hear ONE MORE TIME that singleness is a gift, I am going to throw up. My singleness might be a gift but no more of a gift than your marriage.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am tired of looking for one more thing. I am tired of thinking I am doing something wrong and am not getting that one more thing because of the thing that I am presumably doing wrong. Many times, I find my one more thing is my singleness. My desire to be in a crazy romance ending in a marriage filled with ups and downs has not been given to me, and for so long I thought it was something I was doing that God was not giving in to my request. Many days and nights I have worked for my one more thing instead of letting God just do His thing giving me the benefits of it all. It is a daily choice to be thankful for what we are given, but what a major change in our lives if we started out every morning with a gratitude list.

Today, I will make the choice to be thankful.

I am thankful that...

I know where Ms. Mary keeps the "good food."

E-beth and I do not have to spend every moment together when I visit.

My new house has a tire swing where Embery can play.

There is such a thing as Christian Rock, and I get to share in this joy with my dear friend Kat.

I have to start writing down all the songs I know how to play on the guitar.

I have the ability to run.

I own a pink i-pod.

My best guy friends and my best girlfriends are getting married.

Arkansas is my home.

I am about to be 24 years-old.

That Mr. V lets me call him Mr. V.

That I had four servings of fruit today, and I didn't have to pay for any of it.

My bridesmaid dress fits.

I have been to 23 states.

I have guy friends that take me for drives in their trucks.

That God speaks to me.

God answers my prayers when I seek Him.

That tomorrow I get to go dancing.

Camp is starting.

Packing Boxes and Fireflies

Summer is here. For camp, we had to right a poem of sorts in which each sentence starts off, "I'm From..." When I began to write the poem of sorts down, I almost started crying about how blessed I was. Honestly, there are always things that I am going to want to be different, but God has granted me so much in my short 23 (almost 24) years of life.

"I'm from...Conway, Arkansas (home of American Idol Kris Allen)

I'm from the University of Central Arkansas, Central Baptist College, and University of Arkansas at Fayetteville (Go Hogs!)

I'm from a small classroom in Quitman, Arkansas where I teach 9th, 10th, and 10th grade Pre-Ap English and drama.

I'm from pick-up trucks, starry nights by the lake, Little Ceaser's pizza and a movie, and shaved ice on a hot day.

I'm from long hikes to the waterfall, a basketball court, and softball fields late into the night.

I'm from faded blue jeans, Teva sandals, sweatshirts and shorts, cute sundresses, New Balance tennis shoes, and a pink I-pod.

I'm from a past of heartbreak and struggles to finding Christ at a later age and passionately pursing righteousness, peace, joy, and love with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

I'm from dancing barefoot, a six-string guitar, wildflowers, four-wheelers, and a long dirt road.

I'm from Sunday morning pancakes with Miss Embery Holland, a dramatic, defiant, but lovable four-year-old.

I'm from an unnatural obsession with traveling, and I'm from a large group of friend whom i call family.

I'm from a life classified as anything but normal."

To call me BLESSED would be the ultimate understatement! I would love for the whole world to see how amazingly blessed I am and see my life as an example of the unity that Paul preaches about in his letters! If somebody needs something, it appears. If somebody is struggling and needs prayer, we are there. I have seen Satan attempt to destroy us time and time again, and though we have let him into places in our lives, the Lord of all equips us to be conqorours. An example of our bond is the fact that I had 30 people show up at my graduation, and everywhere we go, we cannot be silenced for the Spirit of the Lord dwells within us and consumes everyone that comes in contact with us. Be mindful that this is the Lord's doing, and we simply get to reap the benefits in God creating glory for Himself.

So what is the big deal? I'm moving. I got a grand oppurtunity to rent out a friend's duplex helping her out and giving me more room. Not taking the deal would be a complete ignorant idea, but I am moving from my small, one-bedroom apartment that God gave me two years ago. I remember walking late at night and trying to figure out which aparmtnet would be mine. I remember how happy I was when I figured out that Tracy and I would share a wall. I remember making my deposit, and I remember the first thing I bought for my apartment, a couch, and sleeping on it until I got a bed. I gave my apartment back to God the moment I stepped over the threshhold. God gave me this place on a platter, and I desired for every inch of the space to glow with God's love. Every moment shared in that apartment will be treasured, but as a child of God, I go when I am sent. While I was preparing for Alabama and my new teaching job, God threw me a curve. My aparment, my home, my safe zone, would no longer be mine. I was to move.

Now, I am reading this book that talks about choices and how sometimes we do not really know what the right choice is, so we make decisions and ask God to be present in each decision even if we made a bad one. However, sometimes we just know. I knew the moment I heard about the new house that I was to move, and so without even an "All's Clear" I began packing my things in boxes to ship to storage to wait until I return from Alabama. The more I pondered over next year, the more sick I got. This is the end of an era, and I am scared to death of lonliness. My "family friends" are all growing up, and we are moving. The more I thought about working 50+ hours a week and coming home to an empty house where when I knock on the wall I won't be getting Tracy but someone else and the more I thought about Jessica moving out of the state and things just changing, the more Satan started playing in my head memories of being alone. Then I was brought to the story of Jacob and God wrestling.

I am still a little shady on the details, but the whole thing sounds fantastic. Jacob wrestled God until God would bless him. Jacob showed that he was strong and determined. (Genesis 32). God blessed Jacob because Jacob had wrestled with men and God and would not give up. As I broke down in tears the other night at the softball game, I came to the conclusion that though my apartment is packed up in boxes I will not be defeated by the fear of lonliness, but instead I will take time to watch the fireflies and enjoy the beauty of life that God has blessed me with. I will not be moved.

"I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved.

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I will not be moved."

PCOS Drama

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. "

Psalm 139:13-16

Did you know that 1 in 10 women suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aka PCOS aka body hell? I hate to be so dramatic, but this paticular syndrome has brought me down to my knees more than I can count begging the Lord for my sickness to be lifted. I hate PCOS. I despise it! Often, I even despise myself. How horrid of an idea?! The God of the universe who is holy, holy, holy, who sent His only Son to save me from damnation, who created each and every star and even knows them by name, who created me saw it to be good that I would suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. To despise myself is to despise the creation and to despise the Creator.

Let me break it down for you. PCOS is a syndrome found in women in which the body produces too much sugar (insulin). Basically my body feels like it should produce enough insulin to keep a male body going in a female body. Perhaps my body has some idenity issues, **shrugs**. Becuase of this syndrome, I must live a very rigid lifestyle. I must get plenty of sleep. I must refrain from ALL sugars. That includes bread and all the sugary goodness found in other fabolous things. I must excercise...all the time, and I must come to live with the fact that no matter how good I eat or how much I excercise, I am never going to be "skinny." Seems like a raw deal, right? However, the consequences for not doing what I am supposed to far outweigh the things I must do. To quit means that I can kiss my chances of ever having a baby goodbye. It also means that I must live with be obese because my body gains weight about ten times faster than the normal body. There are special foods that I can eat, foods that I can not, and there are special things that I must do. My life is in fact...special.

Did any of this information come from the doctor? No! That is what I find most fascinating about all of this. When I went to the doctor at the young age of 20 to see why my body acted different than others, I was told I had PCOS and all that meant was that I needed to lose weight and I could possiby never have kids "naturally." The doctor ended with "It really is no big deal." Later, in my Bible time I read in 2nd Timothy how women were made complete through childbirth. I went home and cried for hours. I was still living with my father at the time, and when he asked me what the doctor said, I couldn't even remember the name.

I started running. This is the story of my twenties: I started running. Sometimes I ran away from things, and sometimes I ran toward things but either way, I started. I started slowly losing weight. I was excited when I weighed myself daily (sometimes hourly) and found that I had lost a pound or two. I felt better, and my body started "acting" better. Eventually, I stumbled on to some web-sites about PCOS. I found out tons of information about the syndrome the doctor so conviently forgot. I went home and threw every single piece of food in my kitchen away! I bought brand new food, and I started realizing that what was going on with my body WAS IMPORTANT.

Medicine was a last resort for me, but I wanted to keep it in the playing field. After I came back from being a camp counselor in Alabama for the second year, I finally hit rock bottom. I had taught three Mountain Biking classes daily, I did a workout video, and my passion for running didn't dissapear. I ran from the state of Alabama to the Georgia line FOR FUN! I spent two months doing this and lost...4 pounds. FOUR! I went to the doctor crying and asked for whatever medicine they could give me. I wanted to feel pretty!

Reality Check. I was on the medicine for about two months when God started convicting me. God made me very aware that with the medicine I was putting in my body I was telling Him that I wasn't good enough, that the creation He made was wrong. I am not dissing medicine by any way, but I went in to the doctor looking to get "pretty," and that is wrong! I told God that the healing He had been bringing to my body wasn't good enough. I told God that I was better than this, and that I deserved better than having to workout two hours a day and eat right in order to stay balanced. I told God that I was too good for this, and all of a sudden, I realized that with this medicine I was in straight disrespect and disobedience to my Father. So I quit. I didn't realize however that with hormone pills you can't just quit! You have to slowly drop off. This was another pretty little fact my doctor FORGOT to mention. Now, I am dealing with the consequences of my disobendience. I didn't lose weight... I gained it, and my body is despertly trying to regulate itself again. Now I get to make a choice...

Praise Psalm 139 or wallow in my self pity. The choice changes hourly.

In New York City, I slept near a window that was partly opened. Snow fell through the crack all evening long, but I didn’t mind the cold. I was partial to the comfort that it brought, the reality that it told. I slept in the quiet room with strangers that I would never see again and stared out at a world that was dark despite the light and lonely despite the crowd; I loved the minute I got to spend praying for the place I resided. That night I spoke with people I could barely understand and watched as a world unfolded that I would have never guess. My big personality was quieted near the hustle of people and the sirens but not overlooked, and my smooth southern accent was like a big sign posted over my head screaming tourist. The days were busy, but the nights…the night belonged to me. I slept well; I felt protected in the solitude.

In Alabama, in the mountains, the nights brought a cool rest from the sun’s relentless fury. With only the soft sound of small fans posted at random bunks within the room, I would stare out at the leaves entangled in themselves dancing in the endless mountain wind. The feeling that I was the only one awake, the only one alive, the only one that ever had or was ever to exist comforted the ever present loneliness that resided in people called, “different.” I didn’t have to fight for survival at night. My thoughts were not interrupted at night. I could sit and pray, or I could sit and stare into the darkness searching for answers that were not coming from the wind or the trees: or maybe they were.

The same feeling, the same moment came in Ohio and Virginia, and standing with my toes barely touching the surf in Florida I watched the night dancers tell the stories of the worlds across the vast ocean. I felt small, comforted in my smallness, as if for once in my life it was revealed to me that the sun did not rise nor set on my timeline but on my Father’s. Through the night’s endless mystery and wonder, I am brought back to the understanding that the busyness of the day is just that, and I am still a princess who has a better promise waiting than the pleasures of this world. Several bus trips from Tennessee and saying goodbye to the mountains of Colorado as they vanished into the darkness has all brought me to the same conclusion; I am astonished how the night has brought such knowledge.

When I was a child, I played for hours until it was too late in the night to even recognize that another human lived in my house. Many times in my exhaustion, I would just settle myself where I was playing and sleep. My dad had the habit of dragging me out into the dark mystery for ice cream, and we would sit and watch the Wal-Mart shoppers walk in and out going on with their lives. My favorite memories are of my dad and I sitting in that parking lot making up stories for the people we saw. How odd it is to see people walk from place to place, to take part in their life, and they never know it. When I was a child, I packed my bags during the night to leave my house. It was during the night that I crawled silently into a stranger’s house not knowing when I would be home. My tears were dried by my pillow’s softness, and the night became a gift… a time to recover my emotions and began again. Even the times when I could not even see because the darkness of my new situation was too great, I knew I was surrounded by my Father’s angels fighting for His daughter and His princess.

How is it that in the daylight hours a person can run from the truth but when the night comes all is revealed? Leaving the Kappa Sigma house on that cold evening I watched the stars as they guided me home. A life that was completely messed up was still being protected, still being cared for, and the truth was ever present, being told through the stars. It was in the solitude of the night that I could not run, and eventually, it was the solitude of the night when I chose to stop running. I had accepted the idea that I was not worthy of anything but had been given everything.As a person grows, their nights change. My nights describe my moment in life. My nights went from long phone conversations with lots of smiles and big plans to making it back by curfew and growing friendships with women across the United States. My nights went from the pain of living in a place of constant struggle to a group of family and friends that forced their way into a stone cold heart.

My nights have been filled with goodbyes and new adventures, and my nights contain me here where my Father has so carefully placed me. Where through steps of trust and faith, I have become a new creation rarely remembering the life I used to call my own. I have spent nights in the back of pick-up trucks and on docks beside lakes. I have taken chances and made some very stupid mistakes in the nights I have been given, and I have shared my life and room with several beautiful women and children that I have gotten to watch sleep soundly through the night. I am a fan of the nights, maybe too much. Right now I play quiet music while I pour my thoughts out onto a piece of paper while my amazing roommate and my beautiful Embery Bear dream in the room next to me. My life has truly been touched and blessed in so many ways. The book of


Proverbs simply states:

“Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

How HUGE is this statement? Here I stand, a scared child wondering what lies ahead. I have spent the last five years of my life in pursuit of an education degree, and now my passion is not even found there. I have no idea where I am going, and the changes that have occurred around me have been tremendous. They have been big enough, at least, that I feel as if I am playing catch up most of the time. God has revealed little to me this year and though I joke that He is watching carefully calling for my trust, I know that He is. He watches me and announces at every turn that He has given me every desire of my heart and I am silly for not realizing that He is providing a future and a hope for me, but I put out my desperate attempts thinking I can fix something that I have determined has went terribly wrong.

It is frustrating that I have found myself in this particular situation, but I was prepared for it and I firmly believe that I am being equipped for something huge. I have changed my mind at least a hundred times in the past month of what I want to do with my life, of who I am going to like, etc, and I have claimed peace over my life in the name of my Father who is the only one that provides true peace. I will win in this hour and the next because I am bound for sleep, but as for tomorrow the battle rages on. The Lord has called me a conqueror though, so I walk into the battle with my head held high knowing that what I contain is more important than anything the enemy can through at me. And when it gets all too hard, I remember that night in New York City where I fell asleep believing that dreams really can come true.